Laying It Out There.

I haven't posted on this blog in months. I guess I've sort of been afraid to. My life has been crazy, yet not crazy. Interesting, yet nothing I really had anything to say about. But I realize that this isn't a blog about interesting things. It can't be. This blog isn't meant to get people's attention. I used to use it as a cry for help. I started it when I was in Michigan, when I felt trapped and unguided as to what life was supposed to be. So far, my life hasn't been the status quo. At all. I was never popular in high school, yet got good grades, so I found some redemption in that. I didn't really go to college like everyone ever expects you to. I went to a small Bible school in Oregon for a year, and then an even smaller film school in Michigan for a year.

Then, I moved to LA. I haven't even had time to think since August. Well, maybe I have, but for some reason my brain hasn't allowed me to. It's almost as if my brain went into fight mode, denying that my life's future was unsure. And then I went home for a month. That was even more confusing. I loved being home! Yet, I knew I had to come back to LA. Career-wise, there's nothing in Oregon. Plus, the family dynamic right now is... rough. All of our lives are in transition, whether we want to admit it or not. My Grandpa is learning to be a bachelor again, my Grandma is in a rest home, my sister is about to graduate from high school and has a boyfriend in the navy, and my parents are having to deal with their entire world changing in ways they never ever expected. Yeah, I loved LOVED being home, but I was never settled when I was there. The one place in the world I felt was safe suddenly didn't feel like home as much anymore. Why? Because I had grown up. I had spent 2 years away from home during some of the biggest times of growing a person experiences in life: 19 and 20. And I wasn't ready for that change. I hate change. In fact, I hate change so much, I feel physically sick when I get nervous for something. And, HOLY COW, did I feel nervous. I purposely didn't seek out people to hang out with when I was home because every time I stepped out my front door, I felt like I was going to be sick. It was awful.

Then I came back to LA. And if I thought it was bad at home, that 2 day drive back down to LA was even worse. The entire second day I felt like I was going to hurl. When I got to the Trerise's house, the next couple of days, I still felt sick. I played it off as a bug, but it was a lie. Even now, I'm not eating a ton because I'm somewhat scared to. The Trerise's think I'm not a big eater. I used to be before all this change and transition happened. I was scared out of my mind to be here.

And I still am.

I have a job now. A great job! I work at Smashbox Studios in West Hollywood. I get to be in the same room as big Hollywood names on a weekly basis. But I'm still scared out of my mind. I leave the house every day for work feeling sick to my stomach. Why is that? I think I've finally figured that out. 

TRUST.

Or lack there of. This week, the History Channel has been airing "The Bible". Awesome, awesome far reaching big budget retelling of the Bible. One of the big themes, obviously, is trusting God in your life no matter what. That's been my problem. I haven't been trusting him. I get nervous for work because I haven't been trusting Him to guide me through it. I get nervous around girls (oh, you have no idea..) because I haven't been trusting Him for my love, or lack there of, life. God is literally teaching me that I HAVE to trust Him ALL THE TIME, or otherwise there are literally consequences.

I literally don't care if anyone reads this blog from here on out. I just need it to say things I haven't had the balls to say up to now. Yes, I'll check to see how many people read it. I am human. But this blog is no longer a cry from help. At least not to man. No, it needs to become a place to get things off my chest and a place to pray to God.