I set out to write a blog about how I feel about life right now, but I'm not sure how to do that right off, mostly because I don't know how to describe it. So here goes a try at it....
Wow. This week has possibly been the craziest week of my life. This was the week that I went to LA with Compass College students and teachers to meet people in the industry, visit studios, and get a feel for what life really is like in Hollywood. And quite frankly, without this trip, I really think I would have been completely lost in the process of moving, settling in, and getting internships and jobs. The wisdom and the knowledge we have acquired on this trip is completely invaluable, and all of it will be applied to what I do and how I do things when I move to LA next August. It also was a crazy emotion trip. Arriving in LAX, feeling the warm dry air. Ahh. It was magical. It felt like I was ready to go conquer the world. The first 3 full days were very encouraging, full of hope for the future, full of "you can do it"s. The 4rd full day was the day of "Ohh shoot... what am I doing...". And the last day was another high day. Plus there was the flying time, late nights (with a body that wouldn't adjust it's clock), and lots of time with the same people. So there was lots of tiredness and emotions running, at least through me. But all in all, it was an amazing trip to LA. Even though I probably was a "tourist", I didn't feel like one. I felt as if I was actually getting stuff done, doing business, which I was by making little connections here and there. And to top it all off, I was able to spend an evening with my best friend who lives in LA, which was so wonderful!
So, while the rest of the group flew back to Grand Rapids, I flew home to Oregon for a couple nights, just to see family and what few friends I could make time for. This is when the real emotions set in. I was able to see my family, talk with them a bit about life, even though its not much because they are all busy and tired, and I am tired. It's a weird moment when you sit back and realize you're leading a completely different life from your family, that they don't understand the inside jokes, that they don't completely connect on the same level you used to with them. Then came the second wave of emotions. I was able to drive down to Cannon Beach and see some of my old classmates from last year, people I haven't seen in a year. People I've loved, people I've held, people I've grown with. Guys I've spent almost 7 months straight with, guys I've been able to talk late into the night with, guys I've learned with. Girls I've gotten to know on a more deeper level than any other girls I've known, girls I've learned with, even girls I've had crushes on! I was able to see some of the most best friends I've ever had. I was able to go back and be with the people I feel most at home with outside of my own family. I was able to walk on the beach with my friends. I was able to go tanning with my best friend. I was able to joke around with people who knew me better than anyone else. I was able to hang out with a whole group of people that love Jesus as much as I do, or more. I felt so comfortable, so at peace. And this was despite being somewhat of an outsider, as I've been gone from the Ecola bubble for an entire year, and they all have deepened those relationships that were started last year.
So I sit here in my parents house, thinking about all that has transpired, weeping because I've forgotten how much I've missed that world. These last months, I've forced those feelings of attachment out of my mind and heart, because I can't afford to keep them. It's too much stress, it's too much emotion to remember and long for it. But I can't do that anymore. Now I know that they are still there, lying dormant, ready to erupt out again. But I can't allow them to become powerful enough to slow me down as I go through life, longing for the "good old days". I have to see them as apart of me, apart of what made me who I am. Because that's just what Ecola was: It was my first step into a larger world. Compass is my second step. And so forth.
At the end of the day, my problem is right now, I feel lost. I look at my life and I don't know what's going on, but yet I do know. Last year, I went to Ecola Bible School. Last summer, I was on Ecola's summer ministry camp team. Now I'm in Grand Rapids going to a film school. A few months from now, I'll be moving to LA. And that's what I know. God is building me through experiences and teaching me to trust Him. Now I need to trust Him. I need to get into His Word. I need to pray. I can't let the excuse of "but it's hard not being a Bible school" stop me from pursuing Christ with everything I am, which when it comes down to it, I haven't. The Devil has been beating me down, and I've let it happen. I haven't been actively fighting the battles against him.
So pray for me. I need it. I need to be close to the Lord again, because I need Him and I miss Him.
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