742.

Usually the traits we hate most in other people are the traits most often we ourselves possess. And this is very true of myself.

I hate complainers. (Now you see where this is going?) Yet I myself am one of the biggest complainers of all time. God knows this very well, as I don't normally complain a ton on the outside. Usually it's in  my heart and soul. But right now, it's something I can't keep in. I've been keeping a lot inside recently. I'm in such a place of transition in my life that I don't feel the right to talk about most of it. That's why this blog is becoming so important to me. It's a way to talk about it without talking about it.

742. This number has become very important to me. Well, at least this manifestation of it. You see, it grows every day. So, what is this number? We'll get to that.

My life has been crazy, as I've said. With Ecola, then SMT, then Compass, then moving out to LA, going home, and moving back to LA and starting an all consuming job, I haven't really had time for cultivate any new friendships or relationships, especially in the last 6 months. As far as physically close friends, I have Benton, his family, and Kim when she's home from school. That's it. Sure, I have plenty of friends who I talk to every once in a while who live elsewhere, but it's not the same. It's always a catch up and not a true growing and expanding of friendship. Which is lonely. Really lonely.

742. That's how many days it's been since I was last in a relationship. Yeah. That number really sucks. Granted, up until 3 months ago, and maybe even now to a degree, I haven't been in a place where I should be dating anyone. But now, as the dust of my life is settling for the first time in 2 years, it hits me harder and harder every day. My best friend is getting married in August. I am so freakin excited for him!!! It's gonna be an awesome wedding, and an even more awesome life that he and Kim will lead together. But, just like it's said in How I Met Your Mother, weddings cause you look at your life and try to figure out why you're still single. And I haven't a clue why.

Timing. I know God's timing is perfect. I've had that said to me tens, if not hundreds of times. I know that He's holding it back from me. Please don't tell me that in the future. I know. I know it will "all work out when it's supposed to". No kidding. No, this is me complaining to God. This is me crying out to Him, asking Him why. This is me asking Him why girls don't like me, or if they do, why they don't see me as worth the risk. I can't tell you how many times I've been told "I love talking to you!" or "You're the NICEST guy!" or "I'm so comfortable with you!" Do they think that because my last name is Friend that that's all I want? I'm a GUY. You tell me that, and my mind goes directly to 'Ok, how likely would a relationship be with this girl?' And I'm also a guy who looks for the affirmation of others. I do, right or wrong. And when I, in 742 days, have had ONE person who was remotely interested in me, that hurts.

And now I'm in a place with almost no friends, let alone female friends. And, to reiterate, I know God's timing is perfect. It is, and when I'm ready He will allow someone to come into my life. Maybe she's the one, or maybe she's the first of a few. Who knows except Him.

One thing that churches try to push is being "content in your singleness". And granted, I've tried. But if I've ever uttered those words to you, I'm sorry, it was a lie. Maybe I've been settled in my singleness in the past, but never content. Is that bad? Probably. Should I learn to be? Probably. But God made me with a longing. The longing which the Bible speaks of in Genesis when Adam is lonely and desires a mate. That longing has been past through generation after generation, and landed with me. But somehow, God has kept it from me, just as He kept it from Adam for a time. God has kept it from me for 742 days, and counting. I don't know why. Probably to teach me patience and dependence. He's good at doing that.

But, Lord, I'm lonely out here in the world, vast and dark. I'm here to ask you for some help. You've created me with a longing and an admiration for girls. And I know you created them specifically for us guys, because we need help. Because we need a light to guide us to You and Your Plan. I ask that you would guide me to both, and that you would make me content with or without.

Amen.

Who/What Am I?

Wow, 2 posts in two days. I'd love to ascribe some deeper meaning to it, but I'm sure its just because I can't sleep. So I took to going back through some of my posts on this blog, many of which I haven't seen in 6 months to a year. The funny thing is that throughout this blog, I mention over and over that I've "grown up". But what I'm realizing now is I will always be growing up, from birth, to now, and on until I die. Frankly, as I believe in Jesus and that I'll go to heaven when I die, I also believe I'll probably keep growing up in heaven too.

What I'm discovering at this point in my life is that I have no idea what's going on, or really where I'm going. I believe that I'm being molded into something with a purpose. Now, I have no idea what that purpose is. I have some ideas about what I'd LIKE it to be, but really I know God has other plans. But what I do know is that I have been created not to lead a "normal" life. I don't want normal, I want my life to be an adventure (which goes against what I talked about last night, with hating change). I mean, look at me! I'm working in Hollywood! If I had told my younger self that I'd be working at a studio in Hollywood at 21, I would have laughed in your face. I never thought this would be me. But the last few years, I have longed for the extraordinary.

Life is weird. I look back on my life, which really and honestly, I don't do a ton anymore. Well, then again, I do it a lot. Ok, let me explain. I tend to think about certain things a lot. There are points on my life's timeline I tend to think about way more than others. I think about my family, my Mom and Dad and sister and grandparents. I think about how sucky high school was. I think about Jessyca, my first serious girlfriend. I think about Cannon Beach. I think about SMT. I think about classes at Compass. But there is so much of my life that I've buried deep inside me, so many things I don't think about on purpose, because it either hurts to think about it or possibly because I'm still in denial that I could have possibly journeyed from there to here. I don't believe my life at times. I know it's real. Sometimes its way TOO real. But my mind is having a very hard time believing all of this stuff that has happened so crazily in the last 4 years. Is that weird? I feel like it is. I'm having to force myself to just live in the moment, which comes much too easily sometimes.

I am at a point in my life that is just going with it. And I feel like that's how my spiritual life is going right now too. I grew up in a Christian family. I went to church every Sunday. I went to Ecola Bible School for a year. I go to Church of the Open Door, where Ed Underwood is the pastor. I know what the Bible says, I know that Jesus is Lord. But I'm in the stage of my life that I'm trying to figure out how it all applies practically. What is it that God wants from me? Perfection? No.. I can't do that. I am an imperfect wretch that sins day after day after day. I feel like everyday I'm having to decide which sins are worth fighting against in that day or hour. So what does He want? I think right now, He just wants me to live life and listen for His lessons in my life. I honestly believe that. I am in a place where He just wants be to be content and to wait.

My "growing up" experience is far from over. FAR from over. I'm still so immature in my age, life, and faith. I can only ask God to be patient with me, as I try to figure this thing called life out. For some reason, He has been for 21 years thus far. And I take comfort in the story of King David. Lord knows he did some horrible, horrible things, yet it was God he wanted from the beginning. I can only ask God for the strength to be a fraction of the man that David was, and to love Him with everything that I am.

Or at least try to.

Laying It Out There.

I haven't posted on this blog in months. I guess I've sort of been afraid to. My life has been crazy, yet not crazy. Interesting, yet nothing I really had anything to say about. But I realize that this isn't a blog about interesting things. It can't be. This blog isn't meant to get people's attention. I used to use it as a cry for help. I started it when I was in Michigan, when I felt trapped and unguided as to what life was supposed to be. So far, my life hasn't been the status quo. At all. I was never popular in high school, yet got good grades, so I found some redemption in that. I didn't really go to college like everyone ever expects you to. I went to a small Bible school in Oregon for a year, and then an even smaller film school in Michigan for a year.

Then, I moved to LA. I haven't even had time to think since August. Well, maybe I have, but for some reason my brain hasn't allowed me to. It's almost as if my brain went into fight mode, denying that my life's future was unsure. And then I went home for a month. That was even more confusing. I loved being home! Yet, I knew I had to come back to LA. Career-wise, there's nothing in Oregon. Plus, the family dynamic right now is... rough. All of our lives are in transition, whether we want to admit it or not. My Grandpa is learning to be a bachelor again, my Grandma is in a rest home, my sister is about to graduate from high school and has a boyfriend in the navy, and my parents are having to deal with their entire world changing in ways they never ever expected. Yeah, I loved LOVED being home, but I was never settled when I was there. The one place in the world I felt was safe suddenly didn't feel like home as much anymore. Why? Because I had grown up. I had spent 2 years away from home during some of the biggest times of growing a person experiences in life: 19 and 20. And I wasn't ready for that change. I hate change. In fact, I hate change so much, I feel physically sick when I get nervous for something. And, HOLY COW, did I feel nervous. I purposely didn't seek out people to hang out with when I was home because every time I stepped out my front door, I felt like I was going to be sick. It was awful.

Then I came back to LA. And if I thought it was bad at home, that 2 day drive back down to LA was even worse. The entire second day I felt like I was going to hurl. When I got to the Trerise's house, the next couple of days, I still felt sick. I played it off as a bug, but it was a lie. Even now, I'm not eating a ton because I'm somewhat scared to. The Trerise's think I'm not a big eater. I used to be before all this change and transition happened. I was scared out of my mind to be here.

And I still am.

I have a job now. A great job! I work at Smashbox Studios in West Hollywood. I get to be in the same room as big Hollywood names on a weekly basis. But I'm still scared out of my mind. I leave the house every day for work feeling sick to my stomach. Why is that? I think I've finally figured that out. 

TRUST.

Or lack there of. This week, the History Channel has been airing "The Bible". Awesome, awesome far reaching big budget retelling of the Bible. One of the big themes, obviously, is trusting God in your life no matter what. That's been my problem. I haven't been trusting him. I get nervous for work because I haven't been trusting Him to guide me through it. I get nervous around girls (oh, you have no idea..) because I haven't been trusting Him for my love, or lack there of, life. God is literally teaching me that I HAVE to trust Him ALL THE TIME, or otherwise there are literally consequences.

I literally don't care if anyone reads this blog from here on out. I just need it to say things I haven't had the balls to say up to now. Yes, I'll check to see how many people read it. I am human. But this blog is no longer a cry from help. At least not to man. No, it needs to become a place to get things off my chest and a place to pray to God.