If there's one thing I've always had trouble wrapping my head around, it's the ever changing state that life is. This trouble started back in my freshmen year of high school when I went into a deep depression that put me in a state of complete disbelief of my life and the events going on in it. After that, God had me go to Ecola Bible School, which opened up my world in ways I never possibly could have imagined, along with giving me this profound and undying joy for life. Then I did SMT, which gave me even more joy. But when that came to a sudden stop (like camp always does) and found my life totally switching gears into the world of film college within a week or two of each other, I found myself burying those emotions connected with dealing with change. Ever since the end of SMT (which is going on 2 years now), I've been in this state of just doing what I have to do without feeling any emotional tie to those feelings of change in my life. I've just done it, and tried to do it to the best of my ability.
But today, I think I'm finally gaining a little of that back. I am home in Oregon this weekend to see my sister graduate from high school. Ever since I touched down in Portland, I've felt this insane sense of "John, your life is headed in the exact right direction that it should be going. This world is big, and you're out there doing your thing, just like you're supposed to." Thats huge for me. I've felt like I've just been wandering around LA, randomly bumping into the right things at the right time somehow. But now, I feel... purpose driven. It was so much fun to talk to my immediate and extended family about what I'm doing with my life right now, and what a huge shot I have at actually being something. It was so much fun to talk to all of my cousins like we were equals, sharing crazy stories about the insane crap we've gotten into. The world is very small, and we're out there enjoying it each in our small ways. The Friend family has this destiny. I don't know what it is, but we do. And I'm so excited to see what it is.
God is opening up my world and mind again. I've been so closed off, so afraid of getting hurt or failing. Whether it has to do with my career, family, friends, or girls, I'm more ready for the big changes that are coming to my life. It feels like the quiet before the storm. The next 6 months, year, or even two years are going to be huge. I can feel it. It's a feeling I've been afraid of, but now that it's upon me, I'm so ready to embrace it. I want my career to launch. I want to love my family at all times. I want to grow as close to my friends as possible. I want to finally start dating again. I have this life I'm so ready to embrace living! I've been just floating through, trying to get to the next day to see if it will be better. I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to feel and fulfill my purposes and goals in life. I'm ready to stop being afraid that life is going to screw me over, and to start living to the fullest, to start taking chances, to dive in and see what happens in different situations!
I live too much in the past. I'm too often afraid of the future. Now is now, and now is where I live. So why should I be afraid? Instead, I want to laugh. I want to love. I want to live. So why not? What's stopping me? Fear? Screw fear. Fear gets me nowhere.
It's time for me to start jumping and embrace the change.
