Forward and Back

Wow! My 50th post in a little under 2 years! These last 2 years have really flown by... Seriously.

I've been having a hard time trying to figure out my future lately, which sounds dumb I know, but bare with me. I'm in Southern California, which I never would have seen coming 2 or 3 years ago. I'm not even completely sure how it happened. It was an idea, then we did it. Didn't really over think it. It was totally a God thing in that the idea took hold and stayed there, and I've been able to stay relatively plain free, not counting an internship last fall that didn't pay and living in a HORRIBLE hotel for 2 months with 3-4 guys at a time. So now I'm here, I have two roommates in NoHo, a job in WeHo, and friends I try to hang out with every week in Glendora. Cool.

But why am I here? It's irritating not to be able to see even a glimpse of the next chapter. I'm just kinda here, barely surviving. Which is fine, really. I've always had it easy-ish. It's good for me to be out here, battling the suckiness of real life and the real world. I feel very in the middle, just kinda floating. I see what my life used to be, and I'm waiting for what my life will be.

The future is interesting. I'll probably work for Quixote for a while, start getting into some Photo Assistant gigs, try to get some film set work as well. I'll definitely be trying to produce as many things as I can get my hands on, just so I can start getting my name out there. As for girls and relationships, who the heck knows... Eventually finding a wife is a huge goal for me. It doesn't have to be soon, but I'd at least like to start the ball rolling.. which seems to be an issue for me for whatever reason. So there's that short look into my mind on that subject.

Anyways, what started this whole blog for me was the past. I've done looking into my past a lot in the past couple years, but I never look past 2010. I feel that it's important that I start doing that. You can't know where are going until you accept your past. I don't like who I was before going to Ecola. I don't even really like who I was during Ecola. It was during SMT that I really found out who I truly am. But tonight, I was looking through old pictures of my high school youth group at Dilley Bible Church. I loved it there... I felt needed and important. Chris and Tonia Brown, the youth leaders, were the second biggest adult influences on me when I was growing up. I literally wouldn't be me without them. It was partly through them that I learned to see my worth in God's eyes, especially since I had such low self esteem in middle school and high school. It was through youth group that I deepened my desire to know God better, and was the source through with I eventually decided to go to Ecola, without which I literally would not be sitting here typing this blog.

I've learned to block out and not think about so much of my past, but I need to learn to go back, dig into it, and see what I can learn from it all. Because my past is the story about how I got here, and the set up for how I get to 1 year from now, or 5 years, or 10 and beyond. I thank God for all of the people that have helped me get to this place, a place I never ever would have expected in a million years to be. But God is cool like that. Out of nowhere, He can change your life forever. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes it's to help you grow through hardship. Either way, He loves you. He loves me. Without Him, I never would have got here (not to mention, without him I wouldn't exist, etc, but that's  not my point). His help is right there. All you have to do is reach out your hand and grab His and he will lead you exactly to where you need to be.

Thank God For My Famil(ies).

I am an extremely family oriented guy. I always have been, always will be. I grew up very close to my parents, sister, and grandparents, and I'm still extremely close to them. In some ways, despite living 1000 miles away from them, I'm closer to them than ever before. I feel bad sometimes for moving away to Michigan and then California to pursue my so called "dreams". I feels selfish. And, at the very core of it, it is selfish. But, thank God, they understand better than anyone that I would be unhappy if I weren't out trying to make something more of my life. I have the most unbelievable family in the world! I really do :)

But because I'm away from them, there's a huge hole in my life. Family are the people that you can go to for help, for comfort, to laugh with, to cry with. Living in LA, I'm on my own.

Ok, that's not 100% true. In fact, that's what this blog is about. I have been blessed with a sort of surrogate family out here: The Trerise family. I can't tell you how much of a blessing they are in my life. Tonight, as I drove home from hanging out with them, I started tearing up. Not because I miss my family like crazy (which is totally true), not because I do feel very lonely out here sometimes (which tends to happen from time to time), but because I am so incredibly thankful for the Trerise's! Who knew that when I met Benton at Ecola Bible School almost 3 years ago that I would grow as close to him and his family as I am with my own family. Careth is like a second mom to me, Tim is like a second father to me, Judy is like a third grandmother to me, Tiffany is like a second sister, and Ryan is like the brother I never had. I would do anything for this family (including hours of wedding prep, which has happened a lot recently).

I am so incredibly thankful for where God has put me in this life. He's allowed me to move to Hollywood, given me a job, and has taken care of my needs, down to the detail of needing a type of family to lean on and to retreat to and hang out with when I need a safe place to go and rest. I look at my life, past and present, and I am amazed that I doubt God's provision for me at all. I mean really! How dare I not trust Him! Where He has brought me from and where He has brought me to is an incredible story of provision! God has got this! He's in complete control of life, the universe, and everything! How dare any of us question His ways. So many question God, asking 'how can He allow this of that?' He's God. Nothing can exist without him, even scientifically speaking. God is good. I'm so glad He's opened my heart to Him so I can experience His love on a personal level. You can have that too!

John 3:16- For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, so that whoever believes in Him will have everlasting life.

God loves you so much that He sacrificed Himself so that you could experience His love and look forward to spending eternity with Him. How awesome is that? I cannot even comprehend that. He's the best Father ever :)

'Merica

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a confession to make. Through my life, I've been very passive about my feelings for the country I live in, which for you random foreign readers, is the USA. I can't explain why. I mean, we are raised to love our country, and I certainly have the family background for it. One of my grandpa's was a career Navy man, and the other fought in the Army during the Korean War. My Dad applied to be in the Air Force, but was rejected due to eye sight issues (if I remember right). All throughout growing up, you say the Pledge of Allegiance day after day in elementary school, placing your hand over your heart, look a the American flag, and pledge yourself to the country. But I still never felt overly pledged to this country, not in my mind. And then, as I grew older, I started to see the screwed up way our country is governed. I grew up in a household during the Afghan and Iraqi Wars that would watch the news during dinner, usually ending with my Dad exclaiming "ARE THEY STUPID??" whenever George Bush spoke or did anything of any kind. Through my experiences growing up with parents that didn't ascribe to either Democrat or Republican, it really helped me come into my own research and thinking on anything having to do with politics. I think both sides aren't very good at their jobs. I think both sides can be right. But both sides can be VERY wrong ALL THE TIME. And then during SMT, the pastor who spoke at one of our camps wouldn't say the Pledge of Allegiance because he had "already pledged his life to Jesus", which got me thinking about how uncomfortable I always have been with it. And honestly, I haven't said the Pledge since then, just because I don't feel comfortable doing so. I'm not anti-American in any way, I just love Jesus WAYYYY more than this country. And countries aren't perfect. I mean, really, look at this place! Nowhere near a perfect entity that I'd want to pledge my heart and soul to.

Anyways, that was my life. The 4th of July was my sister's birthday. Yay, our country was created and we were free and there are fireworks, and for us, CAKE! I didn't get it. It was just how life was. Nothing more.

It wasn't until I moved to Southern California and started living truly on my own that it really clicked! I would go to work and realize "Man.. we can do ANYTHING in this country!" Do you know how trivial and stupid a career in film is? We shouldn't get paid for this! It's ridiculous! And yet, here I am, pursuing my dream because it's my right to do so. How awesome is that?!

So yes, this was the first 4th of July that I was truly thankful for living in the United States of America. We are truly blessed! Yes, I do think our time is coming. Every great empire falls eventually, and we are no different. But for now, I get to take advantage of this freedom and hopefully build a career, and a better world!

America is great. It really is. There is other place I'd rather live! But I am thankful for the perspective I have on it. I owe the majority of that to my father. Thanks, Dad :)

Past and Future.

Well, apparently I'm not going to bed as soon as I thought, as it's currently 2:30am. I got caught up in looking through old pictures, videos, notes, and statuses on Facebook tonight. It's incredible how much I have changed in just the last 2 to 3 years. 3 years ago, I had just graduated from high school, was working a summer job picking berries, and dating the only serious girlfriend I have ever had (before that or since then). 1 year ago, I was in the middle of producing Timeless, my thesis short film at Compass. 2 years ago, I was in the middle of Summer Ministry Team and was on my last day being a counselor at Lake Retreat in Washington, about to move on to Newport, Washington where I would meet my dear friends, the Fountain Family.

I'll be honest, I miss the past. It was so much simpler in so many ways. Now I have to worry about bills and surviving month to month, wondering if I will ever really make it in this crazy town of Hollywood. The past is safer, because I know how it ends. The future is scary. I don't know what's out there. I could end up jobless, dreamless, broke, and alone for all I know. Or I could be extremely successful, have everything I've ever dreamed, and effect people's lives. Or I could have a status quo job, with a wife, 2 kids, and a mortgage. Who knows! It could go so many different ways.

As previously posted, I've been slowly coming out of a fog. I've just been going, going, going without much outside thoughts on my life. But certain events have changed that recently, causing me to really look and think about where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going, and where I want to go for that matter. And again, it could go so many different ways. I hope and pray for my future all the time right now. I'm stuck in this in between stage of life, right after school, and right before success. It's irritating really, having to wait it out, to see what God has in store. But that's my life. This stage has come quicker to me than most of my peers. Most of my peers have either settled into their dead end job or are still in college, trying to figure out what the hell to do next. But for me, figuring out what is going on has been slammed on the table right in front of me. All I have to do is keep chugging along. If God wants me to get a big break, that's His prerogative. It's not on my shoulders to find my shot at the big leagues. That's not my responsibility. My responsibility is to be ready if it does come, and when it does, knock it out of the park with the skills that I have been building up for the last 22 years of my life.

So I will keep praying, keep working, and keep going, because God has big things in store for me. I just have to remember to trust that He knows how big of a thing I can handle. And if it is a small big thing, I can't be disappointed, but instead be the best steward of that gift I can possibly be.