Forward and Back

Wow! My 50th post in a little under 2 years! These last 2 years have really flown by... Seriously.

I've been having a hard time trying to figure out my future lately, which sounds dumb I know, but bare with me. I'm in Southern California, which I never would have seen coming 2 or 3 years ago. I'm not even completely sure how it happened. It was an idea, then we did it. Didn't really over think it. It was totally a God thing in that the idea took hold and stayed there, and I've been able to stay relatively plain free, not counting an internship last fall that didn't pay and living in a HORRIBLE hotel for 2 months with 3-4 guys at a time. So now I'm here, I have two roommates in NoHo, a job in WeHo, and friends I try to hang out with every week in Glendora. Cool.

But why am I here? It's irritating not to be able to see even a glimpse of the next chapter. I'm just kinda here, barely surviving. Which is fine, really. I've always had it easy-ish. It's good for me to be out here, battling the suckiness of real life and the real world. I feel very in the middle, just kinda floating. I see what my life used to be, and I'm waiting for what my life will be.

The future is interesting. I'll probably work for Quixote for a while, start getting into some Photo Assistant gigs, try to get some film set work as well. I'll definitely be trying to produce as many things as I can get my hands on, just so I can start getting my name out there. As for girls and relationships, who the heck knows... Eventually finding a wife is a huge goal for me. It doesn't have to be soon, but I'd at least like to start the ball rolling.. which seems to be an issue for me for whatever reason. So there's that short look into my mind on that subject.

Anyways, what started this whole blog for me was the past. I've done looking into my past a lot in the past couple years, but I never look past 2010. I feel that it's important that I start doing that. You can't know where are going until you accept your past. I don't like who I was before going to Ecola. I don't even really like who I was during Ecola. It was during SMT that I really found out who I truly am. But tonight, I was looking through old pictures of my high school youth group at Dilley Bible Church. I loved it there... I felt needed and important. Chris and Tonia Brown, the youth leaders, were the second biggest adult influences on me when I was growing up. I literally wouldn't be me without them. It was partly through them that I learned to see my worth in God's eyes, especially since I had such low self esteem in middle school and high school. It was through youth group that I deepened my desire to know God better, and was the source through with I eventually decided to go to Ecola, without which I literally would not be sitting here typing this blog.

I've learned to block out and not think about so much of my past, but I need to learn to go back, dig into it, and see what I can learn from it all. Because my past is the story about how I got here, and the set up for how I get to 1 year from now, or 5 years, or 10 and beyond. I thank God for all of the people that have helped me get to this place, a place I never ever would have expected in a million years to be. But God is cool like that. Out of nowhere, He can change your life forever. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes it's to help you grow through hardship. Either way, He loves you. He loves me. Without Him, I never would have got here (not to mention, without him I wouldn't exist, etc, but that's  not my point). His help is right there. All you have to do is reach out your hand and grab His and he will lead you exactly to where you need to be.