Wow, 2 posts in two days. I'd love to ascribe some deeper meaning to it, but I'm sure its just because I can't sleep. So I took to going back through some of my posts on this blog, many of which I haven't seen in 6 months to a year. The funny thing is that throughout this blog, I mention over and over that I've "grown up". But what I'm realizing now is I will always be growing up, from birth, to now, and on until I die. Frankly, as I believe in Jesus and that I'll go to heaven when I die, I also believe I'll probably keep growing up in heaven too.
What I'm discovering at this point in my life is that I have no idea what's going on, or really where I'm going. I believe that I'm being molded into something with a purpose. Now, I have no idea what that purpose is. I have some ideas about what I'd LIKE it to be, but really I know God has other plans. But what I do know is that I have been created not to lead a "normal" life. I don't want normal, I want my life to be an adventure (which goes against what I talked about last night, with hating change). I mean, look at me! I'm working in Hollywood! If I had told my younger self that I'd be working at a studio in Hollywood at 21, I would have laughed in your face. I never thought this would be me. But the last few years, I have longed for the extraordinary.
Life is weird. I look back on my life, which really and honestly, I don't do a ton anymore. Well, then again, I do it a lot. Ok, let me explain. I tend to think about certain things a lot. There are points on my life's timeline I tend to think about way more than others. I think about my family, my Mom and Dad and sister and grandparents. I think about how sucky high school was. I think about Jessyca, my first serious girlfriend. I think about Cannon Beach. I think about SMT. I think about classes at Compass. But there is so much of my life that I've buried deep inside me, so many things I don't think about on purpose, because it either hurts to think about it or possibly because I'm still in denial that I could have possibly journeyed from there to here. I don't believe my life at times. I know it's real. Sometimes its way TOO real. But my mind is having a very hard time believing all of this stuff that has happened so crazily in the last 4 years. Is that weird? I feel like it is. I'm having to force myself to just live in the moment, which comes much too easily sometimes.
I am at a point in my life that is just going with it. And I feel like that's how my spiritual life is going right now too. I grew up in a Christian family. I went to church every Sunday. I went to Ecola Bible School for a year. I go to Church of the Open Door, where Ed Underwood is the pastor. I know what the Bible says, I know that Jesus is Lord. But I'm in the stage of my life that I'm trying to figure out how it all applies practically. What is it that God wants from me? Perfection? No.. I can't do that. I am an imperfect wretch that sins day after day after day. I feel like everyday I'm having to decide which sins are worth fighting against in that day or hour. So what does He want? I think right now, He just wants me to live life and listen for His lessons in my life. I honestly believe that. I am in a place where He just wants be to be content and to wait.
My "growing up" experience is far from over. FAR from over. I'm still so immature in my age, life, and faith. I can only ask God to be patient with me, as I try to figure this thing called life out. For some reason, He has been for 21 years thus far. And I take comfort in the story of King David. Lord knows he did some horrible, horrible things, yet it was God he wanted from the beginning. I can only ask God for the strength to be a fraction of the man that David was, and to love Him with everything that I am.
Or at least try to.
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