Clarity.

As a Christian, one of the biggest things I tend to struggle with the most is clarity. Up to this point, I've seemed to wander around, bumping into things (which weirdly turn out exactly the way they should), and writing the story day by day that is my life. As a Christian, I believe with all my heart that God is has already written my story out and holds my hand as I make my way through this thing called life. God asks us to pray about everything in life. Even though He knows all, He still wants us to interact with Him on our own accord. That's how this wonderful relationship works: He loves and guides us, and we love and trust Him. It's wonderful really, to know that the God who created and sustains the Universe wants a personal and intimate relationship with us small, tiny, sinful human beings.

However, since we are small, tiny, sinful human beings, we forget that He is in control. He has exactly what needs to be happening going on. I know I forget that everyday.

My whole life, I've always known what's next. In elementary school, you knew middle school was coming. In middle school, you knew high school was coming. In high school, you knew college was coming, or for me, Ecola. After Ecola, I knew film school was coming. After film school, I knew I was moving to LA for an internship. After the internship, I quickly found a job. After that, I found a better job, which is where I'm at now. But in these last couple months, my whole world has been shaken up. I don't know what the next step is anymore. I always knew in my heart of hearts that I'd probably end up leaving LA at some point, I just didn't know why or in what capacity. And, I guess even now, I still don't. but I do have a better idea.

But I still hate not knowing what's coming next. I hate not having some control of my future. Or at least feeling like I had some sort of control.

Trusting God is a weird process. I wish with everything that I am that I woke up everyday, had enough faith to give it all to Him and have no worries about anything. I really wish that. But I don't. In fact, I worry way more than I'd like to admit. Most of the time I try to just get up, go do my thing, which is usually work, and come home and hang out with my girlfriend. That seems to be my life for the most part. But that's not bad. That's a normal day for a lot of the human race. But I'm not normal. I don't want an ordinary life. I want an extraordinary life. Which, for a worrier, that doesn't mix so well a lot of the time. extraordinary usually equals not knowing what's next. We pray and pray for guidance, for clarity. But most of the time for me, God just says "Let now be now" or "Just keep going and keep trusting me". So irritating sometimes. I plead with God to let me in on the big secret of what the rest of my life is going to look like, but of course He wants us to trust Him for those details.

But every so often, God allows a sneak peek, a moment where everything you worry about becomes clear, even if you don't know what exactly is becoming clear. That moment when everything is ok, and everything will work out, and you know it, you feel it. God gives you what you need when you need it in those moments. Tonight I had that experience. Everything was put into order. Everything that needs to matter to me was in focus, and everything I need to trust God on was clear. I know what I need to be doing right now. I can see the things that God wants me to focus on. And they are good.

Why should we worry? God's got this. In fact, God had this before there even was a "this". And that is a very comforting thought. :)

Selfless.

All my life, I've desired to find that one special girl who could fulfill all my hopes and dreams. You know, the "Ted Mosby" view on life (How I Met Your Mother, for those who don't watch). The quest to find "The One", the journey to feel loved and fulfilled. Now, I've dated before. Once for 4 days, once for 8 months, and once for 1 month. Three relationships that have all had profound effects on my life's story. And Lord knows in between those times, I've talked and written enough (especially on this blog) about desiring to find my "One". But in my 22 years, I was missing one very important point, and, in the end, it's the whole point of being in relationships in the first place. I was missing the one thing that makes or breaks our dating, relational, and (though I don't personally know, but I'm guessing) your married life. I was missing what I'm guessing some never realize: Dating isn't about you. It's not. Dating and relationships aren't about fulfilling yourself. If that's the mentality you have, you will probably fail 9 out of 10 times. Either that, or your life will be incredibly frustrating, along with the life of your significant other.

When we get into a relationship with someone, in order for it to work to it's fullest extent, you must be willing to give up yourself and your own selfish desires and constantly put the other person ahead of yourself. That's hard to do in many cases, as we are human beings that are inherently selfish. But every so often, you meet someone that makes that idea easy. You WANT to give up for them. It's so natural that you don't even think about being selfless, it just comes out, because you care about them so much. They become so much more important than yourself that your would do anything to make them better, to make them smile, to build them up into the best person they can possibly be, to push them to the greatness that they are possible of being. You become selfless.

Now, I think most of us at least realize this, but a lot of us struggle with understanding it. It's nice in theory, but how often do we actually put it into practice when dating? I know I didn't really put any effort into being selfless in my past relationships. I always thought "I'll do my thing, they will do theirs, and it'll all work out". EEHHH! WRONG. Even though when it works between people, when they really just click and understand one another, it still takes work every so often to keep being selfless. As I said, we are inherently selfish beings, so to be in a place where you have to be selfless all the time, that can be tough.

Now, that being said, that still isn't the whole picture. For many who aren't Christians, it is, so more power to you if you've figured out the above. But i believe to be truly selfless, to be truly in the right place, your relationship can't be about yourself, and, while you must be willing to give your whole self to that person, it's ultimately about giving yourself and your relationship to God. Here's how I think it works: You give yourself to him/her, he/she gives herself to you, and TOGETHER you give your relationship to God. Ultimately, your relationship exists to reflect Jesus, to serve Jesus, to love Jesus. That's the whole point of Christian relationships. It's an alliance for Jesus. Ephesians 5:23 and 25: "Wives, submit to your husbands as you do to the Lord." and "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." now there's always discussion about "Why do women have to submit and men don't?" and "Why do husbands have to love their wives and women don't?" That's not the point of those verses. Those two things are what the two parties struggle with most. You have to read between the lines and see the context. This is what I see when I read that: "Husbands and wives, submit yourselves and love your spouses as Christ did for the Church."

It's all about Jesus. Everything you do, but especially your relationships. They are given to you so that you can be used in each other's lives to build each other up as you go through life and love and serve Jesus together. That's what it's all about.

Chapters, This One and the Next.

I don't like to blog unless I feel like I have something worth saying, which seems to be the opposite mentality of how I treat my Facebook. I'll post anything on there without thinking. But this blog is different. It means something to me.

I have been struck recently with how much change happens in a lifetime, and how quickly it happens out of nowhere. Take it from me. In the last 3 years alone, I have moved away from home, lived on the Oregon Coast, gone to Bible school, did a Summer Ministry Team, moved to Michigan, attended film school, produced 2 films, moved into my best friend's house, did an internship, moved into a hotel, moved home for a month, moved back into my best friend's house, got a job at a Hollywood studio, moved into an apartment in North Hollywood, met a few famous actors, switched departments at work, watched my best friend now get married, and went to Kansas to watch my best friend from high school get married. And now, my life is under going a huge change once again: Dating.

I thought, since I had dated a couple times before, that I knew what I was doing, that I was "experienced". WRONG. Once again, my idea of what my life would be like or should be like is being redefined. Not in bad ways, but in incredibly good ways. She brings out things in me I always knew were there, but never knew what to do with, so I never addressed them. For example, I've always wanted to live abroad, but it never seemed in the cards. But because she does too, now I could see myself actually pursuing that. The point is I've always wanted to live an active life, and with her, she pushes that side out of be into the possibility of reality.

Life is extremely fluid, and sometimes that fluid can get stormy. I think it's easier for us humans usually to just find an anchor and stay put. Maybe that's a town, or a house, a spouse, or a job. Something that becomes constant. I think we get addicted to that stability and in many cases stop moving. Which, as a Christian, I see as becoming a lukewarm Christian, as spoken of in Revelation 3:16. Granted, I might be lumping all Christians into an unfair lump, but that's what I see in so much of the American Christian Church. I see complacency, and I know I'm apart of it. I don't want to be. I want to be an active part of God's plan for modern humanity, and I'm tired of sitting on my butt. Yeah, I work a 8, or sometimes 12, hour a day job. I know that's my life right now. But as I look ahead at my life to come, I don't want to be a Sunday Christian. I want to keep moving, keep proclaiming the gospel, keep helping people where they need help. That's my true passion. That's why I got into film in the first place, to change lives.

What does this all mean for me? All I know if I'm being told to let today be today, or "Let now be now", as I've been told. Something is being built up in me. Something big is coming. The next chapter is being prepped. But this chapter is still being written. And it's already proving to be the best one yet. God is a REALLY good writer.