Weddings

Weddings have the strangest effect on people. There's something so magical to human beings about them. It's that age old occasion where masses of people come together to celebrate the union of (traditionally) a man and a woman who's love has transcended all others and have come together to commit to a lifetime of help, support, and unconditional love.

The effect these special days have on people come in all sorts and sizes, but no one ends up not effected in some way by the end of the day. Couples who attend usually think about the potential they have with their signifiant other. Singles who attend, whether content or not, end up thinking about who they will potentially marry and where they are at the moment. Married couples probably remember the good times they had when they got married themselves, and hopefully recommit to that love (I have never been in this position, so I don't actually know).

I know that for me personally, these last weeks since Benton and Kim Trerise's wedding have been very thought provoking in many ways. I've been so happy for them! These two have been a couple ever since I met them, and really, it was about time! But with any wedding, I started thinking about my own life, where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going.

These are the conclusions I have come to.

First off, I'm only 21 (22 tomorrow). Being single, as discontent as I can be about it, is FINE. I am really really young still, and I have a lot to experience and learn on my own before I get tied down, especially living and working in Hollywood. I am nowhere near ready to get married. Nowhere! Me being me, I know if I got married young, I might feel like I'm missing out on things. That, and I'm not mature enough. I'm such a child about many things. Yes, I've gotten better, but that still stands. I still have a lot of growing up to do before I'm ready to be the head of a household. Seriously. Also, I don't make enough money to support myself, let alone more than that. And my lifestyle is sporadic! I work, eat, sleep, hang out with friends. I barely have time to do all that. I mean, obviously things will change when I get married, but you all know what I mean.

When I discuss these things, it's mostly me reassuring myself that God does in fact have a plan for my dating and married life. For some reason its the area I have the most trouble in trusting God for. I guess it's been so "here and there" throughout my life, I just want to know when the next chapter starts. Or maybe it already has! I'll admit, sometimes I'll look at the passenger seat of my car or the left side of my bed and wonder who will one day fill it. I wonder it more times a week than I'd care to admit. Being with somebody is built into us. After all, God did create Eve because Adam was lonely, and God didn't like that in the least bit. So in those times that I do feel lonely, I don't feel bad about it, because I know that it's a God given feeling. But I trust Him. If He is aware enough to give Adam Eve, then I know He's waiting for the right time, the right moment to reveal who my "one" is. Maybe I have to date other girls before I find her or maybe she's the next girl. Maybe she's a close friend. Maybe she's a girl I know but don't talk to a lot. Or maybe I have yet to meet her. I have no idea. But what I do know is I want to become the best man I can, spiritually, physically, financially, and in leadership.

So bring it on life. Bring it. I'll be ready when the time comes.

Also, can I just say that I'm REALLY glad God is in charge and not me?

Forward and Back

Wow! My 50th post in a little under 2 years! These last 2 years have really flown by... Seriously.

I've been having a hard time trying to figure out my future lately, which sounds dumb I know, but bare with me. I'm in Southern California, which I never would have seen coming 2 or 3 years ago. I'm not even completely sure how it happened. It was an idea, then we did it. Didn't really over think it. It was totally a God thing in that the idea took hold and stayed there, and I've been able to stay relatively plain free, not counting an internship last fall that didn't pay and living in a HORRIBLE hotel for 2 months with 3-4 guys at a time. So now I'm here, I have two roommates in NoHo, a job in WeHo, and friends I try to hang out with every week in Glendora. Cool.

But why am I here? It's irritating not to be able to see even a glimpse of the next chapter. I'm just kinda here, barely surviving. Which is fine, really. I've always had it easy-ish. It's good for me to be out here, battling the suckiness of real life and the real world. I feel very in the middle, just kinda floating. I see what my life used to be, and I'm waiting for what my life will be.

The future is interesting. I'll probably work for Quixote for a while, start getting into some Photo Assistant gigs, try to get some film set work as well. I'll definitely be trying to produce as many things as I can get my hands on, just so I can start getting my name out there. As for girls and relationships, who the heck knows... Eventually finding a wife is a huge goal for me. It doesn't have to be soon, but I'd at least like to start the ball rolling.. which seems to be an issue for me for whatever reason. So there's that short look into my mind on that subject.

Anyways, what started this whole blog for me was the past. I've done looking into my past a lot in the past couple years, but I never look past 2010. I feel that it's important that I start doing that. You can't know where are going until you accept your past. I don't like who I was before going to Ecola. I don't even really like who I was during Ecola. It was during SMT that I really found out who I truly am. But tonight, I was looking through old pictures of my high school youth group at Dilley Bible Church. I loved it there... I felt needed and important. Chris and Tonia Brown, the youth leaders, were the second biggest adult influences on me when I was growing up. I literally wouldn't be me without them. It was partly through them that I learned to see my worth in God's eyes, especially since I had such low self esteem in middle school and high school. It was through youth group that I deepened my desire to know God better, and was the source through with I eventually decided to go to Ecola, without which I literally would not be sitting here typing this blog.

I've learned to block out and not think about so much of my past, but I need to learn to go back, dig into it, and see what I can learn from it all. Because my past is the story about how I got here, and the set up for how I get to 1 year from now, or 5 years, or 10 and beyond. I thank God for all of the people that have helped me get to this place, a place I never ever would have expected in a million years to be. But God is cool like that. Out of nowhere, He can change your life forever. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes it's to help you grow through hardship. Either way, He loves you. He loves me. Without Him, I never would have got here (not to mention, without him I wouldn't exist, etc, but that's  not my point). His help is right there. All you have to do is reach out your hand and grab His and he will lead you exactly to where you need to be.

Thank God For My Famil(ies).

I am an extremely family oriented guy. I always have been, always will be. I grew up very close to my parents, sister, and grandparents, and I'm still extremely close to them. In some ways, despite living 1000 miles away from them, I'm closer to them than ever before. I feel bad sometimes for moving away to Michigan and then California to pursue my so called "dreams". I feels selfish. And, at the very core of it, it is selfish. But, thank God, they understand better than anyone that I would be unhappy if I weren't out trying to make something more of my life. I have the most unbelievable family in the world! I really do :)

But because I'm away from them, there's a huge hole in my life. Family are the people that you can go to for help, for comfort, to laugh with, to cry with. Living in LA, I'm on my own.

Ok, that's not 100% true. In fact, that's what this blog is about. I have been blessed with a sort of surrogate family out here: The Trerise family. I can't tell you how much of a blessing they are in my life. Tonight, as I drove home from hanging out with them, I started tearing up. Not because I miss my family like crazy (which is totally true), not because I do feel very lonely out here sometimes (which tends to happen from time to time), but because I am so incredibly thankful for the Trerise's! Who knew that when I met Benton at Ecola Bible School almost 3 years ago that I would grow as close to him and his family as I am with my own family. Careth is like a second mom to me, Tim is like a second father to me, Judy is like a third grandmother to me, Tiffany is like a second sister, and Ryan is like the brother I never had. I would do anything for this family (including hours of wedding prep, which has happened a lot recently).

I am so incredibly thankful for where God has put me in this life. He's allowed me to move to Hollywood, given me a job, and has taken care of my needs, down to the detail of needing a type of family to lean on and to retreat to and hang out with when I need a safe place to go and rest. I look at my life, past and present, and I am amazed that I doubt God's provision for me at all. I mean really! How dare I not trust Him! Where He has brought me from and where He has brought me to is an incredible story of provision! God has got this! He's in complete control of life, the universe, and everything! How dare any of us question His ways. So many question God, asking 'how can He allow this of that?' He's God. Nothing can exist without him, even scientifically speaking. God is good. I'm so glad He's opened my heart to Him so I can experience His love on a personal level. You can have that too!

John 3:16- For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, so that whoever believes in Him will have everlasting life.

God loves you so much that He sacrificed Himself so that you could experience His love and look forward to spending eternity with Him. How awesome is that? I cannot even comprehend that. He's the best Father ever :)

'Merica

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a confession to make. Through my life, I've been very passive about my feelings for the country I live in, which for you random foreign readers, is the USA. I can't explain why. I mean, we are raised to love our country, and I certainly have the family background for it. One of my grandpa's was a career Navy man, and the other fought in the Army during the Korean War. My Dad applied to be in the Air Force, but was rejected due to eye sight issues (if I remember right). All throughout growing up, you say the Pledge of Allegiance day after day in elementary school, placing your hand over your heart, look a the American flag, and pledge yourself to the country. But I still never felt overly pledged to this country, not in my mind. And then, as I grew older, I started to see the screwed up way our country is governed. I grew up in a household during the Afghan and Iraqi Wars that would watch the news during dinner, usually ending with my Dad exclaiming "ARE THEY STUPID??" whenever George Bush spoke or did anything of any kind. Through my experiences growing up with parents that didn't ascribe to either Democrat or Republican, it really helped me come into my own research and thinking on anything having to do with politics. I think both sides aren't very good at their jobs. I think both sides can be right. But both sides can be VERY wrong ALL THE TIME. And then during SMT, the pastor who spoke at one of our camps wouldn't say the Pledge of Allegiance because he had "already pledged his life to Jesus", which got me thinking about how uncomfortable I always have been with it. And honestly, I haven't said the Pledge since then, just because I don't feel comfortable doing so. I'm not anti-American in any way, I just love Jesus WAYYYY more than this country. And countries aren't perfect. I mean, really, look at this place! Nowhere near a perfect entity that I'd want to pledge my heart and soul to.

Anyways, that was my life. The 4th of July was my sister's birthday. Yay, our country was created and we were free and there are fireworks, and for us, CAKE! I didn't get it. It was just how life was. Nothing more.

It wasn't until I moved to Southern California and started living truly on my own that it really clicked! I would go to work and realize "Man.. we can do ANYTHING in this country!" Do you know how trivial and stupid a career in film is? We shouldn't get paid for this! It's ridiculous! And yet, here I am, pursuing my dream because it's my right to do so. How awesome is that?!

So yes, this was the first 4th of July that I was truly thankful for living in the United States of America. We are truly blessed! Yes, I do think our time is coming. Every great empire falls eventually, and we are no different. But for now, I get to take advantage of this freedom and hopefully build a career, and a better world!

America is great. It really is. There is other place I'd rather live! But I am thankful for the perspective I have on it. I owe the majority of that to my father. Thanks, Dad :)

Past and Future.

Well, apparently I'm not going to bed as soon as I thought, as it's currently 2:30am. I got caught up in looking through old pictures, videos, notes, and statuses on Facebook tonight. It's incredible how much I have changed in just the last 2 to 3 years. 3 years ago, I had just graduated from high school, was working a summer job picking berries, and dating the only serious girlfriend I have ever had (before that or since then). 1 year ago, I was in the middle of producing Timeless, my thesis short film at Compass. 2 years ago, I was in the middle of Summer Ministry Team and was on my last day being a counselor at Lake Retreat in Washington, about to move on to Newport, Washington where I would meet my dear friends, the Fountain Family.

I'll be honest, I miss the past. It was so much simpler in so many ways. Now I have to worry about bills and surviving month to month, wondering if I will ever really make it in this crazy town of Hollywood. The past is safer, because I know how it ends. The future is scary. I don't know what's out there. I could end up jobless, dreamless, broke, and alone for all I know. Or I could be extremely successful, have everything I've ever dreamed, and effect people's lives. Or I could have a status quo job, with a wife, 2 kids, and a mortgage. Who knows! It could go so many different ways.

As previously posted, I've been slowly coming out of a fog. I've just been going, going, going without much outside thoughts on my life. But certain events have changed that recently, causing me to really look and think about where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going, and where I want to go for that matter. And again, it could go so many different ways. I hope and pray for my future all the time right now. I'm stuck in this in between stage of life, right after school, and right before success. It's irritating really, having to wait it out, to see what God has in store. But that's my life. This stage has come quicker to me than most of my peers. Most of my peers have either settled into their dead end job or are still in college, trying to figure out what the hell to do next. But for me, figuring out what is going on has been slammed on the table right in front of me. All I have to do is keep chugging along. If God wants me to get a big break, that's His prerogative. It's not on my shoulders to find my shot at the big leagues. That's not my responsibility. My responsibility is to be ready if it does come, and when it does, knock it out of the park with the skills that I have been building up for the last 22 years of my life.

So I will keep praying, keep working, and keep going, because God has big things in store for me. I just have to remember to trust that He knows how big of a thing I can handle. And if it is a small big thing, I can't be disappointed, but instead be the best steward of that gift I can possibly be.

Winds of Change.

If there's one thing I've always had trouble wrapping my head around, it's the ever changing state that life is. This trouble started back in my freshmen year of high school when I went into a deep depression that put me in a state of complete disbelief of my life and the events going on in it. After that, God had me go to Ecola Bible School, which opened up my world in ways I never possibly could have imagined, along with giving me this profound and undying joy for life. Then I did SMT, which gave me even more joy. But when that came to a sudden stop (like camp always does) and found my life totally switching gears into the world of film college within a week or two of each other, I found myself burying those emotions connected with dealing with change. Ever since the end of SMT (which is going on 2 years now), I've been in this state of just doing what I have to do without feeling any emotional tie to those feelings of change in my life. I've just done it, and tried to do it to the best of my ability.

But today, I think I'm finally gaining a little of that back. I am home in Oregon this weekend to see my sister graduate from high school. Ever since I touched down in Portland, I've felt this insane sense of "John, your life is headed in the exact right direction that it should be going. This world is big, and you're out there doing your thing, just like you're supposed to." Thats huge for me. I've felt like I've just been wandering around LA, randomly bumping into the right things at the right time somehow. But now, I feel... purpose driven. It was so much fun to talk to my immediate and extended family about what I'm doing with my life right now, and what a huge shot I have at actually being something. It was so much fun to talk to all of my cousins like we were equals, sharing crazy stories about the insane crap we've gotten into. The world is very small, and we're out there enjoying it each in our small ways. The Friend family has this destiny. I don't know what it is, but we do. And I'm so excited to see what it is.

God is opening up my world and mind again. I've been so closed off, so afraid of getting hurt or failing. Whether it has to do with my career, family, friends, or girls, I'm more ready for the big changes that are coming to my life. It feels like the quiet before the storm. The next 6 months, year, or even two years are going to be huge. I can feel it. It's a feeling I've been afraid of, but now that it's upon me, I'm so ready to embrace it. I want my career to launch. I want to love my family at all times. I want to grow as close to my friends as possible. I want to finally start dating again. I have this life I'm so ready to embrace living! I've been just floating through, trying to get to the next day to see if it will be better. I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to feel and fulfill my purposes and goals in life. I'm ready to stop being afraid that life is going to screw me over, and to start living to the fullest, to start taking chances, to dive in and see what happens in different situations!

I live too much in the past. I'm too often afraid of the future. Now is now, and now is where I live. So why should I be afraid? Instead, I want to laugh. I want to love. I want to live. So why not? What's stopping me? Fear? Screw fear. Fear gets me nowhere.

It's time for me to start jumping and embrace the change.

God: The Holy Attention Getter

God uses the craziest things to get our attention. Seriously.

Over the last months, I've been having a hard time trusting God, one side effect from that has been dealing with massive anxiety attacks. In the Bible, the apostle Paul talks about having a thorn that he has to deal with. We don't know exactly what that thorn is, but I know what mine is right now: anxiety. I've been slowly learning to deal with it, with the help of my family and friends. But anyways, it's been really hard to transition into life in here LA and Hollywood because I'm afraid to feel. Why? Because to feel would be to let emotions in, which in turn can get out of control, which can cause that pesky anxiety. And the root of all of that stems from not putting my full trust in God's plan for me.

I think what I hate the most about not trusting God is that I KNOW in my heart that that's the single only thing I can do. I know I believe in God, His grace, and His plan for me. I know that He's large and in charge. So why can't I just trust Him? Because my head hasn't been letting me. My life has been so crazy, with so much change in the last few years. Ever since I left home after high school, it's been non-stop change. I went to Ecola, my girlfriend broke up with me, I dated another girl, she broke up with me, Ecola ended, SMT training, SMT, moved to Michigan, attended Compass, produced a couple short films, graduated, moved to Los Angeles, was an intern, went home to Oregon for a month, came back to LA, lived with my best friend's family, worked a crap job, got a great new job, moved to North Hollywood, and have started pre-production on a short film. It's crazy! I literally have not had time to let things sink in for any amount of time for the last 2 years running. I've been just doing my thing and not really grasping that it's happening. And the same is true now.

But God can get your attention in the craziest ways.

This morning I watched the original The Omen. Now, I really did go into this movie with the mindset that it would probably be evil and bad and something "a Christian shouldn't watch". But as I watched the film, I found myself thinking about God's huge plan for the world. The Bible is incredibly plain spoken about God's plan. God knew from the beginning that the Lucifer would become the Devil and we would mess up at the whole perfection thing, so he put his plan into motion from the beginning. The Bible is the story of God constantly saying "Guys! I got this!" And the same is true all the way up to the end of the story, which most of is chronicled in the books of Daniel and Revelation. In these books, God speaks of an Antichrist which will rise and take over the world through peaceful means. You see, Lucifer fell because he became prideful and wanted to be like God. In the end times spoken of in the aforementioned books, Lucifer will be allowed to have his way with the world, but in the end, Christ will come down from heaven once again and kick the Devil's butt. There is much speculation about how the Devil will do all of this, but the story told in The Omen actually is a legitimate idea about how the Antichrist will arrive on Earth. You see, the Devil likes to copy God, possibly a way to prove that he is just as cool (which of course, he's not). So it is possible that the Devil will copy God and send his "son", just as God did with Christ.

This whole story line has gotten me thinking about the status of my trust in God. See, we know that God is in charge. He knows what is going to happen to the world from beginning to end, including how each and every one of our lives will go. Seeing how that is portrayed in The Omen, even though it's not a story about God, for me it was a reminder of how God knows exactly how the end times will play out and how He's in control of every aspect of it, even the Devil and Antichrist. God  is in control. He always has been, and He always will be. How awesome is that?

Why is there evil in the world? Maybe one reason is to show us that even though it exists and bad things are allowed to happen, God uses those things to draw us closer to Him. I know when I'm in the dark valleys of life, I cling harder to Him.

I'm so glad that God knows me so well inside and out that He can use the craziest things to get my attention. And I love that so incredibly much.