It's weird to look back to the beginning of this blog, to see how much I've changed in just 8 short months, and to think that my life is about to radically change once again in about 3 months.
I came here to Michigan, to film school, thinking that I had a handle on life, thinking that since I had been through a year of Bible school, I knew quite a bit about what I life is about, that I knew where my life was going and what it was about. But after 8 months of growing up, I sit here and type all of this out to tell you all one thing:
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
I thought I did. I really did. I got to go through one of the best Bible programs in the country and made friends with some of the best people I've ever known. I got to know the Bible pretty well, and I thought I had finally had the means to become a "good Christian person". HA. The very reason we need Christ is because we aren't good people, because we are SINNERS, because we turn our back on God constantly. Now, I'm not saying that we are destined to stay that way once be decide to follow Christ. Not at all. The second step to following Christ is to allow (yes, allow) God to start changing us on the inside out. All my life, I felt like a good person. I felt that I was doing well and that being a Christian was just logical. Who wouldn't want to be friends with the Creator of the universe? That's what I thought it was all about. you read your Bible, you pray, you go to church. It felt like there was a formula and I was following it well. But it always felt empty. I didn't understand why, but it did. When I went to Ecola, something clicked. God took me by the hand and lead me towards where He wants my relationship to be with Him. Slowly, over the course of those 7 months, He showed me things about Himself, about who He is, about what He wants us to be. And I rode that high, that feeling that God was physically with me all the time, that He wants me to walk with Him daily, that there was no way that I would possibly leave His side.
Then this year hit. Right out of the summer, I felt good. I was still riding the high, still loving God all the time, still wanting to constantly walk with Him. Then school hit. I got busy, distracted. It was easier to watch movies on my down time than to study the Bible or pray. I felt lonely, like I had nobody. I fought with impurity and swearing, and all of the things that entrapped me before Ecola, and even some things that still entrapped me while I was there. I prayed as much as could, but God felt distant, like He didn't want to be with me in Michigan. I had to constantly remind myself that God doesn't leave us, its us who shift our focus from Him.
And I still struggle with all that to an extent, actually to a very large extent. This life is hard. As Christians, we seem to think that our life will be roses and puppies, but it won't. We have chosen a path that is hard, a path that challenges us, a path that is not of this earth. God uses all the times and circumstances to teach us and grow us into the men and women we are destined to be. We may not be able to see what it all means for us right now, but it's building to something huge, whether that thing happens here in our lifetime, or in heaven.
I've also learned that I really don't know anything about myself.
Every time I think I know who I am, I am disproven. This year has been a big time of learning about the ins and outs of how the human brain works, how my brain works. What turns me on, what puts me off, what makes me who I am. And it's a hard experience. It's tough learning about how corrupt you are. If last year was about learning about God and His incredible grace, this year has been about learning where He applies it. And boy does He apply it. We took a test this week in a class about how ethical we think we are. And it was hard because I know where I want to be, but I also know where I actually am, so I gave myself a rough score. Yet, I was thought of by some as one of the most ethical people in the class. That's hard to hear in many ways because I know who I am deep inside, and it sure as heck isn't ethical at all. I know how much work I have to do, how much pain and fire I will have to go through in my lifetime, because I am a sinful man, I am a corrupt man. God has plenty of work to do in me before I'm ready to stand before His Throne.
And then there's film itself.
I really don't know anything about film. We grow up, we see a lot of movies, we read a lot of books. As we get older, we seem to think we know about films and the way they should or should not be made, and we get upset when a movie is terrible or when the right movies aren't made. The whole industry looks manipulated and we are forced to go see things we don't want to see. I am here to tell you that that is all wrong. We don't know how Hollywood works. We don't know what makes a good movie or not. Hollywood is there to make money, pure and simple. And the reason most films get made is because of money. Its all based on whether something will make money or not. I've learned this year that I know nothing about how it all works. And I still don't. I know nothing about Producing, about film, about people. I still have a long journey ahead of me.
I've also learned that the film industry is really really weird. It's such an off the wall industry. Most of the time, I don't even know why it exists. But people want an escape. People don't like the real world. That's why there's film. People want a way not to think about their life. They want their lives to be more exciting than they actually are. So we watch sexy stars save the world and get the girl, because deep inside, that's what we all want.
This all probably seems like I'm lost. Maybe I am. In some ways, it's true. But I think that these are the times that God needs me to go though. These are some of the things God wants me to understand before I go off into the real world next August.
And since God's behind all of it, good. I'd have it no other way.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Home?
Home. I've been thinking a lot about what that means this year. It's a strange term. The dictionary definition of 'home' is "the place where one lives permanently." However, in this day and age, we seem to ascribe a deeper meaning to it, making it a word that describes how we feel about a place more than actually what it is.
When we grow up, the majority of people grow up in a home of some sort, a place where, at least in my experience, I felt comfortable. It was a place where I felt safe. It was a place I could go out into the backyard and pretend to be a Jedi, or where I could go into my room and cry, or where I could sit down at the dinner table and eat a delicious meal made by my loving mother. It was also a place where I would be disciplined if I did wrong, a place I knew that if I screwed up, I would be set right, even if there was pain involved. When you get into your teenage years, most want nothing more than to get out on their own, to set out and forge a new path away from their family. And so, after 18 years, I did just that.
My next adventure was moving an hour away and living in a small beach town called Cannon Beach, where I attended a small Bible school called Ecola. I packed up what I needed and set out to be my own man. Well, it turns out that being only an hour away from home hardly counts as being my own man. However, I did find a whole new family down there at the beach, a place where i could call home. Being able to be in a place where 120 other people loved Jesus as much as I do, and learning and growing in the Word for 7 straight months, its an experience that few people get to experience. So many people don't like to go to church because it's boring, or feels meaningless, or there is just too much drama. Sadly, these things can be true, and are true for the majority of churches. Ecola was different. Everybody loved each other, everybody wanted to see the best in others, everybody just wanted to be there worshiping God. you can't find environments like that very many places. Sure, it wasn't perfect, but it was darn near close. The closest I've ever seen or been to heaven.
Then I set out on the road for the summer with 4 of my friends to do 8 different summer camps for 8 weeks. It was exhausting, but I felt at home with my dear brother and sisters. We never stayed in one place for longer than a week straight, but I still felt that that van in some ways was a home in itself.
Then came this year. This year I've been in Michigan going to Compass College. I've been making films and learning tons. In fact, this is the longest I've lived in the same place since the summer after high school. Yet, I don't feel at home. I've always felt restless here. I've been trying to figure out why for the last 9 months.
And then, this morning, it hit me.
When I lived in my home town, I had my family to shelter me when times got tough. When I lived in Cannon Beach, I had the option of going to virtually an entire 120 student school to shelter me when times got tough. And during last summer, times were tough for 8 weeks, but I had my teammates to lean upon. But here.. here I don't really have anyone to lean upon incredibly. I have friends I can talk to, but I, being an introvert, either need time to myself or time with people I love to fill up my batteries. I've had people like that all my life, people I could go to to feel better or just to rest with. But this year, I don't have anyone around to fill me up. Everyone around me drains me. And that sucks. It's really no way to live. In fact, in the long run, it's a horrible way to live.
So where is home for me now? Honestly, I'm not sure. When I've gone home the couple times I have this year, it's been nice. I've definitely been filled up by being with family again. But it's still not the same as it once was. Just like my life has gone on, so has theirs. But that's life, right? And I did get to go back to Ecola for a day, and it was amazing. I tear up just thinking about being with those wonderful people again. But it was also different. They had grown up a year more, just as I had. They were on their way out to start their real lives, just as I had done a year before. So it was also different. Though the people had so much love, the town was still felt to small for me, like I needed to use all of my potencial elsewhere.
So where is home for me now? Honestly, I'm still not sure. Home will be a place where I am loved and won't be drained by those people. Home might be a new group of friends I find when I move back west. Or maybe I have to wait until I find my wife to find a home again.
Only God knows.
I take comfort in knowing I was created by a God who loves me enough to die for me, and then follow up constantly on how I'm doing, giving and taking away the whole time. I know that all of these things I go through, all of the hard times, all of the confusing times, all of the good times, all of the reunions, I know that all of these things have a purpose. They are all building me into a man, the man I originally set out to be 19 months ago.
When we grow up, the majority of people grow up in a home of some sort, a place where, at least in my experience, I felt comfortable. It was a place where I felt safe. It was a place I could go out into the backyard and pretend to be a Jedi, or where I could go into my room and cry, or where I could sit down at the dinner table and eat a delicious meal made by my loving mother. It was also a place where I would be disciplined if I did wrong, a place I knew that if I screwed up, I would be set right, even if there was pain involved. When you get into your teenage years, most want nothing more than to get out on their own, to set out and forge a new path away from their family. And so, after 18 years, I did just that.
My next adventure was moving an hour away and living in a small beach town called Cannon Beach, where I attended a small Bible school called Ecola. I packed up what I needed and set out to be my own man. Well, it turns out that being only an hour away from home hardly counts as being my own man. However, I did find a whole new family down there at the beach, a place where i could call home. Being able to be in a place where 120 other people loved Jesus as much as I do, and learning and growing in the Word for 7 straight months, its an experience that few people get to experience. So many people don't like to go to church because it's boring, or feels meaningless, or there is just too much drama. Sadly, these things can be true, and are true for the majority of churches. Ecola was different. Everybody loved each other, everybody wanted to see the best in others, everybody just wanted to be there worshiping God. you can't find environments like that very many places. Sure, it wasn't perfect, but it was darn near close. The closest I've ever seen or been to heaven.
Then I set out on the road for the summer with 4 of my friends to do 8 different summer camps for 8 weeks. It was exhausting, but I felt at home with my dear brother and sisters. We never stayed in one place for longer than a week straight, but I still felt that that van in some ways was a home in itself.
Then came this year. This year I've been in Michigan going to Compass College. I've been making films and learning tons. In fact, this is the longest I've lived in the same place since the summer after high school. Yet, I don't feel at home. I've always felt restless here. I've been trying to figure out why for the last 9 months.
And then, this morning, it hit me.
When I lived in my home town, I had my family to shelter me when times got tough. When I lived in Cannon Beach, I had the option of going to virtually an entire 120 student school to shelter me when times got tough. And during last summer, times were tough for 8 weeks, but I had my teammates to lean upon. But here.. here I don't really have anyone to lean upon incredibly. I have friends I can talk to, but I, being an introvert, either need time to myself or time with people I love to fill up my batteries. I've had people like that all my life, people I could go to to feel better or just to rest with. But this year, I don't have anyone around to fill me up. Everyone around me drains me. And that sucks. It's really no way to live. In fact, in the long run, it's a horrible way to live.
So where is home for me now? Honestly, I'm not sure. When I've gone home the couple times I have this year, it's been nice. I've definitely been filled up by being with family again. But it's still not the same as it once was. Just like my life has gone on, so has theirs. But that's life, right? And I did get to go back to Ecola for a day, and it was amazing. I tear up just thinking about being with those wonderful people again. But it was also different. They had grown up a year more, just as I had. They were on their way out to start their real lives, just as I had done a year before. So it was also different. Though the people had so much love, the town was still felt to small for me, like I needed to use all of my potencial elsewhere.
So where is home for me now? Honestly, I'm still not sure. Home will be a place where I am loved and won't be drained by those people. Home might be a new group of friends I find when I move back west. Or maybe I have to wait until I find my wife to find a home again.
Only God knows.
I take comfort in knowing I was created by a God who loves me enough to die for me, and then follow up constantly on how I'm doing, giving and taking away the whole time. I know that all of these things I go through, all of the hard times, all of the confusing times, all of the good times, all of the reunions, I know that all of these things have a purpose. They are all building me into a man, the man I originally set out to be 19 months ago.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Whirlwind of Untitled Emotions
I set out to write a blog about how I feel about life right now, but I'm not sure how to do that right off, mostly because I don't know how to describe it. So here goes a try at it....
Wow. This week has possibly been the craziest week of my life. This was the week that I went to LA with Compass College students and teachers to meet people in the industry, visit studios, and get a feel for what life really is like in Hollywood. And quite frankly, without this trip, I really think I would have been completely lost in the process of moving, settling in, and getting internships and jobs. The wisdom and the knowledge we have acquired on this trip is completely invaluable, and all of it will be applied to what I do and how I do things when I move to LA next August. It also was a crazy emotion trip. Arriving in LAX, feeling the warm dry air. Ahh. It was magical. It felt like I was ready to go conquer the world. The first 3 full days were very encouraging, full of hope for the future, full of "you can do it"s. The 4rd full day was the day of "Ohh shoot... what am I doing...". And the last day was another high day. Plus there was the flying time, late nights (with a body that wouldn't adjust it's clock), and lots of time with the same people. So there was lots of tiredness and emotions running, at least through me. But all in all, it was an amazing trip to LA. Even though I probably was a "tourist", I didn't feel like one. I felt as if I was actually getting stuff done, doing business, which I was by making little connections here and there. And to top it all off, I was able to spend an evening with my best friend who lives in LA, which was so wonderful!
So, while the rest of the group flew back to Grand Rapids, I flew home to Oregon for a couple nights, just to see family and what few friends I could make time for. This is when the real emotions set in. I was able to see my family, talk with them a bit about life, even though its not much because they are all busy and tired, and I am tired. It's a weird moment when you sit back and realize you're leading a completely different life from your family, that they don't understand the inside jokes, that they don't completely connect on the same level you used to with them. Then came the second wave of emotions. I was able to drive down to Cannon Beach and see some of my old classmates from last year, people I haven't seen in a year. People I've loved, people I've held, people I've grown with. Guys I've spent almost 7 months straight with, guys I've been able to talk late into the night with, guys I've learned with. Girls I've gotten to know on a more deeper level than any other girls I've known, girls I've learned with, even girls I've had crushes on! I was able to see some of the most best friends I've ever had. I was able to go back and be with the people I feel most at home with outside of my own family. I was able to walk on the beach with my friends. I was able to go tanning with my best friend. I was able to joke around with people who knew me better than anyone else. I was able to hang out with a whole group of people that love Jesus as much as I do, or more. I felt so comfortable, so at peace. And this was despite being somewhat of an outsider, as I've been gone from the Ecola bubble for an entire year, and they all have deepened those relationships that were started last year.
So I sit here in my parents house, thinking about all that has transpired, weeping because I've forgotten how much I've missed that world. These last months, I've forced those feelings of attachment out of my mind and heart, because I can't afford to keep them. It's too much stress, it's too much emotion to remember and long for it. But I can't do that anymore. Now I know that they are still there, lying dormant, ready to erupt out again. But I can't allow them to become powerful enough to slow me down as I go through life, longing for the "good old days". I have to see them as apart of me, apart of what made me who I am. Because that's just what Ecola was: It was my first step into a larger world. Compass is my second step. And so forth.
At the end of the day, my problem is right now, I feel lost. I look at my life and I don't know what's going on, but yet I do know. Last year, I went to Ecola Bible School. Last summer, I was on Ecola's summer ministry camp team. Now I'm in Grand Rapids going to a film school. A few months from now, I'll be moving to LA. And that's what I know. God is building me through experiences and teaching me to trust Him. Now I need to trust Him. I need to get into His Word. I need to pray. I can't let the excuse of "but it's hard not being a Bible school" stop me from pursuing Christ with everything I am, which when it comes down to it, I haven't. The Devil has been beating me down, and I've let it happen. I haven't been actively fighting the battles against him.
So pray for me. I need it. I need to be close to the Lord again, because I need Him and I miss Him.
Wow. This week has possibly been the craziest week of my life. This was the week that I went to LA with Compass College students and teachers to meet people in the industry, visit studios, and get a feel for what life really is like in Hollywood. And quite frankly, without this trip, I really think I would have been completely lost in the process of moving, settling in, and getting internships and jobs. The wisdom and the knowledge we have acquired on this trip is completely invaluable, and all of it will be applied to what I do and how I do things when I move to LA next August. It also was a crazy emotion trip. Arriving in LAX, feeling the warm dry air. Ahh. It was magical. It felt like I was ready to go conquer the world. The first 3 full days were very encouraging, full of hope for the future, full of "you can do it"s. The 4rd full day was the day of "Ohh shoot... what am I doing...". And the last day was another high day. Plus there was the flying time, late nights (with a body that wouldn't adjust it's clock), and lots of time with the same people. So there was lots of tiredness and emotions running, at least through me. But all in all, it was an amazing trip to LA. Even though I probably was a "tourist", I didn't feel like one. I felt as if I was actually getting stuff done, doing business, which I was by making little connections here and there. And to top it all off, I was able to spend an evening with my best friend who lives in LA, which was so wonderful!
So, while the rest of the group flew back to Grand Rapids, I flew home to Oregon for a couple nights, just to see family and what few friends I could make time for. This is when the real emotions set in. I was able to see my family, talk with them a bit about life, even though its not much because they are all busy and tired, and I am tired. It's a weird moment when you sit back and realize you're leading a completely different life from your family, that they don't understand the inside jokes, that they don't completely connect on the same level you used to with them. Then came the second wave of emotions. I was able to drive down to Cannon Beach and see some of my old classmates from last year, people I haven't seen in a year. People I've loved, people I've held, people I've grown with. Guys I've spent almost 7 months straight with, guys I've been able to talk late into the night with, guys I've learned with. Girls I've gotten to know on a more deeper level than any other girls I've known, girls I've learned with, even girls I've had crushes on! I was able to see some of the most best friends I've ever had. I was able to go back and be with the people I feel most at home with outside of my own family. I was able to walk on the beach with my friends. I was able to go tanning with my best friend. I was able to joke around with people who knew me better than anyone else. I was able to hang out with a whole group of people that love Jesus as much as I do, or more. I felt so comfortable, so at peace. And this was despite being somewhat of an outsider, as I've been gone from the Ecola bubble for an entire year, and they all have deepened those relationships that were started last year.
So I sit here in my parents house, thinking about all that has transpired, weeping because I've forgotten how much I've missed that world. These last months, I've forced those feelings of attachment out of my mind and heart, because I can't afford to keep them. It's too much stress, it's too much emotion to remember and long for it. But I can't do that anymore. Now I know that they are still there, lying dormant, ready to erupt out again. But I can't allow them to become powerful enough to slow me down as I go through life, longing for the "good old days". I have to see them as apart of me, apart of what made me who I am. Because that's just what Ecola was: It was my first step into a larger world. Compass is my second step. And so forth.
At the end of the day, my problem is right now, I feel lost. I look at my life and I don't know what's going on, but yet I do know. Last year, I went to Ecola Bible School. Last summer, I was on Ecola's summer ministry camp team. Now I'm in Grand Rapids going to a film school. A few months from now, I'll be moving to LA. And that's what I know. God is building me through experiences and teaching me to trust Him. Now I need to trust Him. I need to get into His Word. I need to pray. I can't let the excuse of "but it's hard not being a Bible school" stop me from pursuing Christ with everything I am, which when it comes down to it, I haven't. The Devil has been beating me down, and I've let it happen. I haven't been actively fighting the battles against him.
So pray for me. I need it. I need to be close to the Lord again, because I need Him and I miss Him.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Who Is It For?
Film.
Movies.
Entertainment.
This is my life.
As an up and coming film maker, it's easy to take your focus off what is important in life. In fact, I'm sure that's true of any filmmaker at any age. It's so easy to fall so deeply into the worlds we create for ourselves. It's easy to forget that we are the weird people who know way too much about films and how they work or should work. It's easy to think that it's our opinions that matter.
But is it our opinions that matter? That's a question I think that every film maker has to discover the answer to. Film makers tend to fall into the 'pompous jackass' category of human beings. We don't mean to be, really! It's just that when you discover the inner workings of the hugest form of entertainment, it's hard not to feel better than other people. It's been something I've been learning not to be this year, and I feel that God is bringing me largely out of that frame of mind. Frankly, I don't want to feel "better" than any one else. That isn't a right thing to do. Just because I know how the 180 degree rule works, or how the hero's journey goes, or know what 'greeking' is, or what exactly a crafty or 1st AD is, that doesn't make me better than anyone. That doesn't make any of us better than anyone. But the feeling comes naturally because it feels so cool to know how an industry works that the majority of people in the world thinks comes about by magic (not really, but you get my point).
So, back to the original question: Who's opinion matters in the world of film? There are a few different parties in this. There are the masses who go to theaters to enjoy a movie, there are the percentage of masses who know what makes a film good or bad, and then there are the film makers. So which one do you aim at? The answer for the majority of films today is to the general masses. That's where the money comes from. That's why things like 'Twilight' and 'Transformers' get made, and are popular, because they know what people want and what they will pay for, even if it is, in my humble opinion, crap. Meanwhile, there are those who understand movies and know what goes into a good movie, but their opinions aren't usually ones that matter, except for when they are the ones to write reviews or entertainment magazines. And then there are the film makers, who are probably the most judgmental of the groups, because not only do we know film and story, but we also always feel like "If I had the chance, I could do so much better..".
So who are films for? What should our motivation be? Should it be money? Should it be quality? Should it be sending a message?
I know what I want my ultimate motivation to be: To bring glory to God. At the end of the day, that should be what we do all this for. I want everything I do to bring glory to God, especially the films I make. I can only pray that I can do that, and I truly believe that if your heart is lined up with what God wants, you also line up with His will.
"Love God and do as you please." If you love God, that means you want to please Him, thus doing what you please also pleases God.
That's what I want.
Movies.
Entertainment.
This is my life.
As an up and coming film maker, it's easy to take your focus off what is important in life. In fact, I'm sure that's true of any filmmaker at any age. It's so easy to fall so deeply into the worlds we create for ourselves. It's easy to forget that we are the weird people who know way too much about films and how they work or should work. It's easy to think that it's our opinions that matter.
But is it our opinions that matter? That's a question I think that every film maker has to discover the answer to. Film makers tend to fall into the 'pompous jackass' category of human beings. We don't mean to be, really! It's just that when you discover the inner workings of the hugest form of entertainment, it's hard not to feel better than other people. It's been something I've been learning not to be this year, and I feel that God is bringing me largely out of that frame of mind. Frankly, I don't want to feel "better" than any one else. That isn't a right thing to do. Just because I know how the 180 degree rule works, or how the hero's journey goes, or know what 'greeking' is, or what exactly a crafty or 1st AD is, that doesn't make me better than anyone. That doesn't make any of us better than anyone. But the feeling comes naturally because it feels so cool to know how an industry works that the majority of people in the world thinks comes about by magic (not really, but you get my point).
So, back to the original question: Who's opinion matters in the world of film? There are a few different parties in this. There are the masses who go to theaters to enjoy a movie, there are the percentage of masses who know what makes a film good or bad, and then there are the film makers. So which one do you aim at? The answer for the majority of films today is to the general masses. That's where the money comes from. That's why things like 'Twilight' and 'Transformers' get made, and are popular, because they know what people want and what they will pay for, even if it is, in my humble opinion, crap. Meanwhile, there are those who understand movies and know what goes into a good movie, but their opinions aren't usually ones that matter, except for when they are the ones to write reviews or entertainment magazines. And then there are the film makers, who are probably the most judgmental of the groups, because not only do we know film and story, but we also always feel like "If I had the chance, I could do so much better..".
So who are films for? What should our motivation be? Should it be money? Should it be quality? Should it be sending a message?
I know what I want my ultimate motivation to be: To bring glory to God. At the end of the day, that should be what we do all this for. I want everything I do to bring glory to God, especially the films I make. I can only pray that I can do that, and I truly believe that if your heart is lined up with what God wants, you also line up with His will.
"Love God and do as you please." If you love God, that means you want to please Him, thus doing what you please also pleases God.
That's what I want.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Ink Off My Chest
When you have a blog which people actually read, you must be careful of what you write, especially when approaching things that you want to get off your chest. As quoted from 'Social Network' by Rooney Mara's character: "The internet is not written in pencil, it's written in ink."
But I need to do this, so here goes nothing.
It's strange the way life works. At least mine is. As a general standard throughout my life, the best times have also been at the same time as my worst times. For example, SMT last summer was one of the best experiences of my life, but it was also one of the most trying. And I have solidified in my mind that, yes, I am an artist. How do I know? Because I tend to be very bi-polar, like most artists. (Just look at David's psalms!)
The same goes for this year. Being here in Michigan has been extremely hard for me. Yet being able to be in a film school, learning the basics with a faculty who actually cares, has also been a huge blessing. Let's face it: not many people get to go into an industry that they are completely in love with.
This last week has been filled with some of the highest highs I've had in a long time, but it's also brought some of the lowest lows I've had in a long time.
Last week, I was chosen to be one of five producers for Compass College's 2012 Thesis films. This is a huge honor, and has been a huge whirlwind of craziness. In a matter of a week, pitched ourselves, been chosen, we've chosen stories, and are about to choose our Directors and Writers. It's a huge amount of stress, probably the most I've been under ever. And this month is the easy month. Don't get me wrong, I want this. I want to learn how to be an amazing producers. It's what I want to do for the rest of my life. (Sometimes I wonder if I'm just plain crazy, but God made me this way for a reason haha)
This last weekend, I got to go to Moran Park Church and ran slideshow for the first time since high school. And boy was it great! It felt so good to be apart of a ministry again, which is something I have longed for for the last 7 months. And the church is filled with a fire for God, an amazing fire you rarely find in this country anymore! I am so blessed to be able to be apart of that church now!
I miss the west coast. I miss Oregon specifically. That's been the single hardest part about this year. The mid-west is just... bland. It's boring. It's entrapping. I've never felt settled here. This entire year, I've felt like my apartment is just some place I'm sleeping. It's never felt like home. And Grand Rapids is the same way. The loyalty that Michiganders have to this state astounds me. And it's a good thing, cause otherwise I guarantee that no one would live here. Cause it sucks. There's nothing here, nothing worth while. And even the things that it does have, other states do it better anyways! So why stay here at all? I see no reason. None at all.
I've been talking to a girl a lot. Not many people know about this. And since not many people read this, I know that after I post this, not a lot of people will still know. We're very much in the beginning stages of being friends, but we both know where we'd like to see this go. She's wonderful! She's been exactly the support I've needed in these last few weeks, and I thank God for her every day. But we both have a ton of growing up to do before we pursue a dating relationship. But that's ok. I want to be the best man I can be before we consider being serious in any way. I pray that God will be glorified in this.
I think the biggest thing that's hit me this week has been my best friend here in Michigan leaving. He's been going through some stuff this year, and the drama we've had over a particular story he wrote for thesis made him feel that it was time to leave. I am a very emotional person. I get attached fast. Adam has been a rock for me this year, a guy I can go to with anything, whatever it may be. God, girls, or just complaints about life. And now that's gone. I won't pretend to be happy about it. I'm not. But I know he needs to get out of Michigan more than I do. He is going to be used by God in so many ways! He's an amazing musician and I know for a fact that God will use that to effect a lot of lives, and will influence many people to want to praise God!
God is in control. I know He is for a fact. There's no way He couldn't be, just from watching my own life, let alone everything else! Life is hard. It just is. And I'm learning how to deal with it, situation by situation. I know I'll be stronger for this time in my life, and will soon feel like nothing. I just pray for the strength to get through it.
God is good! And who are we not to trust Him?
But I need to do this, so here goes nothing.
It's strange the way life works. At least mine is. As a general standard throughout my life, the best times have also been at the same time as my worst times. For example, SMT last summer was one of the best experiences of my life, but it was also one of the most trying. And I have solidified in my mind that, yes, I am an artist. How do I know? Because I tend to be very bi-polar, like most artists. (Just look at David's psalms!)
The same goes for this year. Being here in Michigan has been extremely hard for me. Yet being able to be in a film school, learning the basics with a faculty who actually cares, has also been a huge blessing. Let's face it: not many people get to go into an industry that they are completely in love with.
This last week has been filled with some of the highest highs I've had in a long time, but it's also brought some of the lowest lows I've had in a long time.
Last week, I was chosen to be one of five producers for Compass College's 2012 Thesis films. This is a huge honor, and has been a huge whirlwind of craziness. In a matter of a week, pitched ourselves, been chosen, we've chosen stories, and are about to choose our Directors and Writers. It's a huge amount of stress, probably the most I've been under ever. And this month is the easy month. Don't get me wrong, I want this. I want to learn how to be an amazing producers. It's what I want to do for the rest of my life. (Sometimes I wonder if I'm just plain crazy, but God made me this way for a reason haha)
This last weekend, I got to go to Moran Park Church and ran slideshow for the first time since high school. And boy was it great! It felt so good to be apart of a ministry again, which is something I have longed for for the last 7 months. And the church is filled with a fire for God, an amazing fire you rarely find in this country anymore! I am so blessed to be able to be apart of that church now!
I miss the west coast. I miss Oregon specifically. That's been the single hardest part about this year. The mid-west is just... bland. It's boring. It's entrapping. I've never felt settled here. This entire year, I've felt like my apartment is just some place I'm sleeping. It's never felt like home. And Grand Rapids is the same way. The loyalty that Michiganders have to this state astounds me. And it's a good thing, cause otherwise I guarantee that no one would live here. Cause it sucks. There's nothing here, nothing worth while. And even the things that it does have, other states do it better anyways! So why stay here at all? I see no reason. None at all.
I've been talking to a girl a lot. Not many people know about this. And since not many people read this, I know that after I post this, not a lot of people will still know. We're very much in the beginning stages of being friends, but we both know where we'd like to see this go. She's wonderful! She's been exactly the support I've needed in these last few weeks, and I thank God for her every day. But we both have a ton of growing up to do before we pursue a dating relationship. But that's ok. I want to be the best man I can be before we consider being serious in any way. I pray that God will be glorified in this.
I think the biggest thing that's hit me this week has been my best friend here in Michigan leaving. He's been going through some stuff this year, and the drama we've had over a particular story he wrote for thesis made him feel that it was time to leave. I am a very emotional person. I get attached fast. Adam has been a rock for me this year, a guy I can go to with anything, whatever it may be. God, girls, or just complaints about life. And now that's gone. I won't pretend to be happy about it. I'm not. But I know he needs to get out of Michigan more than I do. He is going to be used by God in so many ways! He's an amazing musician and I know for a fact that God will use that to effect a lot of lives, and will influence many people to want to praise God!
God is in control. I know He is for a fact. There's no way He couldn't be, just from watching my own life, let alone everything else! Life is hard. It just is. And I'm learning how to deal with it, situation by situation. I know I'll be stronger for this time in my life, and will soon feel like nothing. I just pray for the strength to get through it.
God is good! And who are we not to trust Him?
Friday, March 9, 2012
VIDEO LINK: Mighty.
Also for this evening, here is the link to a video I made for directing class. It's about our view of God and how limited it is. I love how it turned out :)
Mighty.
Mighty.
Settling
During the last 6 months here in Michigan and at Compass College, I've learned more about myself than I have ever before. I have changed so much in who I am, how I carry myself, what I see myself as. Because of the ever present reality that is Facebook in my life, I see pictures of myself in high school, at Ecola last year, and on SMT. And strangely enough, the person I see in those pictures is not the same person I see in the mirror. Maybe that's because I didn't have the pathetic excuse for a beard then I have now, but I'm pretty sure it runs deeper than that. But one big thing that has stuck itself out to me recently is my ever present desire not to settle.
First off, I will not settle for a 'normal' faith in God. My soul desire in my life and in my prayers is to be more than just an average joe Christian. Too many Christians are stagnant in their faith, lukewarm. I don't want to be that. Revelation 3:16 says "So, because you are lukewarm- neither hot or cold- I am about to spit you out of my mouth." I don't know exactly what that means or entails, but whatever it is, I don't want any part of it! I want to be a man after God's own heart. I pray for that as often as I think of it, which is probably at least every day. And God shows me more and more how He is doing that in my life every day. I'm not perfect, I won't be until I get my new body when we are with Him in Eternity, but I strive to run the race as well as I can, even though He has to help me off the ground when I stumble everyday. I'm so thankful that we have such a loving God!
Second, I won't settle for anything less than the beautiful woman God has personally ordained to ultimately be my wife. I know that God has placed in my heart the desire to get married one day, to have a wife to love and support, and to have a wife that will love and support me. He knows that I will need it in the rough career I have ahead of me. I pray for her often, that she is being molded into the woman after God's own heart, a "P31" if you will. (Proverbs 31:10-31) And I know that she will be the fit for me, and I for her, but only when the time is right for us to either meet, or realize that we've known each other all along. While she will have a strong relationship with the Lord and a strength that I will need, I know that she will be incredibly beautiful. It's something that's been programed into me: a desire for beauty. I've been told here that that makes me shallow, that I look at the outside too much. Is that true? Possibly, especially in my immaturity now. But outer beauty, while inner beauty outweighs outer, is still very much a factor for me, probably because I was raised on the west coast and the way we view relationships is so different from one end of the US to the other. So, what I'm trying to say is that I won't settle for anyone but the beautiful woman God has been molding just for me.
Third, I won't settle for an ordinary career. I'm not the type of person who can just be some guy in a sound department, or a desk clerk in a cubical. I want to be extraordinary. I want to participate in making films that change lives. I want to produce works that make people change their outlooks on life. I want to sore high in life and show off my Creator. I want to be all that God will allow me to be. I want to dream big and see to it that those dreams come true. I want to use the power given to me to grow various ministries, and to grow apart of various outreaches. I want to be abnormal to the environment I will reside in. I want to be peculiar. I want to make people ask, "What is this guy's deal? What drives him?" I want to show the world who Jesus Christ is by my actions and by what I do and by what I say. I want to be all that God's will allow me to be.
I am not one who will settle for less than these. I pray that God uses these ambitions for His glory, not mine.
"Not to us, but to Your Name be the glory."
First off, I will not settle for a 'normal' faith in God. My soul desire in my life and in my prayers is to be more than just an average joe Christian. Too many Christians are stagnant in their faith, lukewarm. I don't want to be that. Revelation 3:16 says "So, because you are lukewarm- neither hot or cold- I am about to spit you out of my mouth." I don't know exactly what that means or entails, but whatever it is, I don't want any part of it! I want to be a man after God's own heart. I pray for that as often as I think of it, which is probably at least every day. And God shows me more and more how He is doing that in my life every day. I'm not perfect, I won't be until I get my new body when we are with Him in Eternity, but I strive to run the race as well as I can, even though He has to help me off the ground when I stumble everyday. I'm so thankful that we have such a loving God!
Second, I won't settle for anything less than the beautiful woman God has personally ordained to ultimately be my wife. I know that God has placed in my heart the desire to get married one day, to have a wife to love and support, and to have a wife that will love and support me. He knows that I will need it in the rough career I have ahead of me. I pray for her often, that she is being molded into the woman after God's own heart, a "P31" if you will. (Proverbs 31:10-31) And I know that she will be the fit for me, and I for her, but only when the time is right for us to either meet, or realize that we've known each other all along. While she will have a strong relationship with the Lord and a strength that I will need, I know that she will be incredibly beautiful. It's something that's been programed into me: a desire for beauty. I've been told here that that makes me shallow, that I look at the outside too much. Is that true? Possibly, especially in my immaturity now. But outer beauty, while inner beauty outweighs outer, is still very much a factor for me, probably because I was raised on the west coast and the way we view relationships is so different from one end of the US to the other. So, what I'm trying to say is that I won't settle for anyone but the beautiful woman God has been molding just for me.
Third, I won't settle for an ordinary career. I'm not the type of person who can just be some guy in a sound department, or a desk clerk in a cubical. I want to be extraordinary. I want to participate in making films that change lives. I want to produce works that make people change their outlooks on life. I want to sore high in life and show off my Creator. I want to be all that God will allow me to be. I want to dream big and see to it that those dreams come true. I want to use the power given to me to grow various ministries, and to grow apart of various outreaches. I want to be abnormal to the environment I will reside in. I want to be peculiar. I want to make people ask, "What is this guy's deal? What drives him?" I want to show the world who Jesus Christ is by my actions and by what I do and by what I say. I want to be all that God's will allow me to be.
I am not one who will settle for less than these. I pray that God uses these ambitions for His glory, not mine.
"Not to us, but to Your Name be the glory."
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