742.

Usually the traits we hate most in other people are the traits most often we ourselves possess. And this is very true of myself.

I hate complainers. (Now you see where this is going?) Yet I myself am one of the biggest complainers of all time. God knows this very well, as I don't normally complain a ton on the outside. Usually it's in  my heart and soul. But right now, it's something I can't keep in. I've been keeping a lot inside recently. I'm in such a place of transition in my life that I don't feel the right to talk about most of it. That's why this blog is becoming so important to me. It's a way to talk about it without talking about it.

742. This number has become very important to me. Well, at least this manifestation of it. You see, it grows every day. So, what is this number? We'll get to that.

My life has been crazy, as I've said. With Ecola, then SMT, then Compass, then moving out to LA, going home, and moving back to LA and starting an all consuming job, I haven't really had time for cultivate any new friendships or relationships, especially in the last 6 months. As far as physically close friends, I have Benton, his family, and Kim when she's home from school. That's it. Sure, I have plenty of friends who I talk to every once in a while who live elsewhere, but it's not the same. It's always a catch up and not a true growing and expanding of friendship. Which is lonely. Really lonely.

742. That's how many days it's been since I was last in a relationship. Yeah. That number really sucks. Granted, up until 3 months ago, and maybe even now to a degree, I haven't been in a place where I should be dating anyone. But now, as the dust of my life is settling for the first time in 2 years, it hits me harder and harder every day. My best friend is getting married in August. I am so freakin excited for him!!! It's gonna be an awesome wedding, and an even more awesome life that he and Kim will lead together. But, just like it's said in How I Met Your Mother, weddings cause you look at your life and try to figure out why you're still single. And I haven't a clue why.

Timing. I know God's timing is perfect. I've had that said to me tens, if not hundreds of times. I know that He's holding it back from me. Please don't tell me that in the future. I know. I know it will "all work out when it's supposed to". No kidding. No, this is me complaining to God. This is me crying out to Him, asking Him why. This is me asking Him why girls don't like me, or if they do, why they don't see me as worth the risk. I can't tell you how many times I've been told "I love talking to you!" or "You're the NICEST guy!" or "I'm so comfortable with you!" Do they think that because my last name is Friend that that's all I want? I'm a GUY. You tell me that, and my mind goes directly to 'Ok, how likely would a relationship be with this girl?' And I'm also a guy who looks for the affirmation of others. I do, right or wrong. And when I, in 742 days, have had ONE person who was remotely interested in me, that hurts.

And now I'm in a place with almost no friends, let alone female friends. And, to reiterate, I know God's timing is perfect. It is, and when I'm ready He will allow someone to come into my life. Maybe she's the one, or maybe she's the first of a few. Who knows except Him.

One thing that churches try to push is being "content in your singleness". And granted, I've tried. But if I've ever uttered those words to you, I'm sorry, it was a lie. Maybe I've been settled in my singleness in the past, but never content. Is that bad? Probably. Should I learn to be? Probably. But God made me with a longing. The longing which the Bible speaks of in Genesis when Adam is lonely and desires a mate. That longing has been past through generation after generation, and landed with me. But somehow, God has kept it from me, just as He kept it from Adam for a time. God has kept it from me for 742 days, and counting. I don't know why. Probably to teach me patience and dependence. He's good at doing that.

But, Lord, I'm lonely out here in the world, vast and dark. I'm here to ask you for some help. You've created me with a longing and an admiration for girls. And I know you created them specifically for us guys, because we need help. Because we need a light to guide us to You and Your Plan. I ask that you would guide me to both, and that you would make me content with or without.

Amen.