Crazy.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy. I've posted on Facebook before that the reason I will be successful in life is because I'm crazy enough to think I can be. As this crazy journey continues, I find this statement to be more and more true. Currently, I'm am heading into my last month of interning at Pop2Life, I've been working gigs off and on, and I am living out of a hotel in Van Nuys. It's a cheap hotel, so we can afford it. Side effects of staying here include: sketchy wifi, creepy hallways, and prostitutes everywhere. But it's not horrible. I really don't have anything to complain about.

But I have no idea what direction my life is or even is supposed to head in. So far, all I know is that I'm learning a ton of things and that it is all leading to something, I just don't know what exactly. The skills I am slowly learning are way too specific to not think there is a guiding force behind it, so I'm really excited to see where it all leads. But what I do know is that I need to be doing the very best I can at what I'm doing now and ask a ton of questions. That will be the key. That, and meeting as many people as possible. And I think I'm doing all three of those things. And I hope I'm doing them well.

Something else I've noticed about my crazy life: The events that have transpired in the last year have changed me greatly from who I was just a year ago. I've grown up, I've learned hard lessons, I take life more seriously, I'm more cynical, I think more deeply about things, and I'm bold enough to do things I never thought I'd have the balls to do. But through all of those things, I also realize that I still know next to nothing about anything. And that I really don't have any control over mostly anything, but what I do have control over is how hard I work.

Entertainment is a crazy industry to get into. It is literally all about giving people a high and making them feel as good as possible for the short amount of time that they let you. Honestly, I've never understood it completely. People will pay so much money just to feel good for a few hours. I do it, you do it, we all do it! And sometimes, it's hard to decide what the point of it all is. But that's the point: What you do with your life has meaning, no matter what you are doing. Whether its a bad or good meaning, it still has meaning, especially when you've specifically handed it all over to God and asked Him to take care of it and guide it. I want to live a life of meaning, but not just of meaning, of good meaning. I want to take the skills I'm learning and apply it to what I do with my life, no matter what that turns out to be.

I need to learn to have focus. Right now, I feel like I'm just floating. I'm very much living in the moment these days, which is hard not to do when you don't know what you'll be doing or where you'll be in a week. But the problem with needing to focus is I need something to focus on in the future, which I also don't have right now. So I guess I'll keep floating along and see what is going to happen. Which, really, is crazy. But thats what I am: Crazy. And it's something that I will just have to get used to. Which, in all seriousness, I guess I've gotten used to being the last 21 years anyways, so... Bring on the craziness!

New.

Well I finally did it. I moved to Los Angeles. Yep.

It's really hard to put how I feel into words. I feel a new sense of freedom. I have a new outlook on life. When I lived in Michigan, I felt trapped there. Now that I'm in LA, I feel as if anything is possible. Everything is new, fresh. It's as if the whole "Wagons West!" mentality has taken over and I'm starting my new life in the wild west, where anything is possible. It's the new frontier. It's the land where you have to play close to the chest in order to progress to where you want to be in 10 or 20 years, yet its also a place of freedom because no one climbs the ladder of success the same way as everyone else out here. I start my internship soon. Who knows what possibilities that will open up. Out here, it's all about who you know. Once I get a car of my own, I plan to start setting up meetings with as many people and connections that I have as possible. It's all about connections in this business, and I plan to have as many as I can get.

Its also great to be back in a place where I feel I know people. I know that's stupid, considering I know only one family out here, but I already feel more connected here than I did in Michigan. Maybe it's because I'm back with my best friend and his family, or maybe it's because I connect more deeply with the west coast view of life. I don't know, but I finally feel that I'm closer to home than I've felt in a year. I feel like I'm getting closer to the life I'm meant to have, the life that God wants me to embrace Him in. And, sure I'm not sure of the details of what that life is. All I know is I'm here and God wouldn't allow me to be here if He didn't want me here. And here I am, getting things done, getting set up, and growing up little by little even everyday. I get to hang out with my best friend, who clearly knows a lot more about little details than I do when it comes to basic living situations, which seems to come from the wisdom of his dad, who knows so much. I truly was guided here to this household to begin my journey in LA. I see the hand of God stretching from this point all the way back to when I walked into Benton's dorm room at the beginning of Ecola to see if he has a printer I could use.

Now, no new life experience story would be complete without a potencial love interest. This is the part you think "John? Likes a girl in LA already? Noooo...", all this thought with a sarcastic inner voice of course. Funny enough, this is the first encounter I've had with feelings of desiring a relationship with a particular person that I've had in about a year and a half. Sure I've had small feelings of "I wonder if...", but not actual feelings of "I really want this to happen... If I can just swing it somehow...". But God, knowing what I need, has decided to make a relationship with this particular girl impossible for at least a year, which astounds me because I am infamous for diving into feelings for girls without actually getting to know them as a friend first. So God has decided to give me these feelings, which don't happen pretty much at all anymore unless she is AMAZING, as God has caused me to build up an incredibly rigid standard for who I should be with. And honestly, I don't know what to do with them. I won't just give up on them. That's stupid. This girl is too cool just to write off just because it "looks" like it would be hard to get started. So maybe I'm just a guy with a crush. But I say ehh what the heck? So I pursue her as a friend and potencial relationship, and will either discover that we are not meant to be but will have great lessons and memories come out of it, or I gain possibly the best friend I've looking for my entire life.

Either way in all these things, whether in jobs, friends, or relationships, I see blessings and lessons. Lots and lots of blessings and lessons.

The cool thing about serving God is He gives you what you need in life. And while that may not be what you want all the time, "...we know that in all things God works together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

The End of the Beginning.

When I started this blog about 11 months ago, I was just a boy with big dreams. But I was only that: a boy. Today, I'm still a boy, but I have grown up considerably. Looking back on who I was when I first got to Michigan, I barely recognize him. My thinking was so much more juvenile, so much more locked in one way of thinking. This year, through moving to a completely different part of the country and meeting people completely different in thinking from me, I've been able to form my own opinions and views on life. I'm thankful for going to Ecola last year, as without it, it would have made the process incredibly harder.

This week was the last week of film school, the last of the training I'll need for life. In 2 weeks, I'll be in Los Angeles, CA, starting my hopeful career in Hollywood. With the end of school, my roommate and I watched some of our pre-Compass projects, which of course included Preceding Duty, the project I did my senior year. It was supposed to be a prequel to the 007 film 'Casino Royal'. Watching that, plus with the new trailer for 'Skyfall' just out for the 50th year anniversary of 007, it reminded me of how I got here.

Preceding Duty was the project that really awaked me to the idea that I could actually make movies for a living. It's so much fun, and it's one of the most influential forces on earth right now. But that was back when life was simple. Looking back on high school, it was easy. Obviously in the moment, it felt like everything was crazy, but now it seems so trivial. But it's what got me here. That one project launched me into a world where anything is possible. When I got to film school, we quickly learned that it's not that simple. Films are really hard to get right! That's why there are so few really good movies out there.

I'm excited to see where all this will go. I know that God has plans for me, as my life has been much too directed to this point. I hope to make connections, do jobs, make films, and most of all, have a blast doing it! We have plans to make a few films while we do internships, so we will be busy during the next few months for sure. I hope to be able to make something theater worthy within the next 5 to 10 years, which, unless you're a prodigy, is about the normal timeline for becoming big.

I'm ready. Next week begins the next big chapter of my life. It's probably going to be difficult for a while. But I really want to get going with my life! I've made some amazing friends in the last 2 years, and I'm so excited to hang out with them and work with them.

I just want to glorify God in what I say, do, and make. I'm at a place in my life where I'm tired of Christians sitting in their living rooms and judging everyone else on the outside of the Christian faith. We have to get out there! Live and talk in such a way that God's love couldn't be any clearer! What would Jesus do? Cuz that's what I want to do. That's what I've been called to do.

Fact and Faith

This morning, I was blessed enough to get a text from a friend asking this question: "Is it ok to question the Bible? I don't mean in the sense to find the falsehoods but for a knowledge standpoint; to make sure one understands what they believe that the Bible was written by man, inspired by God... Is it wrong to question what man wrote?"

So here's what I wrote to them. I pray that it helps not only that person, but others who read it here.

"I was so blessed and excited when you texted me this morning. I've been praying for opportunities to talk to people about God, the Bible, and how awesome He is :)

I have to start out by saying that I do believe that the Bible is 100% true. To many, this may seem like blind faith, but I would very much disagree with that statement. Many say that the Bible has probably been tampered with over the the thousands of years that it has been around, but there is so much historical evidence to say otherwise. The most simple piece of evidence in support of this is the discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls. In the Caves of Qumran, original copies of Psalms, Deuteronomy, Genesis, Isaiah, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Minor Prophets, Daniel, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Job, and 1 & 2 Samuel dating back to pretty close to just after they were originally written, and they all exactly matched the Biblical texts that we have still today, which proves that the texts have not been altered of changed through the years. My favorite piece of this evidence is found in Isaiah. In the 53^rd chapter of Isaiah, the torture and death of Christ is described in detail, and it was written 700 years for before it ever happened! Now, going off of that, some say that the Gospels were written to fit the 300 prophecies written about Christ, of which the Gospels articulate that Christ fulfilled each and every one of them. People say that the writers lied about Christ to fit what they wanted him to be. But that is impossible as well. The Gospels were written only 60 or so years after Christ died, and were written from eye witness accounts. After they were written, the Gospels were sent to every church in the world. By this point in history, Christians had scattered from Israel because of persecution, therefore people who had personally experienced Christ's life were all over the world when these Gospels were sent out. And if any aspect of those Gospels had been inaccurate, those eye witnesses would have risen up and rebuked the church for spreading lies. But this didn't happen because they had witnessed all of the true events in those Gospels. Also, on top of that, the 4 Gospels had been written from 4 different aspects (two being eyewitnesses, one being a close friend of Peter the Apostle, and one being a close friend of Paul), all being written at different times in different places, and yet they all tell the same story and do not contradict each other. On top of all this, there was Paul. Paul had not been an Apostle until Jesus came to him personally on the road to Damascus, where he converted to the Christianity that he had been personally persecuting. In some of his letters in the New Testament, he articulates events that only could have been told to him by an apostle or by the Holy Spirit Himself (Example: 1 Cor. 11:17-34). On top of all this, Paul wrote those letters 20 to 30 years before the Gospels were written, putting his retelling of the events even closer to the time of Christ, which people would have called him out on if they had not been true.

Now, all of this has been proven fact, but obviously Christianity is still built on faith. (What I was trying to say with the above statements was that Christianity isn't just blind faith. There is plenty of physical evidence for believing in Christianity.) In Hebrews 11:1, it says “Now faith is the confidence in what we hope for and the assurance about what we do not see.” Also, the book of Romans is all about how we are justified by faith. When we give up and let go, trusting God and what He says in His Word, we are justified through Christ. Eternal life is a choice. I don't believe that heaven will be a place that will just be happy. It goes much deeper than that. Heaven is a place where people will want to be with God, where EVERYTHING we do, EVERYTHING we think about will be about glorifying God. The reason why God made heaven a choice is because in order to change us and purify us, we have to choose to follow Him, we have to want to be changed by him. (which then goes into the discussion of free will, etc.)

Since there is so much evidence in support of the Bible being accurate in so many places, we are able to put our faith in the parts that we don't understand, because if we can find evidence for the truth of most of the Bible, we can put our faith in the rest of it as well! 2 Timothy 3:16-17 says “All scripture in God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” So much of believing in God and His Word has to do with FAITH! Having faith that God loves us. Having faith that God really is in control. Having faith that since there is so much evidence that the Bible is true, that we can trust that the other parts that make us question are 100% true as well. Having faith that God's Word is HIS Word, that it's so important to Him that He would keep it accurate. God is God, He is all powerful and in charge of every little detail of existence, so why would it seem outlandish to think that God couldn't keep a simple little book something accurate and something that we could draw from?

I think that one of the biggest things that we can give God as a gift is to believe in His Word. To be able to believe that God is bigger than man's short fallings is a difficult thing to do, but once we are able to give up and let go of our doubt and just let God be in control, that's when His Word comes alive!

Hebrews 4:12: “For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”"

The Set of 'Timeless'

We did it! We made it through the 4 days of the filming of the thesis project that I produced, 'Timeless'! I know that only some of you know what that last sentence means, so I'm writing this to fill the rest of you in!

This year, I am attending Compass College of Cinematic Arts, a small faith based film school in Grand Rapids, MI. Through the year, I have been learning about film, the process of making them, and how to make good stories. This last third term, there are 5 final thesis films to be made. I was chosen as one of the 5 producers, which has been an incredible honor. It's nice to know that the people around me see me as responsible enough to lead a group through the making of one of those final films. We created the teams that would do the work and were sent on our way. I chose a script, later entitled 'Timeless', about a man who is accused of murdering his wife and is sent to prison. While in prison, he creates a time machine to go back to try to save her. I chose Bri Brincat as the director. She had never directed before, and she is only the second female to direct a thesis project at Compass. She has done a magnificent job  and I am so very proud of the job that she did over this last weekend of shooting!

We went into last week struggling a bit on a couple locations, but we ended up finding our last two locations the day before shooting began. We also were struggling to put together the last of the set art and props.

June 22 and 23, Day 1 and 2-
Our first 2 days took place at Ann Benoit's house, who was our Location Manager. We met at Compass in the morning and carpooled out to location. Travis Babbitt, who was my Line Producer, and I ran over to Gorilla Pictures to pick up some extra batteries for the RED Camera, which was the camera that the movie was filmed on. When we got to the location, people were ready to go. We staged all of the equipment in the garage. Travis and I set up the crafty (food) table, and everyone else set up for the jobs they were to do. Our teacher, Tom Greenberg, stayed around all day the first day to make sure that everything with the camera department and RED Camera was good, as it's a totally new piece of equipment to our school. For the most part, Travis and I were able to relax those first 2 days. Every once in a while, we needed to go get something from the store and such, but otherwise our crew and set was a well oiled machine that I'm proud to say that was so easy to manage on set! Our crafty was put together by the lovely Donna Sawyer, who made the best on set food I've had so far this year by far! We blasted through those 2 days, and though we were tired, we were all very happy to be on that set.

June 24, Day 3-
Our third day took place at Gaslight Village in East Grand Rapids. From the very first time I visited that location on the scout, I knew that I wanted our set to be there. I was ecstatic when we found out that we could shoot on their streets and store fronts. So when we got there, we set up in the parking garage. Because we were always so spread out as a crew all the time, I am so thankful that we had a walkie talkie system going. Because of the good naturedness of the crew, we were able to use code names over the radios. The 1st Assistant Director Mike Campbell went as 'Chicken Noodle', Chad Ice went as 'Iceman', Travis went as 'Papa Bear', I went as 'Mama Bear', and so on and so forth. I know that those code names will probably be brought up in the stories we tell for years to come! That location gave our film such a great feel. I'm still so happy that we got to use it!

June 25, Day 4-
Those first 3 days went so very well! We only had minor hiccups that we were quickly able to fix on the spot. Then the 4th day hit us. In fact, it hit us square in the face. It was the day where we were to use the 2 locations that we had locked last minute. The first part of the day, we used the basement of the Grand Rapids Civic Theater for the jail cell scenes. There was a lot of miscommunications on both our part and the theaters, making for a rough morning. On top of that, there was a lot of tention among the crew, making some tempers flare. But we kept up our professionalism and got through the shots we needed. We were able to get out a little later than we wanted, but we still got out. We all moved  back to Compass for crafty. We had a hard time getting ahold of the actors scheduled for the afternoon because we had gotten out late. Ann and I went over to the other location and they told us that they didn't know who we were and that we weren't scheduled. So for an extremely stressful hour, we tried to get ahold of the head guy at the location. We finally did and he came over. Because of the mix up, our scheduled 3 hours of shooting had to turn into an hour and a half shoot. So we quickly had to get what we needed. We finally got out and wrapped up the film.

Obviously this blog is condensing 4 ten hour days into a short post about the experience. What I have written is only the tip of what we all experienced and went through. This crew was by far the best crew I have ever been a part of. It's so cool to work with most of the same people I was with on our first shoot during the first term of Compass. These men and women have grown so much! And it was a pleasure to work with and become friends with new people as well. I have been ready to leave Michigan for a while now, but this shoot makes me sad that I am leaving these people soon.

Thank you all so much once again for making this shoot so awesome! I am so excited to see the finished product! You all rock face!!!

Armor

Armor has been an important concept throughout my life. I grew up as a little boy, like most, playing war in the backyard. One of my favorite games was being a knight. I wasn't too creative in costuming myself, so most of my knightly armor came from my imagination. As a knight, I was invincible, being the hero of the day, saving the princess, and slaying the evil that was plaguing the land I had sworn to protect! Or... something like that.
Then, on another level, I was introduced to the concept of spiritual armor, which is spoken of in Ephesians 6:10-20. It talks about the various pieces of "armor" we must have on as Christians in order to stand strong against our sinful nature and the Devil.

But another form of armor that I think that we all have comes in the form of who we put ourselves out to be, which is over the top of who we really are inside. I have become acutely aware of this armor in the last week. I have gone through highs and lows of trying to figure out who I am and why I sin so very much all of the time. Coming with this has been the realization that people don't see that side of me, that dark side which is mostly covered up by that armor I have on. In Romans 7:14-20, Paul talks about the two sides that we have as Christians: the good side and the sinful side. When we accept Christ as our Savior, His Spirit moves into our lives and starts to move our hearts toward being more and more like Him (that is, if we surrender and let Him do it.). But yet, we still do those sinful things in our lives, those things that we hate. Why? Because the sinful nature is still within us. The only way that we can move towards being like Jesus is to let Jesus Himself to the work. It's the pain in our lives which helps move us toward that, along with submitting ourselves to His will. The more we spend in His presence, the more we get a taste of who God is, the more we want to be like Him!

And that's been hard for me this year. Why? Because I haven't had a strong Christian family around me. I some Christian friends, yes, but it hasn't been an overwhelming presence in my life this year. And that has made things to tough. I haven't had the accountability I've needed. But I'm on the edge of the next chapter, as scary as that is. And I've been praying for a church family to come into my life, and I know there's one out there being prepared for me to come too.

So, which armor is good and which armor is bad? Obviously, the spiritual armor is something I pray for everyday. It's something I desperately need in my life, as we all do. But is the other type of armor bad, the type that covers up who we are to the rest of the world? Yes and no. I think we have to be careful with it. We do need to be real to the world, to be able to show the world that we are as messed up as they are, so that they may see the Lord building us up in our lives and rejoice that He is! But obviously that armor will always be there to shield people from our true selves. No one can truly know who you are completely. I think that armor is there to protect both us and everyone else. But we have to be willing to take that armor off in order to show those close to us a little bit more of who we are as time goes by, so that they may know us deeper. That's why the armor is there. It's built into us to protect ourselves.

As we grow older and wiser, we learn to tighten and untighten that armor, and when to do each. We learn when we need to wear it tightly and when we need to wear it loosely, because both are important to know. We can't tighten up ourselves when we are with those we love, and we can't expose our vital parts to just anyone.

That's what it comes down to, like most things in life: Wisdom.

To My Dad

I have to admit, Father's Day snuck up on me this year! I think I only realized that it was today yesterday, so I hope my Dad will forgive me.

So this is my gift to him.

Greg Friend is my Dad. He is an amazing man of God, a man that I have followed closely as a role model my entire life. It wasn't until I left home that I really realized home much I take him for granted. God didn't have to give me an great father. He didn't even have to put me in a household that stayed together. But He did, and it has been one of the biggest factors in shaping me as not only a man, but as the man of God that I am seeking to be every day of my life.

I'm sitting here trying to remember the earliest memory that I have of my Dad. There are a few things that I can think of. One is going to church as a family at First Baptist. Another is my Dad mowing the lawn on Saturday mornings. But the one that comes to mind the strongest is when he lead me to the Lord. I remember sitting in church the Sunday before, partaking of communion. My Dad told me after the service that I would not be able to partake in communion anymore because of my age and that I hadn't accepted Christ as my Savior. I remember that moment with a huge respect. He saw my age and who I was and knew that my age of accountability had come. That next Saturday, My sister and I went with my Dad in our van to REI in Portland. My Dad started to ask me questions about what I believed and at the end he told me that if I believed what I has just said, I was a follower of Christ. I remember coming home and him telling me to tell my Mom what I had done. She cried :)

The wisdom I have observed in my Dad is something I can only hope to achieve in my future. The ways he has been able to handle my sister and I's various stages of life has been something I only hope to be like one day. Through our childhoods, to fighting between my sister and I, to have to discipline, to puberty, to going through relationships they knew would only end in pain, to watching me have to leave home. Through all of the crazy stages, He has sought God's help through all of it.

Now he isn't perfect. Of course he isn't. None of us are. But I have been so blessed to be able to be his son. I can't even express how thankful I am. As I sit here in this laundromat in Grand Rapids MI, 1857 miles away from where my Dad is right now, I long to be there with him today, to go to church with him, to sit down and talk about things. I want nothing more on this day than to be there with him. But God has me here. So I will carry on with the strength and grace that he showed me and helped me learn in these 20.8 years of my life.

I'll see you soon Dad. I can't wait to show you around Michigan in August :)

Your loving and forever grateful son,
John

SMT: A Year Later

Yep. Two blogs in one day. But that's because all I've done today is listen to sermons and watch 'Avatar: The Last Airbender'. But this one is one I need to do tonight, as short as it will be.

It's been a year since I began my journey of the 2012 Ecola Summer Ministry Team with Matt White, Katie White, Rhianna Moriarty, and Lisa Matz. It feels like just yesterday, yet it feels like a lifetime ago. All of the lives effected, all of the people I met, the ways I would never be the same.

It's been a tough year since leaving Ecola and SMT. If you know me at all or have read these blogs, you know that. It's been a journey into the corruption and mess that is the world, a far cry from the shelter that is "camp". Christian camp is a weeks worth of shelter and rejuvenation, not the real world in the least bit. You get to be under the influence of cool older people, who are mostly college age, and get to know your cabin mates. You get to trick yourself into thinking that you have a long term chance with the cute girl 3 rows up in chapel. You get to go to chapel 2 or 3 times a day, something taken for granted by most young people, but its the part of camp I miss the most. Just me and God. In the woods. Hangin' out. Being loved on by everyone around you. And the opportunity to worship the God of the universe in a beautiful place. I LOVE IT.

Being a counselor is one of the greatest experiences in life. But the experience you go through as an SMT member is the best. Literally. Those were the best 2 months of my life. I gained the support of 4 fantastic individuals and I miss them greatly. They really are some of the best friends I will ever have, and I can't wait to see them. The last time I saw Rhianna was at the Ecola camping trip in August. The last time I saw Matt and Katie was at the Chan's wedding in August. And the last time I saw Lisa was in May in Forest Grove, OR.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say with this blog. Maybe that I miss my SMT family. Maybe to be encouraging to this years teams who just headed out today. Maybe for my own satisfaction. Maybe because I'm still stuck on how much I miss last summer. But God has a plan for me. I'm not doing camps this summer for a reason. I pray that I can go back for upcoming summers in my life and do a camp or two, maybe even some of the camps that I did during SMT. Who knows? But God works wonders at summer camps. He gets to kids, kids who's lives will never be the same. I can't wait to be apart of that again. Until then, I follow His lead, unto the next stage of my incredibly small life. And it may be small, but I am made strong through my weakness. That's how God works. And I can't get over how incredible that is.

Life, Trials, and James 1:2-5

This is a big time in my life. I am on the edge of something big, a little something I would call 'The Rest of My Life'. For the majority of the time, you can wake up every morning and say, "It's another day! It's the first day of the rest of my life!" or whatever positive people think when they wake up. But there are moments in life that you can feel coming, the moments you know are going to change everything about you, everything about how you live and think everyday. And I am just under 2 months from a moment like that.

In 2 months, I will be moving to LA to start an internship. That flight or road trip (which ever we decide to do to get there) will be the beginning. This blog is called "Prequel to Life", and that life will begin the day I move away from Michigan. When I move to LA, it will begin real life. So far in my life, I've been in school. School is all I've known. I don't know what it truly is like to be out on my own and working to stay afloat. I don't know what life is like when it's unstructured. Do you know how scary that is? My entire mindset and views on life will have to change in order to adapt to that change.

I've been thinking a lot about life recently, what with it being a year since I began my summer journey on SMT, really missing home, trying to get a glimpse into what my future holds, and really getting the longing set in to get back to my beloved west coast. I've been thinking a lot about who I am, who I was, and who I want to be. Looking back, seeing the guy that existed a year or even two years ago, realizing how much of a wandering lost puppy I was back then. I thought I knew it all. This year has proven to me over and over that I know nothing of what life is or who God truly is. I can only see glimpses of each. But that's what life is: slowly learning and relearning what you think is reality. The world I was apart of at Ecola was the world I prayed that would be reality. I know now that it isn't in the least bit. The reality of life is that people are not smart at all, fail everyday in trying to reach God (or whatever they think He might be), and have no idea what they are doing. And I am included in that. I want so badly to believe that people are good, but they aren't. At the end of the day, we all fail, we all fall, and we all sin. I want to believe that I will eventually 'get it', that eventually I will stop being stupid, that I will stop being sinful. And the answer is yes and no. As long as I keep seeking the Lord with everything that I am, God will continue to work in my life. He will continue to sanctify me through trials and tribulations.

Even though I've complained a lot this year, I really have no right to. I could very well have gone to a school that would have over charged me and under educated me. Compass College really is a great place to learn about film. The teachers care and know how to teach the right things, and I will be getting a great internship through them and will have the skills to excel. Really, at the end of the day, the only thing I am lacking here is my best friends and a close church family. Sadly, those are the things I rely on in life the most. And God is teaching me to live without them, showing me how blessed I've been throughout my life.

James 1: 2-5 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."

Part of the sanctification I have been going through this year is learning how to be joyful in all circumstances. I am a big believer in believing that every trial we go through, every circumstance we are put through is because God is building us up for a future trial and/or situation. The things I have been going through is just the beginning of a bigger plan in my life. I want more than anything to run this race of life with everything that I am. I don't want to live a "normal" life. I want to be used. If film school was just a tool that God used to grow me, and I'm not supposed to do film, so be it. But at the end of the day, I just want God's will to be done. I have been through enough this year, and watched enough people go through crazy things this year, to know that everything is happening for a reason, no matter how painful.

God has a plan. It's up to us to see that and accept it. And I choose to be apart of it in any way that God will allow me.

Awareness of Evil

As you know if you know me well or read this blog, this year has been an incredibly huge time of growing for me. As time goes on, I seem to be opening my mind up to more and more things, ideas, and views on life. When you grow up as a Christian, it's easy to become very closed minded about things that are wrong or evil. I know, that sounds weird and you're probably thinking "Well duh! If something's wrong or evil, I want nothing to do with even the idea of it!" But let me give you the context of what I'm thinking about.

Growing up, I had a fear of the dark. I had a fear of evil things. I had a fear that things could come out of my closet and take me away. As children, I think it's safe to say that most people, if not all, have fears like this. As we grow up, we lose those fears, not because we grow stronger against them, but because we stop believing in them at all. Yet, when we attend church, we talk about the Devil and his demons who are constantly after us to give us doubts about God and to make us stumble and sin. So why doesn't the idea of that scare us? We can say that it's because God is in control and that we can take heart that He is protecting us. And that's true, but what I think is more true is that we just don't think that that stuff is really a threat to us. Why? It's not like we don't experience demons on a daily basis! We all have felt those little voices that push us into sinning. So again, why? It's because it doesn't feel any different than normal. We're used to it, just like how we can become lukewarm Christians (Rev. 3:16) when we don't have an active and healthy knowledge of the presence of God in our lives. I believe that it's just as unhealthy to not acknowledge the presence of spiritual evil in this world as to not acknowledge the presence of spiritual good.

So, you ask, where is all of these ideas coming from? The answer is a TV show (go figure). I know, I know... I'm a nerd, but bare with me. Growing up, I came to believe that it was a really bad idea to engage in watching certain movies and TV shows, because they invite evil ideas into your mind and home. And, to a large extent, I still believe that. For example, I will never watch "The Exorcism" because of all of the real life spiritual things that surrounded the movie. Last year while at Bible school, I was told by my good friend Jordan Preston that the show 'Supernatural' was really really good. So I took a look at it. Sadly, I had to watch pirated versions, which sucked. But by the end of the first season, I didn't feel comfortable watching the show, as it's all about two brothers who fight urban legends and demons, which didn't make me feel comfortable. So I stopped.

Fast forward to this year. I have grown a lot, both mentally and spiritually. After going to LA and meeting with Director Scott Derrickson, I decided to watch 'The Exorcism of Emily Rose'. That movie, while not fantastic, had some really good plot points. 'Emily Rose' wasn't a horror movie about exorcisms, it was a movie about the fact that exorcisms are a reality, because it is about a case of real demon possession. There's a great quote in the movie about how it's not that demon possession doesn't happen anymore, its that the western world has chosen not to see it and tries to dismiss the cases as scientific and not spiritual, which is so true. This movie opened me up to the idea of watching 'Supernatural' again, so I gave it a shot.

Concerning the show itself, HOLY COW. The show is so amazingly shot and does such an amazing job with the story of the two brothers who fight evil. On the Behind the Scenes, the creators say that while they fight things every week,  but the show is really about the relationship of the Winchester family. This show really is a gem in the TV show realm.

Anyway, going back to the spiritual side of the show. I truely believe that I wasn't ready to take on the spiritual thought that has come with this show last year. I've been out in the world, outside the bubble of home and Bible school. But I was ready for this show this year, to take it as new perspective instead of just some show about demons. In fact, I'm sure that my parents wouldn't be comfortable with me watching the show in their home, just because of the content being about demons and elements of horror. My parents would ask me "Do you really want this stuff in your brain?" And before this year, I honestly know that the answer would be no, but this year, I know I'm ready to realize what evil is in this world. Plus on top of that, I love a well done story as a film maker.
This show has really opened my mind up to being able to recognize the presence of evil in this world. All of the evil things they fight have either a rooting in Biblical text or legends that all have nuggets of truth in them. And I think it's a good thing, as I said before, to be able to recognize that there are things in this world that happen that you can't explain. All the legends we have, all of the stories about evil has root somewhere. I don't want to give anything away about the plot for those of you who haven't seen it, but there are so many episodes that deal with evil in a way which, while probably not 100% accurate because it's a TV drama, it really opens up your mind to realizing that many of these stories have nuggets of fact in them. Stories of hauntings, stories of possession, stories of selling your soul to the Devil. There are stories that deal with these things in almost every culture across the world and that's hard to ignore.

So what do you do with this information? Take it, use it, make sure you are growing close to God, because God is your protector. He has the ability to vanquish all evil that wants to stand in your way. Don't test the supernatural or evil that is out there; it's real. And while you probably aren't out hunting a demon who killed your mother, we as Christians are the main target of the Devil. He wants nothing more than to immobilize us so that we are not effective for God's Kingdom.

So, my brothers and sisters, "Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love." Ooh-rah.
1 Corinthians 16: 13-14

I Don't Know Anything.

It's weird to look back to the beginning of this blog, to see how much I've changed in just 8 short months, and to think that my life is about to radically change once again in about 3 months.

I came here to Michigan, to film school, thinking that I had a handle on life, thinking that since I had been through a year of Bible school, I knew quite a bit about what I life is about, that I knew where my life was going and what it was about. But after 8 months of growing up, I sit here and type all of this out to tell you all one thing:

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.


I thought I did. I really did. I got to go through one of the best Bible programs in the country and made friends with some of the best people I've ever known. I got to know the Bible pretty well, and I thought I had finally had the means to become a "good Christian person". HA. The very reason we need Christ is because we aren't good people, because we are SINNERS, because we turn our back on God constantly. Now, I'm not saying that we are destined to stay that way once be decide to follow Christ. Not at all. The second step to following Christ is to allow (yes, allow) God to start changing us on the inside out. All my life, I felt like a good person. I felt that I was doing well and that being a Christian was just logical. Who wouldn't want to be friends with the Creator of the universe? That's what I thought it was all about. you read your Bible, you pray, you go to church. It felt like there was a formula and I was following it well. But it always felt empty. I didn't understand why, but it did. When I went to Ecola, something clicked. God took me by the hand and lead me towards where He wants my relationship to be with Him. Slowly, over the course of those 7 months, He showed me things about Himself, about who He is, about what He wants us to be. And I rode that high, that feeling that God was physically with me all the time, that He wants me to walk with Him daily, that there was no way that I would possibly leave His side.

Then this year hit. Right out of the summer, I felt good. I was still riding the high, still loving God all the time, still wanting to constantly walk with Him. Then school hit. I got busy, distracted. It was easier to watch movies on my down time than to study the Bible or pray. I felt lonely, like I had nobody. I fought with impurity and swearing, and all of the things that entrapped me before Ecola, and even some things that still entrapped me while I was there. I prayed as much as could, but God felt distant, like He didn't want to be with me in Michigan. I had to constantly remind myself that God doesn't leave us, its us who shift our focus from Him.
And I still struggle with all that to an extent, actually to a very large extent. This life is hard. As Christians, we seem to think that our life will be roses and puppies, but it won't. We have chosen a path that is hard, a path that challenges us, a path that is not of this earth. God uses all the times and circumstances to teach us and grow us into the men and women we are destined to be. We may not be able to see what it all means for us right now, but it's building to something huge, whether that thing happens here in our lifetime, or in heaven.


I've also learned that I really don't know anything about myself.

Every time I think I know who I am, I am disproven. This year has been a big time of learning about the ins and outs of how the human brain works, how my brain works. What turns me on, what puts me off, what makes me who I am. And it's a hard experience. It's tough learning about how corrupt you are. If last year was about learning about God and His incredible grace, this year has been about learning where He applies it. And boy does He apply it. We took a test this week in a class about how ethical we think we are. And it was hard because I know where I want to be, but I also know where I actually am, so I gave myself a rough score. Yet, I was thought of by some as one of the most ethical people in the class. That's hard to hear in many ways because I know who I am deep inside, and it sure as heck isn't ethical at all. I know how much work I have to do, how much pain and fire I will have to go through in my lifetime, because I am a sinful man, I am a corrupt man. God has plenty of work to do in me before I'm ready to stand before His Throne.


And then there's film itself.

I really don't know anything about film. We grow up, we see a lot of movies, we read a lot of books. As we get older, we seem to think we know about films and the way they should or should not be made, and we get upset when a movie is terrible or when the right movies aren't made. The whole industry looks manipulated and we are forced to go see things we don't want to see. I am here to tell you that that is all wrong. We don't know how Hollywood works. We don't know what makes a good movie or not. Hollywood is there to make money, pure and simple. And the reason most films get made is because of money. Its all based on whether something will make money or not. I've learned this year that I know nothing about how it all works. And I still don't. I know nothing about Producing, about film, about people. I still have a long journey ahead of me.

I've also learned that the film industry is really really weird. It's such an off the wall industry. Most of the time, I don't even know why it exists. But people want an escape. People don't like the real world. That's why there's film. People want a way not to think about their life. They want their lives to be more exciting than they actually are. So we watch sexy stars save the world and get the girl, because deep inside, that's what we all want.

This all probably seems like I'm lost. Maybe I am. In some ways, it's true. But I think that these are the times that God needs me to go though. These are some of the things God wants me to understand before I go off into the real world next August.

And since God's behind all of it, good. I'd have it no other way.

Home?

Home. I've been thinking a lot about what that means this year. It's a strange term. The dictionary definition of 'home' is "the place where one lives permanently." However, in this day and age, we seem to ascribe a deeper meaning to it, making it a word that describes how we feel about a place more than actually what it is.

When we grow up, the majority of people grow up in a home of some sort, a place where, at least in my experience, I felt comfortable. It was a place where I felt safe. It was a place I could go out into the backyard and pretend to be a Jedi, or where I could go into my room and cry, or where I could sit down at the dinner table and eat a delicious meal made by my loving mother. It was also a place where I would be disciplined if I did wrong, a place I knew that if I screwed up, I would be set right, even if there was pain involved. When you get into your teenage years, most want nothing more than to get out on their own, to set out and forge a new path away from their family. And so, after 18 years, I did just that.

My next adventure was moving an hour away and living in a small beach town called Cannon Beach, where I attended a small Bible school called Ecola. I packed up what I needed and set out to be my own man. Well, it turns out that being only an hour away from home hardly counts as being my own man. However, I did find a whole new family down there at the beach, a place where i could call home. Being able to be in a place where 120 other people loved Jesus as much as I do, and learning and growing in the Word for 7 straight months, its an experience that few people get to experience. So many people don't like to go to church because it's boring, or feels meaningless, or there is just too much drama. Sadly, these things can be true, and are true for the majority of churches. Ecola was different. Everybody loved each other, everybody wanted to see the best in others, everybody just wanted to be there worshiping God. you can't find environments like that very many places. Sure, it wasn't perfect, but it was darn near close. The closest I've ever seen or been to heaven.

Then I set out on the road for the summer with 4 of my friends to do 8 different summer camps for 8 weeks. It was exhausting, but I felt at home with my dear brother and sisters. We never stayed in one place for longer than a week straight, but I still felt that that van in some ways was a home in itself.

Then came this year. This year I've been in Michigan going to Compass College. I've been making films and learning tons. In fact, this is the longest I've lived in the same place since the summer after high school. Yet, I don't feel at home. I've always felt restless here. I've been trying to figure out why for the last 9 months.

And then, this morning, it hit me.

When I lived in my home town, I had my family to shelter me when times got tough. When I lived in Cannon Beach, I had the option of going to virtually an entire 120 student school to shelter me when times got tough. And during last summer, times were tough for 8 weeks, but I had my teammates to lean upon. But here.. here I don't really have anyone to lean upon incredibly. I have friends I can talk to, but I, being an introvert, either need time to myself or time with people I love to fill up my batteries. I've had people like that all my life, people I could go to to feel better or just to rest with. But this year, I don't have anyone around to fill me up. Everyone around me drains me. And that sucks. It's really no way to live. In fact, in the long run, it's a horrible way to live.

So where is home for me now? Honestly, I'm not sure. When I've gone home the couple times I have this year, it's been nice. I've definitely been filled up by being with family again. But it's still not the same as it once was. Just like my life has gone on, so has theirs. But that's life, right? And I did get to go back to Ecola for a day, and it was amazing. I tear up just thinking about being with those wonderful people again. But it was also different. They had grown up a year more, just as I had. They were on their way out to start their real lives, just as I had done a year before. So it was also different. Though the people had so much love, the town was still felt to small for me, like I needed to use all of my potencial elsewhere.

So where is home for me now? Honestly, I'm still not sure. Home will be a place where I am loved and won't be drained by those people. Home might be a new group of friends I find when I move back west. Or maybe I have to wait until I find my wife to find a home again.

Only God knows.

I take comfort in knowing I was created by a God who loves me enough to die for me, and then follow up constantly on how I'm doing, giving and taking away the whole time. I know that all of these things I go through, all of the hard times, all of the confusing times, all of the good times, all of the reunions, I know that all of these things have a purpose. They are all building me into a man, the man I originally set out to be 19 months ago.

Whirlwind of Untitled Emotions

I set out to write a blog about how I feel about life right now, but I'm not sure how to do that right off, mostly because I don't know how to describe it. So here goes a try at it....

Wow. This week has possibly been the craziest week of my life. This was the week that I went to LA with Compass College students and teachers to meet people in the industry, visit studios, and get a feel for what life really is like in Hollywood. And quite frankly, without this trip, I really think I would have been completely lost in the process of moving, settling in, and getting internships and jobs. The wisdom and the knowledge we have acquired on this trip is completely invaluable, and all of it will be applied to what I do and how I do things when I move to LA next August. It also was a crazy emotion trip. Arriving in LAX, feeling the warm dry air. Ahh. It was magical. It felt like I was ready to go conquer the world. The first 3 full days were very encouraging, full of hope for the future, full of "you can do it"s. The 4rd full day was the day of "Ohh shoot... what am I doing...". And the last day was another high day. Plus there was the flying time, late nights (with a body that wouldn't adjust it's clock), and lots of time with the same people. So there was lots of tiredness and emotions running, at least through me. But all in all, it was an amazing trip to LA. Even though I probably was a "tourist", I didn't feel like one. I felt as if I was actually getting stuff done, doing business, which I was by making little connections here and there. And to top it all off, I was able to spend an evening with my best friend who lives in LA, which was so wonderful!

So, while the rest of the group flew back to Grand Rapids, I flew home to Oregon for a couple nights, just to see family and what few friends I could make time for. This is when the real emotions set in. I was able to see my family, talk with them a bit about life, even though its not much because they are all busy and tired, and I am tired. It's a weird moment when you sit back and realize you're leading a completely different life from your family, that they don't understand the inside jokes, that they don't completely connect on the same level you used to with them. Then came the second wave of emotions. I was able to drive down to Cannon Beach and see some of my old classmates from last year, people I haven't seen in a year. People I've loved, people I've held, people I've grown with. Guys I've spent almost 7 months straight with, guys I've been able to talk late into the night with, guys I've learned with. Girls I've gotten to know on a more deeper level than any other girls I've known, girls I've learned with, even girls I've had crushes on! I was able to see some of the most best friends I've ever had. I was able to go back and be with the people I feel most at home with outside of my own family. I was able to walk on the beach with my friends. I was able to go tanning with my best friend. I was able to joke around with people who knew me better than anyone else. I was able to hang out with a whole group of people that love Jesus as much as I do, or more. I felt so comfortable, so at peace. And this was despite being somewhat of an outsider, as I've been gone from the Ecola bubble for an entire year, and they all have deepened those relationships that were started last year.

So I sit here in my parents house, thinking about all that has transpired, weeping because I've forgotten how much I've missed that world. These last months, I've forced those feelings of attachment out of my mind and heart, because I can't afford to keep them. It's too much stress, it's too much emotion to remember and long for it. But I can't do that anymore. Now I know that they are still there, lying dormant, ready to erupt out again. But I can't allow them to become powerful enough to slow me down as I go through life, longing for the "good old days". I have to see them as apart of me, apart of what made me who I am. Because that's just what Ecola was: It was my first step into a larger world. Compass is my second step. And so forth.

At the end of the day, my problem is right now, I feel lost. I look at my life and I don't know what's going on, but yet I do know. Last year, I went to Ecola Bible School. Last summer, I was on Ecola's summer ministry camp team. Now I'm in Grand Rapids going to a film school. A few months from now, I'll be moving to LA. And that's what I know. God is building me through experiences and teaching me to trust Him. Now I need to trust Him. I need to get into His Word. I need to pray. I can't let the excuse of "but it's hard not being a Bible school" stop me from pursuing Christ with everything I am, which when it comes down to it, I haven't. The Devil has been beating me down, and I've let it happen. I haven't been actively fighting the battles against him.

So pray for me. I need it. I need to be close to the Lord again, because I need Him and I miss Him.

Who Is It For?

Film.

Movies.

Entertainment.

This is my life.

As an up and coming film maker, it's easy to take your focus off what is important in life. In fact, I'm sure that's true of any filmmaker at any age. It's so easy to fall so deeply into the worlds we create for ourselves. It's easy to forget that we are the weird people who know way too much about films and how they work or should work. It's easy to think that it's our opinions that matter.

But is it our opinions that matter? That's a question I think that every film maker has to discover the answer to. Film makers tend to fall into the 'pompous jackass' category of human beings. We don't mean to be, really! It's just that when you discover the inner workings of the hugest form of entertainment, it's hard not to feel better than other people. It's been something I've been learning not to be this year, and I feel that God is bringing me largely out of that frame of mind. Frankly, I don't want to feel "better" than any one else. That isn't a right thing to do. Just because I know how the 180 degree rule works, or how the hero's journey goes, or know what 'greeking' is, or what exactly a crafty or 1st AD is, that doesn't make me better than anyone. That doesn't make any of us better than anyone. But the feeling comes naturally because it feels so cool to know how an industry works that the majority of people in the world thinks comes about by magic (not really, but you get my point).

So, back to the original question: Who's opinion matters in the world of film? There are a few different parties in this. There are the masses who go to theaters to enjoy a movie, there are the percentage of masses who know what makes a film good or bad, and then there are the film makers. So which one do you aim at? The answer for the majority of films today is to the general masses. That's where the money comes from. That's why things like 'Twilight' and 'Transformers' get made, and are popular, because they know what people want and what they will pay for, even if it is, in my humble opinion, crap. Meanwhile, there are those who understand movies and know what goes into a good movie, but their opinions aren't usually ones that matter, except for when they are the ones to write reviews or entertainment magazines. And then there are the film makers, who are probably the most judgmental of the groups, because not only do we know film and story, but we also always feel like "If I had the chance, I could do so much better..".

So who are films for? What should our motivation be? Should it be money? Should it be quality? Should it be sending a message?

I know what I want my ultimate motivation to be: To bring glory to God. At the end of the day, that should be what we do all this for. I want everything I do to bring glory to God, especially the films I make. I can only pray that I can do that, and I truly believe that if your heart is lined up with what God wants, you also line up with His will.

"Love God and do as you please." If you love God, that means you want to please Him, thus doing what you please also pleases God.

That's what I want.

Ink Off My Chest

When you have a blog which people actually read, you must be careful of what you write, especially when approaching things that you want to get off your chest. As quoted from 'Social Network' by Rooney Mara's character: "The internet is not written in pencil, it's written in ink."

But I need to do this, so here goes nothing.

It's strange the way life works. At least mine is. As a general standard throughout my life, the best times have also been at the same time as my worst times. For example, SMT last summer was one of the best experiences of my life, but it was also one of the most trying. And I have solidified in my mind that, yes, I am an artist. How do I know? Because I tend to be very bi-polar, like most artists. (Just look at David's psalms!)
The same goes for this year. Being here in Michigan has been extremely hard for me. Yet being able to be in a film school, learning the basics with a faculty who actually cares, has also been a huge blessing. Let's face it: not many people get to go into an industry that they are completely in love with.

This last week has been filled with some of the highest highs I've had in a long time, but it's also brought some of the lowest lows I've had in a long time.

Last week, I was chosen to be one of five producers for Compass College's 2012 Thesis films. This is a huge honor, and has been a huge whirlwind of craziness. In a matter of a week, pitched ourselves, been chosen, we've chosen stories, and are about to choose our Directors and Writers. It's a huge amount of stress, probably the most I've been under ever. And this month is the easy month. Don't get me wrong, I want this. I want to learn how to be an amazing producers. It's what I want to do for the rest of my life. (Sometimes I wonder if I'm just plain crazy, but God made me this way for a reason haha)

This last weekend, I got to go to Moran Park Church and ran slideshow for the first time since high school. And boy was it great! It felt so good to be apart of a ministry again, which is something I have longed for for the last 7 months. And the church is filled with a fire for God, an amazing fire you rarely find in this country anymore! I am so blessed to be able to be apart of that church now!

I miss the west coast. I miss Oregon specifically. That's been the single hardest part about this year. The mid-west is just... bland. It's boring. It's entrapping. I've never felt settled here. This entire year, I've felt like my apartment is just some place I'm sleeping. It's never felt like home. And Grand Rapids is the same way. The loyalty that Michiganders have to this state astounds me. And it's a good thing, cause otherwise I guarantee that no one would live here. Cause it sucks. There's nothing here, nothing worth while. And even the things that it does have, other states do it better anyways! So why stay here at all? I see no reason. None at all.

I've been talking to a girl a lot. Not many people know about this. And since not many people read this, I know that after I post this, not a lot of people will still know. We're very much in the beginning stages of being friends, but we both know where we'd like to see this go. She's wonderful! She's been exactly the support I've needed in these last few weeks, and I thank God for her every day. But we both have a ton of growing up to do before we pursue a dating relationship. But that's ok. I want to be the best man I can be before we consider being serious in any way. I pray that God will be glorified in this.

I think the biggest thing that's hit me this week has been my best friend here in Michigan leaving. He's been going through some stuff this year, and the drama we've had over a particular story he wrote for thesis made him feel that it was time to leave. I am a very emotional person. I get attached fast. Adam has been a rock for me this year, a guy I can go to with anything, whatever it may be. God, girls, or just complaints about life. And now that's gone. I won't pretend to be happy about it. I'm not. But I know he needs to get out of Michigan more than I do. He is going to be used by God in so many ways! He's an amazing musician and I know for a fact that God will use that to effect a lot of lives, and will influence many people to want to praise God!

God is in control. I know He is for a fact. There's no way He couldn't be, just from watching my own life, let alone everything else! Life is hard. It just is. And I'm learning how to deal with it, situation by situation. I know I'll be stronger for this time in my life, and will soon feel like nothing. I just pray for the strength to get through it.

God is good! And who are we not to trust Him?

VIDEO LINK: Mighty.

Also for this evening, here is the link to a video I made for directing class. It's about our view of God and how limited it is. I love how it turned out :)

Mighty.

Settling

During the last 6 months here in Michigan and at Compass College, I've learned more about myself than I have ever before. I have changed so much in who I am, how I carry myself, what I see myself as. Because of the ever present reality that is Facebook in my life, I see pictures of myself in high school, at Ecola last year, and on SMT. And strangely enough, the person I see in those pictures is not the same person I see in the mirror. Maybe that's because I didn't have the pathetic excuse for a beard then I have now, but I'm pretty sure it runs deeper than that. But one big thing that has stuck itself out to me recently is my ever present desire not to settle.

First off, I will not settle for a 'normal' faith in God. My soul desire in my life and in my prayers is to be more than just an average joe Christian. Too many Christians are stagnant in their faith, lukewarm. I don't want to be that. Revelation 3:16 says "So, because you are lukewarm- neither hot or cold- I am about to spit you out of my mouth." I don't know exactly what that means or entails, but whatever it is, I don't want any part of it! I want to be a man after God's own heart. I pray for that as often as I think of it, which is probably at least every day. And God shows me more and more how He is doing that in my life every day. I'm not perfect, I won't be until I get my new body when we are with Him in Eternity, but I strive to run the race as well as I can, even though He has to help me off the ground when I stumble everyday. I'm so thankful that we have such a loving God!

Second, I won't settle for anything less than the beautiful woman God has personally ordained to ultimately be my wife. I know that God has placed in my heart the desire to get married one day, to have a wife to love and support, and to have a wife that will love and support me. He knows that I will need it in the rough career I have ahead of me. I pray for her often, that she is being molded into the woman after God's own heart, a "P31" if you will. (Proverbs 31:10-31) And I know that she will be the fit for me, and I for her, but only when the time is right for us to either meet, or realize that we've known each other all along. While she will have a strong relationship with the Lord and a strength that I will need, I know that she will be incredibly beautiful. It's something that's been programed into me: a desire for beauty. I've been told here that that makes me shallow, that I look at the outside too much. Is that true? Possibly, especially in my immaturity now. But outer beauty, while inner beauty outweighs outer, is still very much a factor for me, probably because I was raised on the west coast and the way we view relationships is so different from one end of the US to the other. So, what I'm trying to say is that I won't settle for anyone but the beautiful woman God has been molding just for me.

Third, I won't settle for an ordinary career. I'm not the type of person who can just be some guy in a sound department, or a desk clerk in a cubical. I want to be extraordinary. I want to participate in making films that change lives. I want to produce works that make people change their outlooks on life. I want to sore high in life and show off my Creator. I want to be all that God will allow me to be. I want to dream big and see to it that those dreams come true. I want to use the power given to me to grow various ministries, and to grow apart of various outreaches. I want to be abnormal to the environment I will reside in. I want to be peculiar. I want to make people ask, "What is this guy's deal? What drives him?" I want to show the world who Jesus Christ is by my actions and by what I do and by what I say. I want to be all that God's will allow me to be.

I am not one who will settle for less than these. I pray that God uses these ambitions for His glory, not mine.

"Not to us, but to Your Name be the glory."

Art is a Lie.

I was raised in a Christian home with Christian ideals and a Christian viewpoint on what is right and wrong, which, I have to say, I am incredibly thankful for. My parents did an incredible job of raising me and I am eternally grateful to them for helping me turn into the man I should be and the man I will become. I went to Ecola Bible School last year, which was wonderful, and only reenforced those ideals that I had been raised in and even built more upon them, which was perfect timing in my life because during the previous year, I had started the typical "playing with the line of morality" that most teenagers go through. After last year, seeing that my whole world lined up with what right and wrong are, I had no problem holding onto those ideals.Then I spent a summer on the road, being a mentor and friend to various younglings at 8 different camps, only reenforcing everything I had learned that year.

But then I came to film school. I went from an environment where everyone I knew believed the exact same thing I did. (Now, that probably sounds like a cultish environment or whatever, but I assure you, it's not. When people come together to learn more about why they believe the way they believe, especially when that way is the truth in life, it's mind boggling how much God works.) First of all, Christianity feels different here in the mid-west than it does back west. I can't put my finger on what exactly it is (trust me, I've been trying to figure it out for 6 months now), but it just is different. Of course, it also may be that I have no ties to this place previously, and that I've going to a school where pretty much everyone around me believes something different. Anyways, as I dove into the world of film, I discovered that life isn't as black and white as I had previously thought.

First off, the very idea of art is a lie. Art is taking something, anything, and using it to invoke a particular emotion, thus manipulating the audience. And I would say that film is an extreme of that. In my opinion, film is at least one of the most powerful of the arts, if only because it is the furthest reaching and causes the most impact on people's lives. So if art is a lie, does that make it right? Well I would say that it's a different type of lie. After all, God is perfect AND an artist. I believe it's what you do with that art that determines whether the lie that you are telling through your art is wrong or not.

Which opens up a whole other discussion: What should we be ok with watching? We accept seeing so much violence in movies, yet threaten death at the thought of seeing sexual content or homosexual content in movies. God says that whether it's a small lie, committing adultery, or killing someone, it's all bad. It's all sin and all separates us from God. For example, one of my favorite movies is "Scott Pilgrim vs. The World". Many Christian people condemn the movie because of the homosexual content it contains, yet, we are ok watching something like "James Bond" or "Firefly" because it's "not as bad". I disagree. Frankly, "James Bond" and "Firefly" are WAY worse, content wise.

Going beyond that, here's another question: As an artist, what is ok and not ok to do in art, specifically film? Where is the line between artistic choice and immorality? For example, if I put swearing into my film, will it lessen of intensify the impact? A film example of this is the contrast between "Ides of March" and "The Grey". "Ides of March" had quite a bit of swearing in it, which really put me off because it didn't seem to fit the movie. I felt like they were putting it in there just to put it in. Meanwhile, in "The Grey", there was twice as much swearing in it as "Ides", but it fit the movie, and thus made the movie feel more accurate, powerful, and meaningful.

These are all things I'm grappling with this year. If art is a lie, where is the line? Should I be even be paying attention to the line? Or should I be trying to stay away from the line completely? If I do that, will my art's impact on the world suffer because of it? What should be my goal? And how am I supposed to ultimately use it for God's glory?

My entire goal in life is to praise and reflect God in my craft, without shoving what I believe in people's faces. I believe that God has put a passion in me for using film to reach people where they are. And I desire that so incredibly much.
But life isn't black and white. As much as I want it to be, it won't be until Christ comes back. So until then, I will keep seeking the answers I desire, and pray that God will show me them, so that I may apply them to the craft I am shaping, so that I may be used to create the most impact in people's lives.

Dreams for the Future

Dreams for our lives. We all have them, or at least have had them at some point.

We grow up all looking to people beyond and above ourselves, and we aspired to be like them. As boys, it's firemen, policemen, superheroes, etc. (I don't know what exactly girls consistently aspire to be, but girls reading this will understand what I mean.) As we grow older, our dreams start to change, turning into things that line up more with who we are growing to be. Then, so many, there's a dead zone at about the middle of high school where we have no idea what we want to do. Some come out of that quickly, some don't figure out what they want for years after that. I was blessed enough to figure it out during my senior year.

Film. Movies. TV. Most people can't even imagine all of the work that goes into media, and thus they take it for granted. And that's ok! Media has two extremes to being there. On one end, it's there to be art. And on the other end, it's there to just entertain. Some what to think too much about it, and some what to not think about it at all.

I desire to tap into both sides of that spectrum during my life. I want to go out and make films that people can enjoy, that will wow people, that will take people to a place they have never been before. I also want to make films that make people think about their lives, what sort of consequences their actions have, and about who we are deep inside. Most of the movies we see today are shallow and story-less, only really there to make money. I hate that. I want to bring back good story telling, to bring back life to Hollywood. People don't even realize that when they attend 'Transformers' and 'Twilight', they are feeding the machine of soulless crap that has taken over Hollywood. I want to show the executives that we need good story and good characterization back, that we need to have a reason to make films besides the shallow reason of making money.

I desire, above all, to bring glory to God. So many think that Christianity is irrelevant to life and culture, that it's all just a crutch. I assure you it's not. It's a lifestyle. It's a lifestyle that, if approached in the right mindset, is more grounded in reality than most non-Christian thinking. And that's all we need to show the world: That God knows what's up and wants to help us through this life. He wants to guide us to Himself, but we have to let Him.

As Christians, we come across to the world as "in people's faces".
That's not what we're meant to be. We are meant to reflect God's love and show people the good news that He has for them.

So that's my dream. I write this today for not only you, but for myself in the future. I can't wait to see how God changes me to more like the man he wants me to be, and to be more like Him. I can't wait look back years from now, see what God has done in my life and the lives of others around me, and return the praise to Him! :)

VIDEO LINK: Art Vocation Worship Video

This is a worship video Bree Brincat and I made for Art Vocation class. It's not nearly as good as we wanted it, but it's pretty :)

Art Voc video on YouTube

I hope you enjoy it!

SMT, Part 9= Camp Elohim- The Grand Finale

It's been a little over 4 months since I began blogging about each camp I went to during my 8 week adventure on SMT. It's taken longer to cover each leg of the journey than I meant to, but then again, I'm sad that this is the last post in the series about our summer. Of course, I will mention my experiences in future posts, as it was 2 months of my life that profoundly changed me forever.

We left Oregon from Camp Morrow and made our way up to Rhianna's house once again to stay there over night before we headed up towards northwestern Montana. To be honest, I don't remember a lot from that weekend. We continued from there up to Troy, MT, which was the location of our final camp, Camp Elohim. It was a cute little camp, very rustic. I liked the staff well enough (though there was some tension at points for Matt and I, but it really doesn't matter now, so I won't get into it). The first night, I had one camper in my cabin even though the camp didn't start till the next day. From my conversation with him, I knew that the people in that state were in a different mind set than I, one of those city folk. But that was ok, because Matt and I got to sit with him and just talk about life, which would prove to have been needed later in the week.

The next day, campers arrived! It was a high school camp (a great way to end it all!). I had four campers: Ryan, Josh, Tyler, and Devin, four great guys! :) I remember having some great and deep discussions with them at night. All of them were already Christians, so once again, it was my job to help build them up in whatever way I could (which I pray that I did) That week felt so... in tune with God. I was so lead in what I talked about during cabin times and what and when to do and say things. It was such a great week for me spiritually. Now of course, since it was our last week, we were dead tired. And the camp started earlier each day than any of the previous, so it was painful getting up in the mornings, but once I did, the days were worth it. The activities were so great! Archery, shooting .22s, a long hike to a waterfall, and rafting... ahh it was great! And I loved the speaker, John Wallace. I got so much out of his teaching of Acts, a class I wish we had gotten more into at Ecola, but he really changed my perspectives and knowledge on that book! And I found out that his father founded Sonrise Church in Hillsboro, OR, a branch of which my family back home in Oregon now attends! Plus, I really loved their kids! Peter and Andrew were so awesome to hang out with when I had a little free time during the day :)
(Also, I still insist I saw a bear at campfire the last night. That was no deer or elk I saw!!!)

The last day of camp was so surreal. It didn't feel like it was supposed to be over yet, and yet I was ready, ya know? Soon the campers were gone and we were packing up the van for the last time. Man that was a weird feeling... SO we said our goodbyes, got one last camp picture as a group, and we headed out.

We took three days to get back to Cannon Beach. First we drove to Moscow, ID and stayed at a girl from Ecola's house, who's name I can not think of for the life of me... Anyways, it was a very pretty neighborhood and house. That night, a bunch of us went on a walk around town, and I had a fantastic and deep conversation with Katie, a conversation that, in my opinion, solidified our brother/sister-ship forever and ever. :) The next day, we drove from Moscow to Newberg, OR, where we stayed the night at Matt and Katie's aunt and uncle's house. And finally. The final leg back to Cannon Beach. We drove into Cannon Beach blaring "Take Me Home Country Roads, which made me cry (and still brings tears to my eyes today as I think about it). We drove to the beach and ran into the ocean. (the whole thing is on my Facebook page under videos) After that last hurrah as a group, we drove to Ecola and met up with the other group and the staff. We sat down and discussed the summer.

And then it was over.

Just like that.

After disbanded, I couldn't believe it. But it was truly over. We all went to Casa del Sol for Mexican food, to hang out as a group. I spent that night in my friend, Zach Ricks' room, but not before I walked on the beach that night, trying to get a grasp on what was next. The next morning, my family came for me, whom I had not seen since the memorial service for my grandma a month and a half before. I felt sick. I felt like crying the whole time. I only saw Rhianna that day because everyone else was out at the time I was leaving CB, but they knew I'd see them again in a few days.

The last time I saw Matt, Katie, Rhianna, and Lisa was at the Ecola Campout in Sisters, OR 4 days later. That was five and a half months ago. I miss those 4 so much. I miss them as much as I miss my own family. I love them so much. I pray and think about them all the time, and I can't wait to see them again.

I write this to all of you who read my blog and are interested in my life. But I also write this to my SMT family: the man and the three women who kept with me and put up with me for two months straight. It was one of the best summers of my life, and the rest  of the summers I experience will have a hard time beating it.

I love you guys.

Death: Why Am I Here?

Death.

It's a mystery that has been pondered about ever since the beginning of mankind. Some believe that this there is this life and then nothing after you die. Others, such as myself, believe in heaven and hell as destinations for those who die. But no matter what you think, its a reality we all have to deal with. When you're young, you think that death can't touch you, that you're invincible. It's just the way it is, whether we mean to be like that or not. But we all have to confront it sooner or later.

I used to approach the concept of death very cavalierly. I didn't mean to, but I just couldn't wrap my head around the fragility of life. After a year of Bible school, I approached death in the way that 'when I go, I go. Whenever, the sooner the better', with almost no regard to this present physical life. But the events of the first of this month changed all that. I know I talked about totaling my truck in my last post, but I'm still learning things from it and sorting them out. I now realize that anyone and everyone around me could die at anytime, just like that. If God will's it to be their time, then that's His will. But that makes me all the more aware of the urgency of talking to them as often as possible and telling them that I love them as often as possible. For example, my Dad had a medical emergency this past week. Its more proof that things can spring on us out of nowhere with no warning whatsoever.

It has become my view that since God is in control, and ultimately His Will will be done, regardless of what we do, every person is on earth for a purpose. In my view, there are basically two types of people in the world: Those who have found God's amazing gift of His Son Jesus, and those God is still seeking. (I could say that, Biblically, there is a third party, those whom God has not predestined, but to conclude that would be to know the mind of God, which I surely do not.) I, as a follower of Christ, have been called to live out a life that reflects Christ to others. And because of that, and because I am still here on earth, means that I still have a purpose, that God's not done with me.

And it's true of you too: You are still here on earth because God wants you to be.

And I find that incredible. When I look at my life, where I've been, what I've done, what I'm doing, and knowing that I have many more imperfections in the future, I don't deserve this life. So many people say that "they have rights". No. We don't. When it comes down to it, we are being held by a tiny thread, a thread controlled by God. As the rapper Lecrae says "If we fought for our rights, we'd be in hell tonight." But we're not. God's not done with you!

I've been pondering these things a lot lately, wondering how they effect my life and such. But watching "The Grey" tonight (which I recommend heavily, but don't pay ANY attention to the marketing) reminded me of my fears. I used to not have fears, but God woke me up to my mortality, and I am incredibly thankful for that, even though I had to learn a hard way (even though it really wasn't that hard, since I wasn't physically hurt at all, just psychologically). That's what life is: going through various things that build us up and, hopefully and prayerfully, brings us closer to the God of this universe!

I pray, even though I use these blogs to talk things out with myself and to put them down in ink, that my posts drive people to to think, to ponder, and to take a look at God. I serve an amazing God. But you have to seek Him for yourself. Even though I try to describe God when I can, it's like trying to describe chocolate to someone who's never tasted it: You just have to taste it themselves to understand!

So I leave you with this:
Psalm 34:8- "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!"