As you know if you know me well or read this blog, this year has been an incredibly huge time of growing for me. As time goes on, I seem to be opening my mind up to more and more things, ideas, and views on life. When you grow up as a Christian, it's easy to become very closed minded about things that are wrong or evil. I know, that sounds weird and you're probably thinking "Well duh! If something's wrong or evil, I want nothing to do with even the idea of it!" But let me give you the context of what I'm thinking about.
Growing up, I had a fear of the dark. I had a fear of evil things. I had a fear that things could come out of my closet and take me away. As children, I think it's safe to say that most people, if not all, have fears like this. As we grow up, we lose those fears, not because we grow stronger against them, but because we stop believing in them at all. Yet, when we attend church, we talk about the Devil and his demons who are constantly after us to give us doubts about God and to make us stumble and sin. So why doesn't the idea of that scare us? We can say that it's because God is in control and that we can take heart that He is protecting us. And that's true, but what I think is more true is that we just don't think that that stuff is really a threat to us. Why? It's not like we don't experience demons on a daily basis! We all have felt those little voices that push us into sinning. So again, why? It's because it doesn't feel any different than normal. We're used to it, just like how we can become lukewarm Christians (Rev. 3:16) when we don't have an active and healthy knowledge of the presence of God in our lives. I believe that it's just as unhealthy to not acknowledge the presence of spiritual evil in this world as to not acknowledge the presence of spiritual good.
So, you ask, where is all of these ideas coming from? The answer is a TV show (go figure). I know, I know... I'm a nerd, but bare with me. Growing up, I came to believe that it was a really bad idea to engage in watching certain movies and TV shows, because they invite evil ideas into your mind and home. And, to a large extent, I still believe that. For example, I will never watch "The Exorcism" because of all of the real life spiritual things that surrounded the movie. Last year while at Bible school, I was told by my good friend Jordan Preston that the show 'Supernatural' was really really good. So I took a look at it. Sadly, I had to watch pirated versions, which sucked. But by the end of the first season, I didn't feel comfortable watching the show, as it's all about two brothers who fight urban legends and demons, which didn't make me feel comfortable. So I stopped.
Fast forward to this year. I have grown a lot, both mentally and spiritually. After going to LA and meeting with Director Scott Derrickson, I decided to watch 'The Exorcism of Emily Rose'. That movie, while not fantastic, had some really good plot points. 'Emily Rose' wasn't a horror movie about exorcisms, it was a movie about the fact that exorcisms are a reality, because it is about a case of real demon possession. There's a great quote in the movie about how it's not that demon possession doesn't happen anymore, its that the western world has chosen not to see it and tries to dismiss the cases as scientific and not spiritual, which is so true. This movie opened me up to the idea of watching 'Supernatural' again, so I gave it a shot.
Concerning the show itself, HOLY COW. The show is so amazingly shot and does such an amazing job with the story of the two brothers who fight evil. On the Behind the Scenes, the creators say that while they fight things every week, but the show is really about the relationship of the Winchester family. This show really is a gem in the TV show realm.
Anyway, going back to the spiritual side of the show. I truely believe that I wasn't ready to take on the spiritual thought that has come with this show last year. I've been out in the world, outside the bubble of home and Bible school. But I was ready for this show this year, to take it as new perspective instead of just some show about demons. In fact, I'm sure that my parents wouldn't be comfortable with me watching the show in their home, just because of the content being about demons and elements of horror. My parents would ask me "Do you really want this stuff in your brain?" And before this year, I honestly know that the answer would be no, but this year, I know I'm ready to realize what evil is in this world. Plus on top of that, I love a well done story as a film maker.
This show has really opened my mind up to being able to recognize the presence of evil in this world. All of the evil things they fight have either a rooting in Biblical text or legends that all have nuggets of truth in them. And I think it's a good thing, as I said before, to be able to recognize that there are things in this world that happen that you can't explain. All the legends we have, all of the stories about evil has root somewhere. I don't want to give anything away about the plot for those of you who haven't seen it, but there are so many episodes that deal with evil in a way which, while probably not 100% accurate because it's a TV drama, it really opens up your mind to realizing that many of these stories have nuggets of fact in them. Stories of hauntings, stories of possession, stories of selling your soul to the Devil. There are stories that deal with these things in almost every culture across the world and that's hard to ignore.
So what do you do with this information? Take it, use it, make sure you are growing close to God, because God is your protector. He has the ability to vanquish all evil that wants to stand in your way. Don't test the supernatural or evil that is out there; it's real. And while you probably aren't out hunting a demon who killed your mother, we as Christians are the main target of the Devil. He wants nothing more than to immobilize us so that we are not effective for God's Kingdom.
So, my brothers and sisters, "Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love." Ooh-rah.
1 Corinthians 16: 13-14
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Saturday, May 26, 2012
I Don't Know Anything.
It's weird to look back to the beginning of this blog, to see how much I've changed in just 8 short months, and to think that my life is about to radically change once again in about 3 months.
I came here to Michigan, to film school, thinking that I had a handle on life, thinking that since I had been through a year of Bible school, I knew quite a bit about what I life is about, that I knew where my life was going and what it was about. But after 8 months of growing up, I sit here and type all of this out to tell you all one thing:
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
I thought I did. I really did. I got to go through one of the best Bible programs in the country and made friends with some of the best people I've ever known. I got to know the Bible pretty well, and I thought I had finally had the means to become a "good Christian person". HA. The very reason we need Christ is because we aren't good people, because we are SINNERS, because we turn our back on God constantly. Now, I'm not saying that we are destined to stay that way once be decide to follow Christ. Not at all. The second step to following Christ is to allow (yes, allow) God to start changing us on the inside out. All my life, I felt like a good person. I felt that I was doing well and that being a Christian was just logical. Who wouldn't want to be friends with the Creator of the universe? That's what I thought it was all about. you read your Bible, you pray, you go to church. It felt like there was a formula and I was following it well. But it always felt empty. I didn't understand why, but it did. When I went to Ecola, something clicked. God took me by the hand and lead me towards where He wants my relationship to be with Him. Slowly, over the course of those 7 months, He showed me things about Himself, about who He is, about what He wants us to be. And I rode that high, that feeling that God was physically with me all the time, that He wants me to walk with Him daily, that there was no way that I would possibly leave His side.
Then this year hit. Right out of the summer, I felt good. I was still riding the high, still loving God all the time, still wanting to constantly walk with Him. Then school hit. I got busy, distracted. It was easier to watch movies on my down time than to study the Bible or pray. I felt lonely, like I had nobody. I fought with impurity and swearing, and all of the things that entrapped me before Ecola, and even some things that still entrapped me while I was there. I prayed as much as could, but God felt distant, like He didn't want to be with me in Michigan. I had to constantly remind myself that God doesn't leave us, its us who shift our focus from Him.
And I still struggle with all that to an extent, actually to a very large extent. This life is hard. As Christians, we seem to think that our life will be roses and puppies, but it won't. We have chosen a path that is hard, a path that challenges us, a path that is not of this earth. God uses all the times and circumstances to teach us and grow us into the men and women we are destined to be. We may not be able to see what it all means for us right now, but it's building to something huge, whether that thing happens here in our lifetime, or in heaven.
I've also learned that I really don't know anything about myself.
Every time I think I know who I am, I am disproven. This year has been a big time of learning about the ins and outs of how the human brain works, how my brain works. What turns me on, what puts me off, what makes me who I am. And it's a hard experience. It's tough learning about how corrupt you are. If last year was about learning about God and His incredible grace, this year has been about learning where He applies it. And boy does He apply it. We took a test this week in a class about how ethical we think we are. And it was hard because I know where I want to be, but I also know where I actually am, so I gave myself a rough score. Yet, I was thought of by some as one of the most ethical people in the class. That's hard to hear in many ways because I know who I am deep inside, and it sure as heck isn't ethical at all. I know how much work I have to do, how much pain and fire I will have to go through in my lifetime, because I am a sinful man, I am a corrupt man. God has plenty of work to do in me before I'm ready to stand before His Throne.
And then there's film itself.
I really don't know anything about film. We grow up, we see a lot of movies, we read a lot of books. As we get older, we seem to think we know about films and the way they should or should not be made, and we get upset when a movie is terrible or when the right movies aren't made. The whole industry looks manipulated and we are forced to go see things we don't want to see. I am here to tell you that that is all wrong. We don't know how Hollywood works. We don't know what makes a good movie or not. Hollywood is there to make money, pure and simple. And the reason most films get made is because of money. Its all based on whether something will make money or not. I've learned this year that I know nothing about how it all works. And I still don't. I know nothing about Producing, about film, about people. I still have a long journey ahead of me.
I've also learned that the film industry is really really weird. It's such an off the wall industry. Most of the time, I don't even know why it exists. But people want an escape. People don't like the real world. That's why there's film. People want a way not to think about their life. They want their lives to be more exciting than they actually are. So we watch sexy stars save the world and get the girl, because deep inside, that's what we all want.
This all probably seems like I'm lost. Maybe I am. In some ways, it's true. But I think that these are the times that God needs me to go though. These are some of the things God wants me to understand before I go off into the real world next August.
And since God's behind all of it, good. I'd have it no other way.
I came here to Michigan, to film school, thinking that I had a handle on life, thinking that since I had been through a year of Bible school, I knew quite a bit about what I life is about, that I knew where my life was going and what it was about. But after 8 months of growing up, I sit here and type all of this out to tell you all one thing:
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
I thought I did. I really did. I got to go through one of the best Bible programs in the country and made friends with some of the best people I've ever known. I got to know the Bible pretty well, and I thought I had finally had the means to become a "good Christian person". HA. The very reason we need Christ is because we aren't good people, because we are SINNERS, because we turn our back on God constantly. Now, I'm not saying that we are destined to stay that way once be decide to follow Christ. Not at all. The second step to following Christ is to allow (yes, allow) God to start changing us on the inside out. All my life, I felt like a good person. I felt that I was doing well and that being a Christian was just logical. Who wouldn't want to be friends with the Creator of the universe? That's what I thought it was all about. you read your Bible, you pray, you go to church. It felt like there was a formula and I was following it well. But it always felt empty. I didn't understand why, but it did. When I went to Ecola, something clicked. God took me by the hand and lead me towards where He wants my relationship to be with Him. Slowly, over the course of those 7 months, He showed me things about Himself, about who He is, about what He wants us to be. And I rode that high, that feeling that God was physically with me all the time, that He wants me to walk with Him daily, that there was no way that I would possibly leave His side.
Then this year hit. Right out of the summer, I felt good. I was still riding the high, still loving God all the time, still wanting to constantly walk with Him. Then school hit. I got busy, distracted. It was easier to watch movies on my down time than to study the Bible or pray. I felt lonely, like I had nobody. I fought with impurity and swearing, and all of the things that entrapped me before Ecola, and even some things that still entrapped me while I was there. I prayed as much as could, but God felt distant, like He didn't want to be with me in Michigan. I had to constantly remind myself that God doesn't leave us, its us who shift our focus from Him.
And I still struggle with all that to an extent, actually to a very large extent. This life is hard. As Christians, we seem to think that our life will be roses and puppies, but it won't. We have chosen a path that is hard, a path that challenges us, a path that is not of this earth. God uses all the times and circumstances to teach us and grow us into the men and women we are destined to be. We may not be able to see what it all means for us right now, but it's building to something huge, whether that thing happens here in our lifetime, or in heaven.
I've also learned that I really don't know anything about myself.
Every time I think I know who I am, I am disproven. This year has been a big time of learning about the ins and outs of how the human brain works, how my brain works. What turns me on, what puts me off, what makes me who I am. And it's a hard experience. It's tough learning about how corrupt you are. If last year was about learning about God and His incredible grace, this year has been about learning where He applies it. And boy does He apply it. We took a test this week in a class about how ethical we think we are. And it was hard because I know where I want to be, but I also know where I actually am, so I gave myself a rough score. Yet, I was thought of by some as one of the most ethical people in the class. That's hard to hear in many ways because I know who I am deep inside, and it sure as heck isn't ethical at all. I know how much work I have to do, how much pain and fire I will have to go through in my lifetime, because I am a sinful man, I am a corrupt man. God has plenty of work to do in me before I'm ready to stand before His Throne.
And then there's film itself.
I really don't know anything about film. We grow up, we see a lot of movies, we read a lot of books. As we get older, we seem to think we know about films and the way they should or should not be made, and we get upset when a movie is terrible or when the right movies aren't made. The whole industry looks manipulated and we are forced to go see things we don't want to see. I am here to tell you that that is all wrong. We don't know how Hollywood works. We don't know what makes a good movie or not. Hollywood is there to make money, pure and simple. And the reason most films get made is because of money. Its all based on whether something will make money or not. I've learned this year that I know nothing about how it all works. And I still don't. I know nothing about Producing, about film, about people. I still have a long journey ahead of me.
I've also learned that the film industry is really really weird. It's such an off the wall industry. Most of the time, I don't even know why it exists. But people want an escape. People don't like the real world. That's why there's film. People want a way not to think about their life. They want their lives to be more exciting than they actually are. So we watch sexy stars save the world and get the girl, because deep inside, that's what we all want.
This all probably seems like I'm lost. Maybe I am. In some ways, it's true. But I think that these are the times that God needs me to go though. These are some of the things God wants me to understand before I go off into the real world next August.
And since God's behind all of it, good. I'd have it no other way.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Home?
Home. I've been thinking a lot about what that means this year. It's a strange term. The dictionary definition of 'home' is "the place where one lives permanently." However, in this day and age, we seem to ascribe a deeper meaning to it, making it a word that describes how we feel about a place more than actually what it is.
When we grow up, the majority of people grow up in a home of some sort, a place where, at least in my experience, I felt comfortable. It was a place where I felt safe. It was a place I could go out into the backyard and pretend to be a Jedi, or where I could go into my room and cry, or where I could sit down at the dinner table and eat a delicious meal made by my loving mother. It was also a place where I would be disciplined if I did wrong, a place I knew that if I screwed up, I would be set right, even if there was pain involved. When you get into your teenage years, most want nothing more than to get out on their own, to set out and forge a new path away from their family. And so, after 18 years, I did just that.
My next adventure was moving an hour away and living in a small beach town called Cannon Beach, where I attended a small Bible school called Ecola. I packed up what I needed and set out to be my own man. Well, it turns out that being only an hour away from home hardly counts as being my own man. However, I did find a whole new family down there at the beach, a place where i could call home. Being able to be in a place where 120 other people loved Jesus as much as I do, and learning and growing in the Word for 7 straight months, its an experience that few people get to experience. So many people don't like to go to church because it's boring, or feels meaningless, or there is just too much drama. Sadly, these things can be true, and are true for the majority of churches. Ecola was different. Everybody loved each other, everybody wanted to see the best in others, everybody just wanted to be there worshiping God. you can't find environments like that very many places. Sure, it wasn't perfect, but it was darn near close. The closest I've ever seen or been to heaven.
Then I set out on the road for the summer with 4 of my friends to do 8 different summer camps for 8 weeks. It was exhausting, but I felt at home with my dear brother and sisters. We never stayed in one place for longer than a week straight, but I still felt that that van in some ways was a home in itself.
Then came this year. This year I've been in Michigan going to Compass College. I've been making films and learning tons. In fact, this is the longest I've lived in the same place since the summer after high school. Yet, I don't feel at home. I've always felt restless here. I've been trying to figure out why for the last 9 months.
And then, this morning, it hit me.
When I lived in my home town, I had my family to shelter me when times got tough. When I lived in Cannon Beach, I had the option of going to virtually an entire 120 student school to shelter me when times got tough. And during last summer, times were tough for 8 weeks, but I had my teammates to lean upon. But here.. here I don't really have anyone to lean upon incredibly. I have friends I can talk to, but I, being an introvert, either need time to myself or time with people I love to fill up my batteries. I've had people like that all my life, people I could go to to feel better or just to rest with. But this year, I don't have anyone around to fill me up. Everyone around me drains me. And that sucks. It's really no way to live. In fact, in the long run, it's a horrible way to live.
So where is home for me now? Honestly, I'm not sure. When I've gone home the couple times I have this year, it's been nice. I've definitely been filled up by being with family again. But it's still not the same as it once was. Just like my life has gone on, so has theirs. But that's life, right? And I did get to go back to Ecola for a day, and it was amazing. I tear up just thinking about being with those wonderful people again. But it was also different. They had grown up a year more, just as I had. They were on their way out to start their real lives, just as I had done a year before. So it was also different. Though the people had so much love, the town was still felt to small for me, like I needed to use all of my potencial elsewhere.
So where is home for me now? Honestly, I'm still not sure. Home will be a place where I am loved and won't be drained by those people. Home might be a new group of friends I find when I move back west. Or maybe I have to wait until I find my wife to find a home again.
Only God knows.
I take comfort in knowing I was created by a God who loves me enough to die for me, and then follow up constantly on how I'm doing, giving and taking away the whole time. I know that all of these things I go through, all of the hard times, all of the confusing times, all of the good times, all of the reunions, I know that all of these things have a purpose. They are all building me into a man, the man I originally set out to be 19 months ago.
When we grow up, the majority of people grow up in a home of some sort, a place where, at least in my experience, I felt comfortable. It was a place where I felt safe. It was a place I could go out into the backyard and pretend to be a Jedi, or where I could go into my room and cry, or where I could sit down at the dinner table and eat a delicious meal made by my loving mother. It was also a place where I would be disciplined if I did wrong, a place I knew that if I screwed up, I would be set right, even if there was pain involved. When you get into your teenage years, most want nothing more than to get out on their own, to set out and forge a new path away from their family. And so, after 18 years, I did just that.
My next adventure was moving an hour away and living in a small beach town called Cannon Beach, where I attended a small Bible school called Ecola. I packed up what I needed and set out to be my own man. Well, it turns out that being only an hour away from home hardly counts as being my own man. However, I did find a whole new family down there at the beach, a place where i could call home. Being able to be in a place where 120 other people loved Jesus as much as I do, and learning and growing in the Word for 7 straight months, its an experience that few people get to experience. So many people don't like to go to church because it's boring, or feels meaningless, or there is just too much drama. Sadly, these things can be true, and are true for the majority of churches. Ecola was different. Everybody loved each other, everybody wanted to see the best in others, everybody just wanted to be there worshiping God. you can't find environments like that very many places. Sure, it wasn't perfect, but it was darn near close. The closest I've ever seen or been to heaven.
Then I set out on the road for the summer with 4 of my friends to do 8 different summer camps for 8 weeks. It was exhausting, but I felt at home with my dear brother and sisters. We never stayed in one place for longer than a week straight, but I still felt that that van in some ways was a home in itself.
Then came this year. This year I've been in Michigan going to Compass College. I've been making films and learning tons. In fact, this is the longest I've lived in the same place since the summer after high school. Yet, I don't feel at home. I've always felt restless here. I've been trying to figure out why for the last 9 months.
And then, this morning, it hit me.
When I lived in my home town, I had my family to shelter me when times got tough. When I lived in Cannon Beach, I had the option of going to virtually an entire 120 student school to shelter me when times got tough. And during last summer, times were tough for 8 weeks, but I had my teammates to lean upon. But here.. here I don't really have anyone to lean upon incredibly. I have friends I can talk to, but I, being an introvert, either need time to myself or time with people I love to fill up my batteries. I've had people like that all my life, people I could go to to feel better or just to rest with. But this year, I don't have anyone around to fill me up. Everyone around me drains me. And that sucks. It's really no way to live. In fact, in the long run, it's a horrible way to live.
So where is home for me now? Honestly, I'm not sure. When I've gone home the couple times I have this year, it's been nice. I've definitely been filled up by being with family again. But it's still not the same as it once was. Just like my life has gone on, so has theirs. But that's life, right? And I did get to go back to Ecola for a day, and it was amazing. I tear up just thinking about being with those wonderful people again. But it was also different. They had grown up a year more, just as I had. They were on their way out to start their real lives, just as I had done a year before. So it was also different. Though the people had so much love, the town was still felt to small for me, like I needed to use all of my potencial elsewhere.
So where is home for me now? Honestly, I'm still not sure. Home will be a place where I am loved and won't be drained by those people. Home might be a new group of friends I find when I move back west. Or maybe I have to wait until I find my wife to find a home again.
Only God knows.
I take comfort in knowing I was created by a God who loves me enough to die for me, and then follow up constantly on how I'm doing, giving and taking away the whole time. I know that all of these things I go through, all of the hard times, all of the confusing times, all of the good times, all of the reunions, I know that all of these things have a purpose. They are all building me into a man, the man I originally set out to be 19 months ago.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Whirlwind of Untitled Emotions
I set out to write a blog about how I feel about life right now, but I'm not sure how to do that right off, mostly because I don't know how to describe it. So here goes a try at it....
Wow. This week has possibly been the craziest week of my life. This was the week that I went to LA with Compass College students and teachers to meet people in the industry, visit studios, and get a feel for what life really is like in Hollywood. And quite frankly, without this trip, I really think I would have been completely lost in the process of moving, settling in, and getting internships and jobs. The wisdom and the knowledge we have acquired on this trip is completely invaluable, and all of it will be applied to what I do and how I do things when I move to LA next August. It also was a crazy emotion trip. Arriving in LAX, feeling the warm dry air. Ahh. It was magical. It felt like I was ready to go conquer the world. The first 3 full days were very encouraging, full of hope for the future, full of "you can do it"s. The 4rd full day was the day of "Ohh shoot... what am I doing...". And the last day was another high day. Plus there was the flying time, late nights (with a body that wouldn't adjust it's clock), and lots of time with the same people. So there was lots of tiredness and emotions running, at least through me. But all in all, it was an amazing trip to LA. Even though I probably was a "tourist", I didn't feel like one. I felt as if I was actually getting stuff done, doing business, which I was by making little connections here and there. And to top it all off, I was able to spend an evening with my best friend who lives in LA, which was so wonderful!
So, while the rest of the group flew back to Grand Rapids, I flew home to Oregon for a couple nights, just to see family and what few friends I could make time for. This is when the real emotions set in. I was able to see my family, talk with them a bit about life, even though its not much because they are all busy and tired, and I am tired. It's a weird moment when you sit back and realize you're leading a completely different life from your family, that they don't understand the inside jokes, that they don't completely connect on the same level you used to with them. Then came the second wave of emotions. I was able to drive down to Cannon Beach and see some of my old classmates from last year, people I haven't seen in a year. People I've loved, people I've held, people I've grown with. Guys I've spent almost 7 months straight with, guys I've been able to talk late into the night with, guys I've learned with. Girls I've gotten to know on a more deeper level than any other girls I've known, girls I've learned with, even girls I've had crushes on! I was able to see some of the most best friends I've ever had. I was able to go back and be with the people I feel most at home with outside of my own family. I was able to walk on the beach with my friends. I was able to go tanning with my best friend. I was able to joke around with people who knew me better than anyone else. I was able to hang out with a whole group of people that love Jesus as much as I do, or more. I felt so comfortable, so at peace. And this was despite being somewhat of an outsider, as I've been gone from the Ecola bubble for an entire year, and they all have deepened those relationships that were started last year.
So I sit here in my parents house, thinking about all that has transpired, weeping because I've forgotten how much I've missed that world. These last months, I've forced those feelings of attachment out of my mind and heart, because I can't afford to keep them. It's too much stress, it's too much emotion to remember and long for it. But I can't do that anymore. Now I know that they are still there, lying dormant, ready to erupt out again. But I can't allow them to become powerful enough to slow me down as I go through life, longing for the "good old days". I have to see them as apart of me, apart of what made me who I am. Because that's just what Ecola was: It was my first step into a larger world. Compass is my second step. And so forth.
At the end of the day, my problem is right now, I feel lost. I look at my life and I don't know what's going on, but yet I do know. Last year, I went to Ecola Bible School. Last summer, I was on Ecola's summer ministry camp team. Now I'm in Grand Rapids going to a film school. A few months from now, I'll be moving to LA. And that's what I know. God is building me through experiences and teaching me to trust Him. Now I need to trust Him. I need to get into His Word. I need to pray. I can't let the excuse of "but it's hard not being a Bible school" stop me from pursuing Christ with everything I am, which when it comes down to it, I haven't. The Devil has been beating me down, and I've let it happen. I haven't been actively fighting the battles against him.
So pray for me. I need it. I need to be close to the Lord again, because I need Him and I miss Him.
Wow. This week has possibly been the craziest week of my life. This was the week that I went to LA with Compass College students and teachers to meet people in the industry, visit studios, and get a feel for what life really is like in Hollywood. And quite frankly, without this trip, I really think I would have been completely lost in the process of moving, settling in, and getting internships and jobs. The wisdom and the knowledge we have acquired on this trip is completely invaluable, and all of it will be applied to what I do and how I do things when I move to LA next August. It also was a crazy emotion trip. Arriving in LAX, feeling the warm dry air. Ahh. It was magical. It felt like I was ready to go conquer the world. The first 3 full days were very encouraging, full of hope for the future, full of "you can do it"s. The 4rd full day was the day of "Ohh shoot... what am I doing...". And the last day was another high day. Plus there was the flying time, late nights (with a body that wouldn't adjust it's clock), and lots of time with the same people. So there was lots of tiredness and emotions running, at least through me. But all in all, it was an amazing trip to LA. Even though I probably was a "tourist", I didn't feel like one. I felt as if I was actually getting stuff done, doing business, which I was by making little connections here and there. And to top it all off, I was able to spend an evening with my best friend who lives in LA, which was so wonderful!
So, while the rest of the group flew back to Grand Rapids, I flew home to Oregon for a couple nights, just to see family and what few friends I could make time for. This is when the real emotions set in. I was able to see my family, talk with them a bit about life, even though its not much because they are all busy and tired, and I am tired. It's a weird moment when you sit back and realize you're leading a completely different life from your family, that they don't understand the inside jokes, that they don't completely connect on the same level you used to with them. Then came the second wave of emotions. I was able to drive down to Cannon Beach and see some of my old classmates from last year, people I haven't seen in a year. People I've loved, people I've held, people I've grown with. Guys I've spent almost 7 months straight with, guys I've been able to talk late into the night with, guys I've learned with. Girls I've gotten to know on a more deeper level than any other girls I've known, girls I've learned with, even girls I've had crushes on! I was able to see some of the most best friends I've ever had. I was able to go back and be with the people I feel most at home with outside of my own family. I was able to walk on the beach with my friends. I was able to go tanning with my best friend. I was able to joke around with people who knew me better than anyone else. I was able to hang out with a whole group of people that love Jesus as much as I do, or more. I felt so comfortable, so at peace. And this was despite being somewhat of an outsider, as I've been gone from the Ecola bubble for an entire year, and they all have deepened those relationships that were started last year.
So I sit here in my parents house, thinking about all that has transpired, weeping because I've forgotten how much I've missed that world. These last months, I've forced those feelings of attachment out of my mind and heart, because I can't afford to keep them. It's too much stress, it's too much emotion to remember and long for it. But I can't do that anymore. Now I know that they are still there, lying dormant, ready to erupt out again. But I can't allow them to become powerful enough to slow me down as I go through life, longing for the "good old days". I have to see them as apart of me, apart of what made me who I am. Because that's just what Ecola was: It was my first step into a larger world. Compass is my second step. And so forth.
At the end of the day, my problem is right now, I feel lost. I look at my life and I don't know what's going on, but yet I do know. Last year, I went to Ecola Bible School. Last summer, I was on Ecola's summer ministry camp team. Now I'm in Grand Rapids going to a film school. A few months from now, I'll be moving to LA. And that's what I know. God is building me through experiences and teaching me to trust Him. Now I need to trust Him. I need to get into His Word. I need to pray. I can't let the excuse of "but it's hard not being a Bible school" stop me from pursuing Christ with everything I am, which when it comes down to it, I haven't. The Devil has been beating me down, and I've let it happen. I haven't been actively fighting the battles against him.
So pray for me. I need it. I need to be close to the Lord again, because I need Him and I miss Him.
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