Christians, Stop Condemning Homosexuals.

Most of the time, I try to stay silent on hot button issues. There are just too many implications to being a Christian, trying to be an active witness, and having hard core opinions. I get that Jesus wasn't afraid to say things that made people uncomfortable, but guess what? I'm not Jesus. I'm not God, so my opinions could be (could it be??) wrong.

But this is something I can't stay silent on anymore.

Brothers and sisters in Christ, I beg of you: You are hurting the Christian church with your loud mouthed opinions about homosexuality and gay marriage. You are. Now before you go judging my opinion, please hear me out first.

I was raised in a Christian family. I attended a Christian private school, I've gone to church all my life. I was heavily involved in my church's youth group. I went to Bible school. I went to a Christian film school. I attend a church here in Hollywood. I LOVE JESUS. With everything I am. I study the Bible as much as I can. I believe the Bible is 100% accurate in every way. I talk to my friends about God and the Bible when I am able. My whole life's drive is to serve the Lord. Nothing else comes before that. Nothing.

Growing up, I was very judgmental of homosexuals. I was taught that the Bible is very condemning of the idea, so it was also very easy for me to automatically condemn anyone who was homosexual. It was also very easy to be condemning because it was very uncomfortable for me. As I've gotten older and more experienced in life and circumstances, I've realized something very startling: The Church is approaching this from the exact wrong direction that we should be. Christ's message was one of love and salvation. While saying "there is only one way to heaven" is rough statement for may to grasp, Christ still commanded us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. As Christians, we tend to say "Love the sinner, hate the sin" a lot. But you know what? Homosexuality is different. It's hard for Christians to separate "homosexual the person" from "homosexuality the lifestyle". We as Christians know what we mean by "love the sinner, hate the sin", but know what that sounds like to homosexual? "We hate you, but want to cover it up with words." The whole drive in my life is to guide people to Christ, to let them see how much He loves them and wants them to be His children. But in order to be His child, we have to choose to start a relationship with Him. But who would want to be in a relationship with a God who's "followers" are constantly attacking and slandering who they are on a personal and intimate level?

I want to be a light for people, a guide, a reason for people to say "You're a Christian. Why is that so important to you? Why does it change you the way it does? Tell me more about Jesus."

Church, "Why do you look at the speck of dust in your brother's eye, but pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3. This verse applies directly to us. Why are we eager to point out these sins to others, but aren't willing to correct our own sins (in this case, unloving legalistic judgement and hate) We can't go around telling homosexuals "You're a SINNER! You need to REPENT!" That won't win anyone to Christ. That is a personal attack, not love. We as a church have to learn to unite in love and not judgement. Only after a person becomes a Brother or Sister in Christ do we have the right to come to them on a personal level to talk to them about their lifestyle (and only if you are close personal friends). To say "that thing you're doing, that is a sin" has no relevance in a non-Christian's life, and certainly does not put us in a position to condemn them, or even say anything against them.

Yes, we don't agree with homosexuality. But I don't go around saying it, because giving my opinion on this doesn't help anyone see Christ in a loving light. My opinion, and YOUR OPINION, does not matter. Not in this case. I'm not talking about laws, or who you hang out with, or anything like that. I am talking purely about our mission on this earth, and that is "Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit" (Matthew 28:19). Does saying "these people need to repent!" help anything or draw anyone to Christ? Only some, but those people need to be told in a personal friend to friend situation, not a "I'm waving this statement like a flag" situation.

I love the church, but I am so disappointed in how we are handling this. We are attacking PEOPLE, children that God loves and wants to gather to Himself. But that's not going happen very often as long as we are, or at least come across as, hating.

Clarity.

As a Christian, one of the biggest things I tend to struggle with the most is clarity. Up to this point, I've seemed to wander around, bumping into things (which weirdly turn out exactly the way they should), and writing the story day by day that is my life. As a Christian, I believe with all my heart that God is has already written my story out and holds my hand as I make my way through this thing called life. God asks us to pray about everything in life. Even though He knows all, He still wants us to interact with Him on our own accord. That's how this wonderful relationship works: He loves and guides us, and we love and trust Him. It's wonderful really, to know that the God who created and sustains the Universe wants a personal and intimate relationship with us small, tiny, sinful human beings.

However, since we are small, tiny, sinful human beings, we forget that He is in control. He has exactly what needs to be happening going on. I know I forget that everyday.

My whole life, I've always known what's next. In elementary school, you knew middle school was coming. In middle school, you knew high school was coming. In high school, you knew college was coming, or for me, Ecola. After Ecola, I knew film school was coming. After film school, I knew I was moving to LA for an internship. After the internship, I quickly found a job. After that, I found a better job, which is where I'm at now. But in these last couple months, my whole world has been shaken up. I don't know what the next step is anymore. I always knew in my heart of hearts that I'd probably end up leaving LA at some point, I just didn't know why or in what capacity. And, I guess even now, I still don't. but I do have a better idea.

But I still hate not knowing what's coming next. I hate not having some control of my future. Or at least feeling like I had some sort of control.

Trusting God is a weird process. I wish with everything that I am that I woke up everyday, had enough faith to give it all to Him and have no worries about anything. I really wish that. But I don't. In fact, I worry way more than I'd like to admit. Most of the time I try to just get up, go do my thing, which is usually work, and come home and hang out with my girlfriend. That seems to be my life for the most part. But that's not bad. That's a normal day for a lot of the human race. But I'm not normal. I don't want an ordinary life. I want an extraordinary life. Which, for a worrier, that doesn't mix so well a lot of the time. extraordinary usually equals not knowing what's next. We pray and pray for guidance, for clarity. But most of the time for me, God just says "Let now be now" or "Just keep going and keep trusting me". So irritating sometimes. I plead with God to let me in on the big secret of what the rest of my life is going to look like, but of course He wants us to trust Him for those details.

But every so often, God allows a sneak peek, a moment where everything you worry about becomes clear, even if you don't know what exactly is becoming clear. That moment when everything is ok, and everything will work out, and you know it, you feel it. God gives you what you need when you need it in those moments. Tonight I had that experience. Everything was put into order. Everything that needs to matter to me was in focus, and everything I need to trust God on was clear. I know what I need to be doing right now. I can see the things that God wants me to focus on. And they are good.

Why should we worry? God's got this. In fact, God had this before there even was a "this". And that is a very comforting thought. :)

Selfless.

All my life, I've desired to find that one special girl who could fulfill all my hopes and dreams. You know, the "Ted Mosby" view on life (How I Met Your Mother, for those who don't watch). The quest to find "The One", the journey to feel loved and fulfilled. Now, I've dated before. Once for 4 days, once for 8 months, and once for 1 month. Three relationships that have all had profound effects on my life's story. And Lord knows in between those times, I've talked and written enough (especially on this blog) about desiring to find my "One". But in my 22 years, I was missing one very important point, and, in the end, it's the whole point of being in relationships in the first place. I was missing the one thing that makes or breaks our dating, relational, and (though I don't personally know, but I'm guessing) your married life. I was missing what I'm guessing some never realize: Dating isn't about you. It's not. Dating and relationships aren't about fulfilling yourself. If that's the mentality you have, you will probably fail 9 out of 10 times. Either that, or your life will be incredibly frustrating, along with the life of your significant other.

When we get into a relationship with someone, in order for it to work to it's fullest extent, you must be willing to give up yourself and your own selfish desires and constantly put the other person ahead of yourself. That's hard to do in many cases, as we are human beings that are inherently selfish. But every so often, you meet someone that makes that idea easy. You WANT to give up for them. It's so natural that you don't even think about being selfless, it just comes out, because you care about them so much. They become so much more important than yourself that your would do anything to make them better, to make them smile, to build them up into the best person they can possibly be, to push them to the greatness that they are possible of being. You become selfless.

Now, I think most of us at least realize this, but a lot of us struggle with understanding it. It's nice in theory, but how often do we actually put it into practice when dating? I know I didn't really put any effort into being selfless in my past relationships. I always thought "I'll do my thing, they will do theirs, and it'll all work out". EEHHH! WRONG. Even though when it works between people, when they really just click and understand one another, it still takes work every so often to keep being selfless. As I said, we are inherently selfish beings, so to be in a place where you have to be selfless all the time, that can be tough.

Now, that being said, that still isn't the whole picture. For many who aren't Christians, it is, so more power to you if you've figured out the above. But i believe to be truly selfless, to be truly in the right place, your relationship can't be about yourself, and, while you must be willing to give your whole self to that person, it's ultimately about giving yourself and your relationship to God. Here's how I think it works: You give yourself to him/her, he/she gives herself to you, and TOGETHER you give your relationship to God. Ultimately, your relationship exists to reflect Jesus, to serve Jesus, to love Jesus. That's the whole point of Christian relationships. It's an alliance for Jesus. Ephesians 5:23 and 25: "Wives, submit to your husbands as you do to the Lord." and "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." now there's always discussion about "Why do women have to submit and men don't?" and "Why do husbands have to love their wives and women don't?" That's not the point of those verses. Those two things are what the two parties struggle with most. You have to read between the lines and see the context. This is what I see when I read that: "Husbands and wives, submit yourselves and love your spouses as Christ did for the Church."

It's all about Jesus. Everything you do, but especially your relationships. They are given to you so that you can be used in each other's lives to build each other up as you go through life and love and serve Jesus together. That's what it's all about.

Chapters, This One and the Next.

I don't like to blog unless I feel like I have something worth saying, which seems to be the opposite mentality of how I treat my Facebook. I'll post anything on there without thinking. But this blog is different. It means something to me.

I have been struck recently with how much change happens in a lifetime, and how quickly it happens out of nowhere. Take it from me. In the last 3 years alone, I have moved away from home, lived on the Oregon Coast, gone to Bible school, did a Summer Ministry Team, moved to Michigan, attended film school, produced 2 films, moved into my best friend's house, did an internship, moved into a hotel, moved home for a month, moved back into my best friend's house, got a job at a Hollywood studio, moved into an apartment in North Hollywood, met a few famous actors, switched departments at work, watched my best friend now get married, and went to Kansas to watch my best friend from high school get married. And now, my life is under going a huge change once again: Dating.

I thought, since I had dated a couple times before, that I knew what I was doing, that I was "experienced". WRONG. Once again, my idea of what my life would be like or should be like is being redefined. Not in bad ways, but in incredibly good ways. She brings out things in me I always knew were there, but never knew what to do with, so I never addressed them. For example, I've always wanted to live abroad, but it never seemed in the cards. But because she does too, now I could see myself actually pursuing that. The point is I've always wanted to live an active life, and with her, she pushes that side out of be into the possibility of reality.

Life is extremely fluid, and sometimes that fluid can get stormy. I think it's easier for us humans usually to just find an anchor and stay put. Maybe that's a town, or a house, a spouse, or a job. Something that becomes constant. I think we get addicted to that stability and in many cases stop moving. Which, as a Christian, I see as becoming a lukewarm Christian, as spoken of in Revelation 3:16. Granted, I might be lumping all Christians into an unfair lump, but that's what I see in so much of the American Christian Church. I see complacency, and I know I'm apart of it. I don't want to be. I want to be an active part of God's plan for modern humanity, and I'm tired of sitting on my butt. Yeah, I work a 8, or sometimes 12, hour a day job. I know that's my life right now. But as I look ahead at my life to come, I don't want to be a Sunday Christian. I want to keep moving, keep proclaiming the gospel, keep helping people where they need help. That's my true passion. That's why I got into film in the first place, to change lives.

What does this all mean for me? All I know if I'm being told to let today be today, or "Let now be now", as I've been told. Something is being built up in me. Something big is coming. The next chapter is being prepped. But this chapter is still being written. And it's already proving to be the best one yet. God is a REALLY good writer.

The Horror Genre, and Why I Love It.

I am new to the horror movie genre. Well, relatively. I've only been watching them for about a year now. Before then, I couldn't get into them. As a child, I would be scared easily and I couldn't handle pretty much anything scary whatsoever. But as I grew up, I started watching more and more thrillers, so I learned how to handle things that can get into your head and freak you out more and more. But there is a difference between thrillers and horror, so why suddenly the change of heart?

Well, I can honestly say it started with the show 'Supernatural'. They deal with a lot of things that are on the more freaky side. I first tried the series when I was at Ecola Bible School, and the show made me feel uncomfortable, as if I was committing some sort of sin by watching the show. After all, generally shows that involve demons usually aren't' smiled upon by Christians. When I came back to the show a year later, I was in film school, and things were different. I was more into the art of filmmaking. I had matured to the point where I was able to watch it and separate the art from the content. But I still found the content really cool. Why? Because the show depicts spiritual warfare! Spiritual warfare is something many Christians shy away from. I feel like we don't think about the spiritual battles being waged around us constantly. Supernatural, while not Biblically sound, was able to physicalize a spiritual battleground, which I find fascinating. In fact, it grew my faith in that I thought about the battles being waged around me. I grew aware of them. Which, I think is a good thing, especially living in Hollywood, where there is much evil that people are unaware of.

Then, I befriended Scott Derrickson, last year, who directed Sinister. Sinister was the first horror film that I saw in theaters. It was then I understood. Good cerebral horror movies know how to scare you. Not GORE movies. I hate gore movies. They put themselves under the horror genre, but I really don't think they belong there.

I walked out of Sinister with a new interest: Why do horror movies scare us? It's something I love figuring out. I really love the feeling of being scared. But why do these movies scare us? What filmmaking tactics are most effective and most well received? It's fascinating! Beyond that, what are the subconscious tactics they use? I have a lot of fears in my life, fears of the future mostly, which causes anxiety, etc. But with horror movies, I know exactly what's scaring me. It's right there on the screen and in the soundtrack. I love figuring out why the good horrors are good and the bad horrors are bad. It's a lot of fun! The feeling of not knowing what is going to happen next is one of the most thrilling things I've ever experienced. But the difference between not knowing what is going to happen next in a movie, and not knowing what is going to happen next in life is that you know the movie will be over in 2 hours. Life is more scary because you don't know when things will be resolved. I like things in life to be resolved, so when they aren't quickly, I hate it. But with movies, they take us out of the real world, scare us for two hours, then throw us back out. It's also the throwing us back out that is interesting to me too. Horror movies don't keep me up at night, but they do make me think.

Horrors usually have something to do with killers or ghosts or monsters, or all three. Killers and monsters don't have an overall effect on me, unless the monsters are demons, because I know demons are real. So it leaves ghosts (and demons). Those are the ones that scare me most. They scare me because I don't understand them, yet I know they are both real to either some extent (ghosts) or to a long extent (demons). These movies make me think about the spiritual world like no other genre can do. That's a major reason I love these movies. For me, God has used them in my life to make me more aware of the battles that are raging around us, the battles we can't see.

And, it has made me more aware of the incredible Godly protection I am under. And I love that.

Grabbing Life By The Horns.

Last night, I saw The Spectacular Now, and I must say, I loved it. It brought back all of the nostalgia of high school and why I actually enjoyed myself for the most part during those 4 years. It also brought back the nostalgia of that first long intensive high school romance that so many of us experience. This movie brought back all the good memories of growing up. Lately, I've been focusing on the bad memories, as if they were the only ones to shape who I am. I don't know why, it was a phase. But after seeing this movie, along with other factors recently, I'm starting to remember the positive things too.

We are all molded by the events of our lives. I am a Christian, so I also believe in prayer, The power of the Bible, and God's control of our lives if we give it up to Him. Since my sophomore year of high school, I have been actively pursuing a solid relationship with Jesus. I know that may sound weird to non-Christians, but I can tell you, it's as real as any other friendship or relationship. In fact it's the deepest I've ever known. I ask God every day to make me into the man he wants me to be, to guide me through this life, to allow me to make the decisions necessary to be the man He wants me to be. I desire to have an effect on this world for the positive, so I ask Him constantly to build that within me. And he has. And is. And is continuing to. But what does that mean? I don't know exactly. but I feel that I am nearing the end of my time growing into manhood. I still feel like a kid in so many ways, but I am growing so close to the point where I will stop growing up into manhood and start expanding on who I am as a man. The foundation has been built, now its time to use that foundation to start framing the walls.

Since I believe my life is being guided by a higher power, I can look back on my life to gain some perspective on where I am going in life. I was raised in a solid family, and I am very committed to my family. Plus, when I fall for girls, I fall pretty hard. I don't just fall for anyone. In fact, I have crushes very sparingly. So I know that whatever serious relationships, and eventually family, that I have, I'll be all in and fully committed. I also know that I get very passionate about what I do career-wise. I want to change the world for good, and I've never been afraid to dream bigger than what seems to be attainable. I had a dream to go to film school, then move to Hollywood, and start gaining connections in the film business. Seems crazy right? Well, here I am. So i've decided to dream big again. I want to create my own production company, one that would have multiple areas of operations, namely LA and Portland. There's so much untapped potential in Portland and in Oregon as a whole, and I want to tap into that! In the short run, I want to start creating cheap quality short films, so I'm going to take up writing. I never thought I'd ever return to writing, but it's a skill I want to refine and use to my advantage. I want to be as valuable to this industry as possible. Thirdly, I also seem to have learned to be an influence on friends, to be able to help them out in any way I can. I love helping people, and I hope to somehow keep applying that to helping people in need, and to helping my friends be all that they can be as well. I don't want to be in this industry for strictly myself, I believe we all have to stick together and help each other through. So many people have enemies in this town, and it's only a matter of time before I do too, but I don't want enemies. I want allies and friends.

I have been incredibly blessed. I have had rough times to teach me to love the good times, and I certainly have good times as well. We all have to learn to look back in order to build upon who we are becoming as people. It's time for me to take control of my future and who I'm growing to be and actively grow. I'm tired of waiting for life to come to me. I'm going to go and grab it by the horns for myself.

And I ask God to guide me to the right bulls.

Weddings

Weddings have the strangest effect on people. There's something so magical to human beings about them. It's that age old occasion where masses of people come together to celebrate the union of (traditionally) a man and a woman who's love has transcended all others and have come together to commit to a lifetime of help, support, and unconditional love.

The effect these special days have on people come in all sorts and sizes, but no one ends up not effected in some way by the end of the day. Couples who attend usually think about the potential they have with their signifiant other. Singles who attend, whether content or not, end up thinking about who they will potentially marry and where they are at the moment. Married couples probably remember the good times they had when they got married themselves, and hopefully recommit to that love (I have never been in this position, so I don't actually know).

I know that for me personally, these last weeks since Benton and Kim Trerise's wedding have been very thought provoking in many ways. I've been so happy for them! These two have been a couple ever since I met them, and really, it was about time! But with any wedding, I started thinking about my own life, where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going.

These are the conclusions I have come to.

First off, I'm only 21 (22 tomorrow). Being single, as discontent as I can be about it, is FINE. I am really really young still, and I have a lot to experience and learn on my own before I get tied down, especially living and working in Hollywood. I am nowhere near ready to get married. Nowhere! Me being me, I know if I got married young, I might feel like I'm missing out on things. That, and I'm not mature enough. I'm such a child about many things. Yes, I've gotten better, but that still stands. I still have a lot of growing up to do before I'm ready to be the head of a household. Seriously. Also, I don't make enough money to support myself, let alone more than that. And my lifestyle is sporadic! I work, eat, sleep, hang out with friends. I barely have time to do all that. I mean, obviously things will change when I get married, but you all know what I mean.

When I discuss these things, it's mostly me reassuring myself that God does in fact have a plan for my dating and married life. For some reason its the area I have the most trouble in trusting God for. I guess it's been so "here and there" throughout my life, I just want to know when the next chapter starts. Or maybe it already has! I'll admit, sometimes I'll look at the passenger seat of my car or the left side of my bed and wonder who will one day fill it. I wonder it more times a week than I'd care to admit. Being with somebody is built into us. After all, God did create Eve because Adam was lonely, and God didn't like that in the least bit. So in those times that I do feel lonely, I don't feel bad about it, because I know that it's a God given feeling. But I trust Him. If He is aware enough to give Adam Eve, then I know He's waiting for the right time, the right moment to reveal who my "one" is. Maybe I have to date other girls before I find her or maybe she's the next girl. Maybe she's a close friend. Maybe she's a girl I know but don't talk to a lot. Or maybe I have yet to meet her. I have no idea. But what I do know is I want to become the best man I can, spiritually, physically, financially, and in leadership.

So bring it on life. Bring it. I'll be ready when the time comes.

Also, can I just say that I'm REALLY glad God is in charge and not me?

Forward and Back

Wow! My 50th post in a little under 2 years! These last 2 years have really flown by... Seriously.

I've been having a hard time trying to figure out my future lately, which sounds dumb I know, but bare with me. I'm in Southern California, which I never would have seen coming 2 or 3 years ago. I'm not even completely sure how it happened. It was an idea, then we did it. Didn't really over think it. It was totally a God thing in that the idea took hold and stayed there, and I've been able to stay relatively plain free, not counting an internship last fall that didn't pay and living in a HORRIBLE hotel for 2 months with 3-4 guys at a time. So now I'm here, I have two roommates in NoHo, a job in WeHo, and friends I try to hang out with every week in Glendora. Cool.

But why am I here? It's irritating not to be able to see even a glimpse of the next chapter. I'm just kinda here, barely surviving. Which is fine, really. I've always had it easy-ish. It's good for me to be out here, battling the suckiness of real life and the real world. I feel very in the middle, just kinda floating. I see what my life used to be, and I'm waiting for what my life will be.

The future is interesting. I'll probably work for Quixote for a while, start getting into some Photo Assistant gigs, try to get some film set work as well. I'll definitely be trying to produce as many things as I can get my hands on, just so I can start getting my name out there. As for girls and relationships, who the heck knows... Eventually finding a wife is a huge goal for me. It doesn't have to be soon, but I'd at least like to start the ball rolling.. which seems to be an issue for me for whatever reason. So there's that short look into my mind on that subject.

Anyways, what started this whole blog for me was the past. I've done looking into my past a lot in the past couple years, but I never look past 2010. I feel that it's important that I start doing that. You can't know where are going until you accept your past. I don't like who I was before going to Ecola. I don't even really like who I was during Ecola. It was during SMT that I really found out who I truly am. But tonight, I was looking through old pictures of my high school youth group at Dilley Bible Church. I loved it there... I felt needed and important. Chris and Tonia Brown, the youth leaders, were the second biggest adult influences on me when I was growing up. I literally wouldn't be me without them. It was partly through them that I learned to see my worth in God's eyes, especially since I had such low self esteem in middle school and high school. It was through youth group that I deepened my desire to know God better, and was the source through with I eventually decided to go to Ecola, without which I literally would not be sitting here typing this blog.

I've learned to block out and not think about so much of my past, but I need to learn to go back, dig into it, and see what I can learn from it all. Because my past is the story about how I got here, and the set up for how I get to 1 year from now, or 5 years, or 10 and beyond. I thank God for all of the people that have helped me get to this place, a place I never ever would have expected in a million years to be. But God is cool like that. Out of nowhere, He can change your life forever. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes it's to help you grow through hardship. Either way, He loves you. He loves me. Without Him, I never would have got here (not to mention, without him I wouldn't exist, etc, but that's  not my point). His help is right there. All you have to do is reach out your hand and grab His and he will lead you exactly to where you need to be.

Thank God For My Famil(ies).

I am an extremely family oriented guy. I always have been, always will be. I grew up very close to my parents, sister, and grandparents, and I'm still extremely close to them. In some ways, despite living 1000 miles away from them, I'm closer to them than ever before. I feel bad sometimes for moving away to Michigan and then California to pursue my so called "dreams". I feels selfish. And, at the very core of it, it is selfish. But, thank God, they understand better than anyone that I would be unhappy if I weren't out trying to make something more of my life. I have the most unbelievable family in the world! I really do :)

But because I'm away from them, there's a huge hole in my life. Family are the people that you can go to for help, for comfort, to laugh with, to cry with. Living in LA, I'm on my own.

Ok, that's not 100% true. In fact, that's what this blog is about. I have been blessed with a sort of surrogate family out here: The Trerise family. I can't tell you how much of a blessing they are in my life. Tonight, as I drove home from hanging out with them, I started tearing up. Not because I miss my family like crazy (which is totally true), not because I do feel very lonely out here sometimes (which tends to happen from time to time), but because I am so incredibly thankful for the Trerise's! Who knew that when I met Benton at Ecola Bible School almost 3 years ago that I would grow as close to him and his family as I am with my own family. Careth is like a second mom to me, Tim is like a second father to me, Judy is like a third grandmother to me, Tiffany is like a second sister, and Ryan is like the brother I never had. I would do anything for this family (including hours of wedding prep, which has happened a lot recently).

I am so incredibly thankful for where God has put me in this life. He's allowed me to move to Hollywood, given me a job, and has taken care of my needs, down to the detail of needing a type of family to lean on and to retreat to and hang out with when I need a safe place to go and rest. I look at my life, past and present, and I am amazed that I doubt God's provision for me at all. I mean really! How dare I not trust Him! Where He has brought me from and where He has brought me to is an incredible story of provision! God has got this! He's in complete control of life, the universe, and everything! How dare any of us question His ways. So many question God, asking 'how can He allow this of that?' He's God. Nothing can exist without him, even scientifically speaking. God is good. I'm so glad He's opened my heart to Him so I can experience His love on a personal level. You can have that too!

John 3:16- For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, so that whoever believes in Him will have everlasting life.

God loves you so much that He sacrificed Himself so that you could experience His love and look forward to spending eternity with Him. How awesome is that? I cannot even comprehend that. He's the best Father ever :)

'Merica

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a confession to make. Through my life, I've been very passive about my feelings for the country I live in, which for you random foreign readers, is the USA. I can't explain why. I mean, we are raised to love our country, and I certainly have the family background for it. One of my grandpa's was a career Navy man, and the other fought in the Army during the Korean War. My Dad applied to be in the Air Force, but was rejected due to eye sight issues (if I remember right). All throughout growing up, you say the Pledge of Allegiance day after day in elementary school, placing your hand over your heart, look a the American flag, and pledge yourself to the country. But I still never felt overly pledged to this country, not in my mind. And then, as I grew older, I started to see the screwed up way our country is governed. I grew up in a household during the Afghan and Iraqi Wars that would watch the news during dinner, usually ending with my Dad exclaiming "ARE THEY STUPID??" whenever George Bush spoke or did anything of any kind. Through my experiences growing up with parents that didn't ascribe to either Democrat or Republican, it really helped me come into my own research and thinking on anything having to do with politics. I think both sides aren't very good at their jobs. I think both sides can be right. But both sides can be VERY wrong ALL THE TIME. And then during SMT, the pastor who spoke at one of our camps wouldn't say the Pledge of Allegiance because he had "already pledged his life to Jesus", which got me thinking about how uncomfortable I always have been with it. And honestly, I haven't said the Pledge since then, just because I don't feel comfortable doing so. I'm not anti-American in any way, I just love Jesus WAYYYY more than this country. And countries aren't perfect. I mean, really, look at this place! Nowhere near a perfect entity that I'd want to pledge my heart and soul to.

Anyways, that was my life. The 4th of July was my sister's birthday. Yay, our country was created and we were free and there are fireworks, and for us, CAKE! I didn't get it. It was just how life was. Nothing more.

It wasn't until I moved to Southern California and started living truly on my own that it really clicked! I would go to work and realize "Man.. we can do ANYTHING in this country!" Do you know how trivial and stupid a career in film is? We shouldn't get paid for this! It's ridiculous! And yet, here I am, pursuing my dream because it's my right to do so. How awesome is that?!

So yes, this was the first 4th of July that I was truly thankful for living in the United States of America. We are truly blessed! Yes, I do think our time is coming. Every great empire falls eventually, and we are no different. But for now, I get to take advantage of this freedom and hopefully build a career, and a better world!

America is great. It really is. There is other place I'd rather live! But I am thankful for the perspective I have on it. I owe the majority of that to my father. Thanks, Dad :)

Past and Future.

Well, apparently I'm not going to bed as soon as I thought, as it's currently 2:30am. I got caught up in looking through old pictures, videos, notes, and statuses on Facebook tonight. It's incredible how much I have changed in just the last 2 to 3 years. 3 years ago, I had just graduated from high school, was working a summer job picking berries, and dating the only serious girlfriend I have ever had (before that or since then). 1 year ago, I was in the middle of producing Timeless, my thesis short film at Compass. 2 years ago, I was in the middle of Summer Ministry Team and was on my last day being a counselor at Lake Retreat in Washington, about to move on to Newport, Washington where I would meet my dear friends, the Fountain Family.

I'll be honest, I miss the past. It was so much simpler in so many ways. Now I have to worry about bills and surviving month to month, wondering if I will ever really make it in this crazy town of Hollywood. The past is safer, because I know how it ends. The future is scary. I don't know what's out there. I could end up jobless, dreamless, broke, and alone for all I know. Or I could be extremely successful, have everything I've ever dreamed, and effect people's lives. Or I could have a status quo job, with a wife, 2 kids, and a mortgage. Who knows! It could go so many different ways.

As previously posted, I've been slowly coming out of a fog. I've just been going, going, going without much outside thoughts on my life. But certain events have changed that recently, causing me to really look and think about where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going, and where I want to go for that matter. And again, it could go so many different ways. I hope and pray for my future all the time right now. I'm stuck in this in between stage of life, right after school, and right before success. It's irritating really, having to wait it out, to see what God has in store. But that's my life. This stage has come quicker to me than most of my peers. Most of my peers have either settled into their dead end job or are still in college, trying to figure out what the hell to do next. But for me, figuring out what is going on has been slammed on the table right in front of me. All I have to do is keep chugging along. If God wants me to get a big break, that's His prerogative. It's not on my shoulders to find my shot at the big leagues. That's not my responsibility. My responsibility is to be ready if it does come, and when it does, knock it out of the park with the skills that I have been building up for the last 22 years of my life.

So I will keep praying, keep working, and keep going, because God has big things in store for me. I just have to remember to trust that He knows how big of a thing I can handle. And if it is a small big thing, I can't be disappointed, but instead be the best steward of that gift I can possibly be.

Winds of Change.

If there's one thing I've always had trouble wrapping my head around, it's the ever changing state that life is. This trouble started back in my freshmen year of high school when I went into a deep depression that put me in a state of complete disbelief of my life and the events going on in it. After that, God had me go to Ecola Bible School, which opened up my world in ways I never possibly could have imagined, along with giving me this profound and undying joy for life. Then I did SMT, which gave me even more joy. But when that came to a sudden stop (like camp always does) and found my life totally switching gears into the world of film college within a week or two of each other, I found myself burying those emotions connected with dealing with change. Ever since the end of SMT (which is going on 2 years now), I've been in this state of just doing what I have to do without feeling any emotional tie to those feelings of change in my life. I've just done it, and tried to do it to the best of my ability.

But today, I think I'm finally gaining a little of that back. I am home in Oregon this weekend to see my sister graduate from high school. Ever since I touched down in Portland, I've felt this insane sense of "John, your life is headed in the exact right direction that it should be going. This world is big, and you're out there doing your thing, just like you're supposed to." Thats huge for me. I've felt like I've just been wandering around LA, randomly bumping into the right things at the right time somehow. But now, I feel... purpose driven. It was so much fun to talk to my immediate and extended family about what I'm doing with my life right now, and what a huge shot I have at actually being something. It was so much fun to talk to all of my cousins like we were equals, sharing crazy stories about the insane crap we've gotten into. The world is very small, and we're out there enjoying it each in our small ways. The Friend family has this destiny. I don't know what it is, but we do. And I'm so excited to see what it is.

God is opening up my world and mind again. I've been so closed off, so afraid of getting hurt or failing. Whether it has to do with my career, family, friends, or girls, I'm more ready for the big changes that are coming to my life. It feels like the quiet before the storm. The next 6 months, year, or even two years are going to be huge. I can feel it. It's a feeling I've been afraid of, but now that it's upon me, I'm so ready to embrace it. I want my career to launch. I want to love my family at all times. I want to grow as close to my friends as possible. I want to finally start dating again. I have this life I'm so ready to embrace living! I've been just floating through, trying to get to the next day to see if it will be better. I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to feel and fulfill my purposes and goals in life. I'm ready to stop being afraid that life is going to screw me over, and to start living to the fullest, to start taking chances, to dive in and see what happens in different situations!

I live too much in the past. I'm too often afraid of the future. Now is now, and now is where I live. So why should I be afraid? Instead, I want to laugh. I want to love. I want to live. So why not? What's stopping me? Fear? Screw fear. Fear gets me nowhere.

It's time for me to start jumping and embrace the change.

God: The Holy Attention Getter

God uses the craziest things to get our attention. Seriously.

Over the last months, I've been having a hard time trusting God, one side effect from that has been dealing with massive anxiety attacks. In the Bible, the apostle Paul talks about having a thorn that he has to deal with. We don't know exactly what that thorn is, but I know what mine is right now: anxiety. I've been slowly learning to deal with it, with the help of my family and friends. But anyways, it's been really hard to transition into life in here LA and Hollywood because I'm afraid to feel. Why? Because to feel would be to let emotions in, which in turn can get out of control, which can cause that pesky anxiety. And the root of all of that stems from not putting my full trust in God's plan for me.

I think what I hate the most about not trusting God is that I KNOW in my heart that that's the single only thing I can do. I know I believe in God, His grace, and His plan for me. I know that He's large and in charge. So why can't I just trust Him? Because my head hasn't been letting me. My life has been so crazy, with so much change in the last few years. Ever since I left home after high school, it's been non-stop change. I went to Ecola, my girlfriend broke up with me, I dated another girl, she broke up with me, Ecola ended, SMT training, SMT, moved to Michigan, attended Compass, produced a couple short films, graduated, moved to Los Angeles, was an intern, went home to Oregon for a month, came back to LA, lived with my best friend's family, worked a crap job, got a great new job, moved to North Hollywood, and have started pre-production on a short film. It's crazy! I literally have not had time to let things sink in for any amount of time for the last 2 years running. I've been just doing my thing and not really grasping that it's happening. And the same is true now.

But God can get your attention in the craziest ways.

This morning I watched the original The Omen. Now, I really did go into this movie with the mindset that it would probably be evil and bad and something "a Christian shouldn't watch". But as I watched the film, I found myself thinking about God's huge plan for the world. The Bible is incredibly plain spoken about God's plan. God knew from the beginning that the Lucifer would become the Devil and we would mess up at the whole perfection thing, so he put his plan into motion from the beginning. The Bible is the story of God constantly saying "Guys! I got this!" And the same is true all the way up to the end of the story, which most of is chronicled in the books of Daniel and Revelation. In these books, God speaks of an Antichrist which will rise and take over the world through peaceful means. You see, Lucifer fell because he became prideful and wanted to be like God. In the end times spoken of in the aforementioned books, Lucifer will be allowed to have his way with the world, but in the end, Christ will come down from heaven once again and kick the Devil's butt. There is much speculation about how the Devil will do all of this, but the story told in The Omen actually is a legitimate idea about how the Antichrist will arrive on Earth. You see, the Devil likes to copy God, possibly a way to prove that he is just as cool (which of course, he's not). So it is possible that the Devil will copy God and send his "son", just as God did with Christ.

This whole story line has gotten me thinking about the status of my trust in God. See, we know that God is in charge. He knows what is going to happen to the world from beginning to end, including how each and every one of our lives will go. Seeing how that is portrayed in The Omen, even though it's not a story about God, for me it was a reminder of how God knows exactly how the end times will play out and how He's in control of every aspect of it, even the Devil and Antichrist. God  is in control. He always has been, and He always will be. How awesome is that?

Why is there evil in the world? Maybe one reason is to show us that even though it exists and bad things are allowed to happen, God uses those things to draw us closer to Him. I know when I'm in the dark valleys of life, I cling harder to Him.

I'm so glad that God knows me so well inside and out that He can use the craziest things to get my attention. And I love that so incredibly much.

Hope.

This world we live in is a dark place, as we Americans have been reminded. Yesterday, the Boston Marathon was bombed, sending a shock throughout the world. We are reminded that this is a world of danger that we live in. What are we to do? Live in fear? We as human beings have a natural tendency to fear that which we do not know, such as threats to our lives. As human beings, we also have a tendency to look up to something greater than ourselves. Since the beginning of time, humanity has looked to the God, the Sun, and the Earth (for examples) as things to to look up to and worship. As we have come into the modern age, humanity has become more centered inward, with science proving things right or wrong, the search for meaning in life becoming essencial, and with more information available to us all the time. We have become a society that doesn't trust anyone or anything, and we try to find meaning and strength within ourselves. For some that's enough, but not for me.

I believe in God. It's gotten to the point that there's nothing that could make me un-believe in Him. Too much in my life has been guided and effected by something bigger than me or anything else in this world. 

I think that even though this world is very much trying to be independent of any "God", we all still search in our hearts for something. I think we, as the post-modern generation, are starting to look for something greater. We want an example to look up to. We don't trust the government, so it's not that. Other people around us let us down all the time, so we generally don't trust those around us as someone to look up to. I think we are looking for a leader to lead us. We are somewhat of a wandering generation, and we are starting to realize it. 

I say that the leader is Jesus, because I know He is the only answer, which will be seen in time. But I think our generation wants a hero. And that's why I think this is the perfect time for Man Of Steel to come out. Is it a little sacrilegious to say talk about Jesus and Superman as saviors of the world in the same post? Yeah, but that's not my point. My point is that movie is going to do well because we WANT a hero that is good and almighty. Jesus Christ is that hero we all long for, but the masses won't see that until He comes back. Until then, the world will keep moving forward with our heads down, every once in a while looking up to see if anyone is there to lead them.

Humanity, whether it realizes it or not, longs for hope. We need somebody to lead us. That's just the way we are built. I hope and pray that God has lead me to Hollywood so that I can use media to show people the hope that I know so personally. I can only pray that Man Of Steel is also used in people's hearts, to awaken the realization that they need someone to look up to. I can only pray.

As said in Smallville, "The day is coming." The show was speaking of a hero conqueror that was going to redeem Earth. Obviously, it was speaking of Superman, but in my heart, I know Jesus is the real hero we all are waiting for.

742.

Usually the traits we hate most in other people are the traits most often we ourselves possess. And this is very true of myself.

I hate complainers. (Now you see where this is going?) Yet I myself am one of the biggest complainers of all time. God knows this very well, as I don't normally complain a ton on the outside. Usually it's in  my heart and soul. But right now, it's something I can't keep in. I've been keeping a lot inside recently. I'm in such a place of transition in my life that I don't feel the right to talk about most of it. That's why this blog is becoming so important to me. It's a way to talk about it without talking about it.

742. This number has become very important to me. Well, at least this manifestation of it. You see, it grows every day. So, what is this number? We'll get to that.

My life has been crazy, as I've said. With Ecola, then SMT, then Compass, then moving out to LA, going home, and moving back to LA and starting an all consuming job, I haven't really had time for cultivate any new friendships or relationships, especially in the last 6 months. As far as physically close friends, I have Benton, his family, and Kim when she's home from school. That's it. Sure, I have plenty of friends who I talk to every once in a while who live elsewhere, but it's not the same. It's always a catch up and not a true growing and expanding of friendship. Which is lonely. Really lonely.

742. That's how many days it's been since I was last in a relationship. Yeah. That number really sucks. Granted, up until 3 months ago, and maybe even now to a degree, I haven't been in a place where I should be dating anyone. But now, as the dust of my life is settling for the first time in 2 years, it hits me harder and harder every day. My best friend is getting married in August. I am so freakin excited for him!!! It's gonna be an awesome wedding, and an even more awesome life that he and Kim will lead together. But, just like it's said in How I Met Your Mother, weddings cause you look at your life and try to figure out why you're still single. And I haven't a clue why.

Timing. I know God's timing is perfect. I've had that said to me tens, if not hundreds of times. I know that He's holding it back from me. Please don't tell me that in the future. I know. I know it will "all work out when it's supposed to". No kidding. No, this is me complaining to God. This is me crying out to Him, asking Him why. This is me asking Him why girls don't like me, or if they do, why they don't see me as worth the risk. I can't tell you how many times I've been told "I love talking to you!" or "You're the NICEST guy!" or "I'm so comfortable with you!" Do they think that because my last name is Friend that that's all I want? I'm a GUY. You tell me that, and my mind goes directly to 'Ok, how likely would a relationship be with this girl?' And I'm also a guy who looks for the affirmation of others. I do, right or wrong. And when I, in 742 days, have had ONE person who was remotely interested in me, that hurts.

And now I'm in a place with almost no friends, let alone female friends. And, to reiterate, I know God's timing is perfect. It is, and when I'm ready He will allow someone to come into my life. Maybe she's the one, or maybe she's the first of a few. Who knows except Him.

One thing that churches try to push is being "content in your singleness". And granted, I've tried. But if I've ever uttered those words to you, I'm sorry, it was a lie. Maybe I've been settled in my singleness in the past, but never content. Is that bad? Probably. Should I learn to be? Probably. But God made me with a longing. The longing which the Bible speaks of in Genesis when Adam is lonely and desires a mate. That longing has been past through generation after generation, and landed with me. But somehow, God has kept it from me, just as He kept it from Adam for a time. God has kept it from me for 742 days, and counting. I don't know why. Probably to teach me patience and dependence. He's good at doing that.

But, Lord, I'm lonely out here in the world, vast and dark. I'm here to ask you for some help. You've created me with a longing and an admiration for girls. And I know you created them specifically for us guys, because we need help. Because we need a light to guide us to You and Your Plan. I ask that you would guide me to both, and that you would make me content with or without.

Amen.

Who/What Am I?

Wow, 2 posts in two days. I'd love to ascribe some deeper meaning to it, but I'm sure its just because I can't sleep. So I took to going back through some of my posts on this blog, many of which I haven't seen in 6 months to a year. The funny thing is that throughout this blog, I mention over and over that I've "grown up". But what I'm realizing now is I will always be growing up, from birth, to now, and on until I die. Frankly, as I believe in Jesus and that I'll go to heaven when I die, I also believe I'll probably keep growing up in heaven too.

What I'm discovering at this point in my life is that I have no idea what's going on, or really where I'm going. I believe that I'm being molded into something with a purpose. Now, I have no idea what that purpose is. I have some ideas about what I'd LIKE it to be, but really I know God has other plans. But what I do know is that I have been created not to lead a "normal" life. I don't want normal, I want my life to be an adventure (which goes against what I talked about last night, with hating change). I mean, look at me! I'm working in Hollywood! If I had told my younger self that I'd be working at a studio in Hollywood at 21, I would have laughed in your face. I never thought this would be me. But the last few years, I have longed for the extraordinary.

Life is weird. I look back on my life, which really and honestly, I don't do a ton anymore. Well, then again, I do it a lot. Ok, let me explain. I tend to think about certain things a lot. There are points on my life's timeline I tend to think about way more than others. I think about my family, my Mom and Dad and sister and grandparents. I think about how sucky high school was. I think about Jessyca, my first serious girlfriend. I think about Cannon Beach. I think about SMT. I think about classes at Compass. But there is so much of my life that I've buried deep inside me, so many things I don't think about on purpose, because it either hurts to think about it or possibly because I'm still in denial that I could have possibly journeyed from there to here. I don't believe my life at times. I know it's real. Sometimes its way TOO real. But my mind is having a very hard time believing all of this stuff that has happened so crazily in the last 4 years. Is that weird? I feel like it is. I'm having to force myself to just live in the moment, which comes much too easily sometimes.

I am at a point in my life that is just going with it. And I feel like that's how my spiritual life is going right now too. I grew up in a Christian family. I went to church every Sunday. I went to Ecola Bible School for a year. I go to Church of the Open Door, where Ed Underwood is the pastor. I know what the Bible says, I know that Jesus is Lord. But I'm in the stage of my life that I'm trying to figure out how it all applies practically. What is it that God wants from me? Perfection? No.. I can't do that. I am an imperfect wretch that sins day after day after day. I feel like everyday I'm having to decide which sins are worth fighting against in that day or hour. So what does He want? I think right now, He just wants me to live life and listen for His lessons in my life. I honestly believe that. I am in a place where He just wants be to be content and to wait.

My "growing up" experience is far from over. FAR from over. I'm still so immature in my age, life, and faith. I can only ask God to be patient with me, as I try to figure this thing called life out. For some reason, He has been for 21 years thus far. And I take comfort in the story of King David. Lord knows he did some horrible, horrible things, yet it was God he wanted from the beginning. I can only ask God for the strength to be a fraction of the man that David was, and to love Him with everything that I am.

Or at least try to.

Laying It Out There.

I haven't posted on this blog in months. I guess I've sort of been afraid to. My life has been crazy, yet not crazy. Interesting, yet nothing I really had anything to say about. But I realize that this isn't a blog about interesting things. It can't be. This blog isn't meant to get people's attention. I used to use it as a cry for help. I started it when I was in Michigan, when I felt trapped and unguided as to what life was supposed to be. So far, my life hasn't been the status quo. At all. I was never popular in high school, yet got good grades, so I found some redemption in that. I didn't really go to college like everyone ever expects you to. I went to a small Bible school in Oregon for a year, and then an even smaller film school in Michigan for a year.

Then, I moved to LA. I haven't even had time to think since August. Well, maybe I have, but for some reason my brain hasn't allowed me to. It's almost as if my brain went into fight mode, denying that my life's future was unsure. And then I went home for a month. That was even more confusing. I loved being home! Yet, I knew I had to come back to LA. Career-wise, there's nothing in Oregon. Plus, the family dynamic right now is... rough. All of our lives are in transition, whether we want to admit it or not. My Grandpa is learning to be a bachelor again, my Grandma is in a rest home, my sister is about to graduate from high school and has a boyfriend in the navy, and my parents are having to deal with their entire world changing in ways they never ever expected. Yeah, I loved LOVED being home, but I was never settled when I was there. The one place in the world I felt was safe suddenly didn't feel like home as much anymore. Why? Because I had grown up. I had spent 2 years away from home during some of the biggest times of growing a person experiences in life: 19 and 20. And I wasn't ready for that change. I hate change. In fact, I hate change so much, I feel physically sick when I get nervous for something. And, HOLY COW, did I feel nervous. I purposely didn't seek out people to hang out with when I was home because every time I stepped out my front door, I felt like I was going to be sick. It was awful.

Then I came back to LA. And if I thought it was bad at home, that 2 day drive back down to LA was even worse. The entire second day I felt like I was going to hurl. When I got to the Trerise's house, the next couple of days, I still felt sick. I played it off as a bug, but it was a lie. Even now, I'm not eating a ton because I'm somewhat scared to. The Trerise's think I'm not a big eater. I used to be before all this change and transition happened. I was scared out of my mind to be here.

And I still am.

I have a job now. A great job! I work at Smashbox Studios in West Hollywood. I get to be in the same room as big Hollywood names on a weekly basis. But I'm still scared out of my mind. I leave the house every day for work feeling sick to my stomach. Why is that? I think I've finally figured that out. 

TRUST.

Or lack there of. This week, the History Channel has been airing "The Bible". Awesome, awesome far reaching big budget retelling of the Bible. One of the big themes, obviously, is trusting God in your life no matter what. That's been my problem. I haven't been trusting him. I get nervous for work because I haven't been trusting Him to guide me through it. I get nervous around girls (oh, you have no idea..) because I haven't been trusting Him for my love, or lack there of, life. God is literally teaching me that I HAVE to trust Him ALL THE TIME, or otherwise there are literally consequences.

I literally don't care if anyone reads this blog from here on out. I just need it to say things I haven't had the balls to say up to now. Yes, I'll check to see how many people read it. I am human. But this blog is no longer a cry from help. At least not to man. No, it needs to become a place to get things off my chest and a place to pray to God.