If there's one thing I've always had trouble wrapping my head around, it's the ever changing state that life is. This trouble started back in my freshmen year of high school when I went into a deep depression that put me in a state of complete disbelief of my life and the events going on in it. After that, God had me go to Ecola Bible School, which opened up my world in ways I never possibly could have imagined, along with giving me this profound and undying joy for life. Then I did SMT, which gave me even more joy. But when that came to a sudden stop (like camp always does) and found my life totally switching gears into the world of film college within a week or two of each other, I found myself burying those emotions connected with dealing with change. Ever since the end of SMT (which is going on 2 years now), I've been in this state of just doing what I have to do without feeling any emotional tie to those feelings of change in my life. I've just done it, and tried to do it to the best of my ability.
But today, I think I'm finally gaining a little of that back. I am home in Oregon this weekend to see my sister graduate from high school. Ever since I touched down in Portland, I've felt this insane sense of "John, your life is headed in the exact right direction that it should be going. This world is big, and you're out there doing your thing, just like you're supposed to." Thats huge for me. I've felt like I've just been wandering around LA, randomly bumping into the right things at the right time somehow. But now, I feel... purpose driven. It was so much fun to talk to my immediate and extended family about what I'm doing with my life right now, and what a huge shot I have at actually being something. It was so much fun to talk to all of my cousins like we were equals, sharing crazy stories about the insane crap we've gotten into. The world is very small, and we're out there enjoying it each in our small ways. The Friend family has this destiny. I don't know what it is, but we do. And I'm so excited to see what it is.
God is opening up my world and mind again. I've been so closed off, so afraid of getting hurt or failing. Whether it has to do with my career, family, friends, or girls, I'm more ready for the big changes that are coming to my life. It feels like the quiet before the storm. The next 6 months, year, or even two years are going to be huge. I can feel it. It's a feeling I've been afraid of, but now that it's upon me, I'm so ready to embrace it. I want my career to launch. I want to love my family at all times. I want to grow as close to my friends as possible. I want to finally start dating again. I have this life I'm so ready to embrace living! I've been just floating through, trying to get to the next day to see if it will be better. I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to feel and fulfill my purposes and goals in life. I'm ready to stop being afraid that life is going to screw me over, and to start living to the fullest, to start taking chances, to dive in and see what happens in different situations!
I live too much in the past. I'm too often afraid of the future. Now is now, and now is where I live. So why should I be afraid? Instead, I want to laugh. I want to love. I want to live. So why not? What's stopping me? Fear? Screw fear. Fear gets me nowhere.
It's time for me to start jumping and embrace the change.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
God: The Holy Attention Getter
God uses the craziest things to get our attention. Seriously.
Over the last months, I've been having a hard time trusting God, one side effect from that has been dealing with massive anxiety attacks. In the Bible, the apostle Paul talks about having a thorn that he has to deal with. We don't know exactly what that thorn is, but I know what mine is right now: anxiety. I've been slowly learning to deal with it, with the help of my family and friends. But anyways, it's been really hard to transition into life in here LA and Hollywood because I'm afraid to feel. Why? Because to feel would be to let emotions in, which in turn can get out of control, which can cause that pesky anxiety. And the root of all of that stems from not putting my full trust in God's plan for me.
I think what I hate the most about not trusting God is that I KNOW in my heart that that's the single only thing I can do. I know I believe in God, His grace, and His plan for me. I know that He's large and in charge. So why can't I just trust Him? Because my head hasn't been letting me. My life has been so crazy, with so much change in the last few years. Ever since I left home after high school, it's been non-stop change. I went to Ecola, my girlfriend broke up with me, I dated another girl, she broke up with me, Ecola ended, SMT training, SMT, moved to Michigan, attended Compass, produced a couple short films, graduated, moved to Los Angeles, was an intern, went home to Oregon for a month, came back to LA, lived with my best friend's family, worked a crap job, got a great new job, moved to North Hollywood, and have started pre-production on a short film. It's crazy! I literally have not had time to let things sink in for any amount of time for the last 2 years running. I've been just doing my thing and not really grasping that it's happening. And the same is true now.
But God can get your attention in the craziest ways.
This morning I watched the original The Omen. Now, I really did go into this movie with the mindset that it would probably be evil and bad and something "a Christian shouldn't watch". But as I watched the film, I found myself thinking about God's huge plan for the world. The Bible is incredibly plain spoken about God's plan. God knew from the beginning that the Lucifer would become the Devil and we would mess up at the whole perfection thing, so he put his plan into motion from the beginning. The Bible is the story of God constantly saying "Guys! I got this!" And the same is true all the way up to the end of the story, which most of is chronicled in the books of Daniel and Revelation. In these books, God speaks of an Antichrist which will rise and take over the world through peaceful means. You see, Lucifer fell because he became prideful and wanted to be like God. In the end times spoken of in the aforementioned books, Lucifer will be allowed to have his way with the world, but in the end, Christ will come down from heaven once again and kick the Devil's butt. There is much speculation about how the Devil will do all of this, but the story told in The Omen actually is a legitimate idea about how the Antichrist will arrive on Earth. You see, the Devil likes to copy God, possibly a way to prove that he is just as cool (which of course, he's not). So it is possible that the Devil will copy God and send his "son", just as God did with Christ.
This whole story line has gotten me thinking about the status of my trust in God. See, we know that God is in charge. He knows what is going to happen to the world from beginning to end, including how each and every one of our lives will go. Seeing how that is portrayed in The Omen, even though it's not a story about God, for me it was a reminder of how God knows exactly how the end times will play out and how He's in control of every aspect of it, even the Devil and Antichrist. God is in control. He always has been, and He always will be. How awesome is that?
Why is there evil in the world? Maybe one reason is to show us that even though it exists and bad things are allowed to happen, God uses those things to draw us closer to Him. I know when I'm in the dark valleys of life, I cling harder to Him.
I'm so glad that God knows me so well inside and out that He can use the craziest things to get my attention. And I love that so incredibly much.
Over the last months, I've been having a hard time trusting God, one side effect from that has been dealing with massive anxiety attacks. In the Bible, the apostle Paul talks about having a thorn that he has to deal with. We don't know exactly what that thorn is, but I know what mine is right now: anxiety. I've been slowly learning to deal with it, with the help of my family and friends. But anyways, it's been really hard to transition into life in here LA and Hollywood because I'm afraid to feel. Why? Because to feel would be to let emotions in, which in turn can get out of control, which can cause that pesky anxiety. And the root of all of that stems from not putting my full trust in God's plan for me.
I think what I hate the most about not trusting God is that I KNOW in my heart that that's the single only thing I can do. I know I believe in God, His grace, and His plan for me. I know that He's large and in charge. So why can't I just trust Him? Because my head hasn't been letting me. My life has been so crazy, with so much change in the last few years. Ever since I left home after high school, it's been non-stop change. I went to Ecola, my girlfriend broke up with me, I dated another girl, she broke up with me, Ecola ended, SMT training, SMT, moved to Michigan, attended Compass, produced a couple short films, graduated, moved to Los Angeles, was an intern, went home to Oregon for a month, came back to LA, lived with my best friend's family, worked a crap job, got a great new job, moved to North Hollywood, and have started pre-production on a short film. It's crazy! I literally have not had time to let things sink in for any amount of time for the last 2 years running. I've been just doing my thing and not really grasping that it's happening. And the same is true now.
But God can get your attention in the craziest ways.
This morning I watched the original The Omen. Now, I really did go into this movie with the mindset that it would probably be evil and bad and something "a Christian shouldn't watch". But as I watched the film, I found myself thinking about God's huge plan for the world. The Bible is incredibly plain spoken about God's plan. God knew from the beginning that the Lucifer would become the Devil and we would mess up at the whole perfection thing, so he put his plan into motion from the beginning. The Bible is the story of God constantly saying "Guys! I got this!" And the same is true all the way up to the end of the story, which most of is chronicled in the books of Daniel and Revelation. In these books, God speaks of an Antichrist which will rise and take over the world through peaceful means. You see, Lucifer fell because he became prideful and wanted to be like God. In the end times spoken of in the aforementioned books, Lucifer will be allowed to have his way with the world, but in the end, Christ will come down from heaven once again and kick the Devil's butt. There is much speculation about how the Devil will do all of this, but the story told in The Omen actually is a legitimate idea about how the Antichrist will arrive on Earth. You see, the Devil likes to copy God, possibly a way to prove that he is just as cool (which of course, he's not). So it is possible that the Devil will copy God and send his "son", just as God did with Christ.
This whole story line has gotten me thinking about the status of my trust in God. See, we know that God is in charge. He knows what is going to happen to the world from beginning to end, including how each and every one of our lives will go. Seeing how that is portrayed in The Omen, even though it's not a story about God, for me it was a reminder of how God knows exactly how the end times will play out and how He's in control of every aspect of it, even the Devil and Antichrist. God is in control. He always has been, and He always will be. How awesome is that?
Why is there evil in the world? Maybe one reason is to show us that even though it exists and bad things are allowed to happen, God uses those things to draw us closer to Him. I know when I'm in the dark valleys of life, I cling harder to Him.
I'm so glad that God knows me so well inside and out that He can use the craziest things to get my attention. And I love that so incredibly much.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Hope.
This world we live in is a dark place, as we Americans have been reminded. Yesterday, the Boston Marathon was bombed, sending a shock throughout the world. We are reminded that this is a world of danger that we live in. What are we to do? Live in fear? We as human beings have a natural tendency to fear that which we do not know, such as threats to our lives. As human beings, we also have a tendency to look up to something greater than ourselves. Since the beginning of time, humanity has looked to the God, the Sun, and the Earth (for examples) as things to to look up to and worship. As we have come into the modern age, humanity has become more centered inward, with science proving things right or wrong, the search for meaning in life becoming essencial, and with more information available to us all the time. We have become a society that doesn't trust anyone or anything, and we try to find meaning and strength within ourselves. For some that's enough, but not for me.
I believe in God. It's gotten to the point that there's nothing that could make me un-believe in Him. Too much in my life has been guided and effected by something bigger than me or anything else in this world.
I think that even though this world is very much trying to be independent of any "God", we all still search in our hearts for something. I think we, as the post-modern generation, are starting to look for something greater. We want an example to look up to. We don't trust the government, so it's not that. Other people around us let us down all the time, so we generally don't trust those around us as someone to look up to. I think we are looking for a leader to lead us. We are somewhat of a wandering generation, and we are starting to realize it.
I say that the leader is Jesus, because I know He is the only answer, which will be seen in time. But I think our generation wants a hero. And that's why I think this is the perfect time for Man Of Steel to come out. Is it a little sacrilegious to say talk about Jesus and Superman as saviors of the world in the same post? Yeah, but that's not my point. My point is that movie is going to do well because we WANT a hero that is good and almighty. Jesus Christ is that hero we all long for, but the masses won't see that until He comes back. Until then, the world will keep moving forward with our heads down, every once in a while looking up to see if anyone is there to lead them.
Humanity, whether it realizes it or not, longs for hope. We need somebody to lead us. That's just the way we are built. I hope and pray that God has lead me to Hollywood so that I can use media to show people the hope that I know so personally. I can only pray that Man Of Steel is also used in people's hearts, to awaken the realization that they need someone to look up to. I can only pray.
As said in Smallville, "The day is coming." The show was speaking of a hero conqueror that was going to redeem Earth. Obviously, it was speaking of Superman, but in my heart, I know Jesus is the real hero we all are waiting for.
Monday, March 25, 2013
742.
Usually the traits we hate most in other people are the traits most often we ourselves possess. And this is very true of myself.
I hate complainers. (Now you see where this is going?) Yet I myself am one of the biggest complainers of all time. God knows this very well, as I don't normally complain a ton on the outside. Usually it's in my heart and soul. But right now, it's something I can't keep in. I've been keeping a lot inside recently. I'm in such a place of transition in my life that I don't feel the right to talk about most of it. That's why this blog is becoming so important to me. It's a way to talk about it without talking about it.
742. This number has become very important to me. Well, at least this manifestation of it. You see, it grows every day. So, what is this number? We'll get to that.
My life has been crazy, as I've said. With Ecola, then SMT, then Compass, then moving out to LA, going home, and moving back to LA and starting an all consuming job, I haven't really had time for cultivate any new friendships or relationships, especially in the last 6 months. As far as physically close friends, I have Benton, his family, and Kim when she's home from school. That's it. Sure, I have plenty of friends who I talk to every once in a while who live elsewhere, but it's not the same. It's always a catch up and not a true growing and expanding of friendship. Which is lonely. Really lonely.
742. That's how many days it's been since I was last in a relationship. Yeah. That number really sucks. Granted, up until 3 months ago, and maybe even now to a degree, I haven't been in a place where I should be dating anyone. But now, as the dust of my life is settling for the first time in 2 years, it hits me harder and harder every day. My best friend is getting married in August. I am so freakin excited for him!!! It's gonna be an awesome wedding, and an even more awesome life that he and Kim will lead together. But, just like it's said in How I Met Your Mother, weddings cause you look at your life and try to figure out why you're still single. And I haven't a clue why.
Timing. I know God's timing is perfect. I've had that said to me tens, if not hundreds of times. I know that He's holding it back from me. Please don't tell me that in the future. I know. I know it will "all work out when it's supposed to". No kidding. No, this is me complaining to God. This is me crying out to Him, asking Him why. This is me asking Him why girls don't like me, or if they do, why they don't see me as worth the risk. I can't tell you how many times I've been told "I love talking to you!" or "You're the NICEST guy!" or "I'm so comfortable with you!" Do they think that because my last name is Friend that that's all I want? I'm a GUY. You tell me that, and my mind goes directly to 'Ok, how likely would a relationship be with this girl?' And I'm also a guy who looks for the affirmation of others. I do, right or wrong. And when I, in 742 days, have had ONE person who was remotely interested in me, that hurts.
And now I'm in a place with almost no friends, let alone female friends. And, to reiterate, I know God's timing is perfect. It is, and when I'm ready He will allow someone to come into my life. Maybe she's the one, or maybe she's the first of a few. Who knows except Him.
One thing that churches try to push is being "content in your singleness". And granted, I've tried. But if I've ever uttered those words to you, I'm sorry, it was a lie. Maybe I've been settled in my singleness in the past, but never content. Is that bad? Probably. Should I learn to be? Probably. But God made me with a longing. The longing which the Bible speaks of in Genesis when Adam is lonely and desires a mate. That longing has been past through generation after generation, and landed with me. But somehow, God has kept it from me, just as He kept it from Adam for a time. God has kept it from me for 742 days, and counting. I don't know why. Probably to teach me patience and dependence. He's good at doing that.
But, Lord, I'm lonely out here in the world, vast and dark. I'm here to ask you for some help. You've created me with a longing and an admiration for girls. And I know you created them specifically for us guys, because we need help. Because we need a light to guide us to You and Your Plan. I ask that you would guide me to both, and that you would make me content with or without.
Amen.
I hate complainers. (Now you see where this is going?) Yet I myself am one of the biggest complainers of all time. God knows this very well, as I don't normally complain a ton on the outside. Usually it's in my heart and soul. But right now, it's something I can't keep in. I've been keeping a lot inside recently. I'm in such a place of transition in my life that I don't feel the right to talk about most of it. That's why this blog is becoming so important to me. It's a way to talk about it without talking about it.
742. This number has become very important to me. Well, at least this manifestation of it. You see, it grows every day. So, what is this number? We'll get to that.
My life has been crazy, as I've said. With Ecola, then SMT, then Compass, then moving out to LA, going home, and moving back to LA and starting an all consuming job, I haven't really had time for cultivate any new friendships or relationships, especially in the last 6 months. As far as physically close friends, I have Benton, his family, and Kim when she's home from school. That's it. Sure, I have plenty of friends who I talk to every once in a while who live elsewhere, but it's not the same. It's always a catch up and not a true growing and expanding of friendship. Which is lonely. Really lonely.
742. That's how many days it's been since I was last in a relationship. Yeah. That number really sucks. Granted, up until 3 months ago, and maybe even now to a degree, I haven't been in a place where I should be dating anyone. But now, as the dust of my life is settling for the first time in 2 years, it hits me harder and harder every day. My best friend is getting married in August. I am so freakin excited for him!!! It's gonna be an awesome wedding, and an even more awesome life that he and Kim will lead together. But, just like it's said in How I Met Your Mother, weddings cause you look at your life and try to figure out why you're still single. And I haven't a clue why.
Timing. I know God's timing is perfect. I've had that said to me tens, if not hundreds of times. I know that He's holding it back from me. Please don't tell me that in the future. I know. I know it will "all work out when it's supposed to". No kidding. No, this is me complaining to God. This is me crying out to Him, asking Him why. This is me asking Him why girls don't like me, or if they do, why they don't see me as worth the risk. I can't tell you how many times I've been told "I love talking to you!" or "You're the NICEST guy!" or "I'm so comfortable with you!" Do they think that because my last name is Friend that that's all I want? I'm a GUY. You tell me that, and my mind goes directly to 'Ok, how likely would a relationship be with this girl?' And I'm also a guy who looks for the affirmation of others. I do, right or wrong. And when I, in 742 days, have had ONE person who was remotely interested in me, that hurts.
And now I'm in a place with almost no friends, let alone female friends. And, to reiterate, I know God's timing is perfect. It is, and when I'm ready He will allow someone to come into my life. Maybe she's the one, or maybe she's the first of a few. Who knows except Him.
One thing that churches try to push is being "content in your singleness". And granted, I've tried. But if I've ever uttered those words to you, I'm sorry, it was a lie. Maybe I've been settled in my singleness in the past, but never content. Is that bad? Probably. Should I learn to be? Probably. But God made me with a longing. The longing which the Bible speaks of in Genesis when Adam is lonely and desires a mate. That longing has been past through generation after generation, and landed with me. But somehow, God has kept it from me, just as He kept it from Adam for a time. God has kept it from me for 742 days, and counting. I don't know why. Probably to teach me patience and dependence. He's good at doing that.
But, Lord, I'm lonely out here in the world, vast and dark. I'm here to ask you for some help. You've created me with a longing and an admiration for girls. And I know you created them specifically for us guys, because we need help. Because we need a light to guide us to You and Your Plan. I ask that you would guide me to both, and that you would make me content with or without.
Amen.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Who/What Am I?
Wow, 2 posts in two days. I'd love to ascribe some deeper meaning to it, but I'm sure its just because I can't sleep. So I took to going back through some of my posts on this blog, many of which I haven't seen in 6 months to a year. The funny thing is that throughout this blog, I mention over and over that I've "grown up". But what I'm realizing now is I will always be growing up, from birth, to now, and on until I die. Frankly, as I believe in Jesus and that I'll go to heaven when I die, I also believe I'll probably keep growing up in heaven too.
What I'm discovering at this point in my life is that I have no idea what's going on, or really where I'm going. I believe that I'm being molded into something with a purpose. Now, I have no idea what that purpose is. I have some ideas about what I'd LIKE it to be, but really I know God has other plans. But what I do know is that I have been created not to lead a "normal" life. I don't want normal, I want my life to be an adventure (which goes against what I talked about last night, with hating change). I mean, look at me! I'm working in Hollywood! If I had told my younger self that I'd be working at a studio in Hollywood at 21, I would have laughed in your face. I never thought this would be me. But the last few years, I have longed for the extraordinary.
Life is weird. I look back on my life, which really and honestly, I don't do a ton anymore. Well, then again, I do it a lot. Ok, let me explain. I tend to think about certain things a lot. There are points on my life's timeline I tend to think about way more than others. I think about my family, my Mom and Dad and sister and grandparents. I think about how sucky high school was. I think about Jessyca, my first serious girlfriend. I think about Cannon Beach. I think about SMT. I think about classes at Compass. But there is so much of my life that I've buried deep inside me, so many things I don't think about on purpose, because it either hurts to think about it or possibly because I'm still in denial that I could have possibly journeyed from there to here. I don't believe my life at times. I know it's real. Sometimes its way TOO real. But my mind is having a very hard time believing all of this stuff that has happened so crazily in the last 4 years. Is that weird? I feel like it is. I'm having to force myself to just live in the moment, which comes much too easily sometimes.
I am at a point in my life that is just going with it. And I feel like that's how my spiritual life is going right now too. I grew up in a Christian family. I went to church every Sunday. I went to Ecola Bible School for a year. I go to Church of the Open Door, where Ed Underwood is the pastor. I know what the Bible says, I know that Jesus is Lord. But I'm in the stage of my life that I'm trying to figure out how it all applies practically. What is it that God wants from me? Perfection? No.. I can't do that. I am an imperfect wretch that sins day after day after day. I feel like everyday I'm having to decide which sins are worth fighting against in that day or hour. So what does He want? I think right now, He just wants me to live life and listen for His lessons in my life. I honestly believe that. I am in a place where He just wants be to be content and to wait.
My "growing up" experience is far from over. FAR from over. I'm still so immature in my age, life, and faith. I can only ask God to be patient with me, as I try to figure this thing called life out. For some reason, He has been for 21 years thus far. And I take comfort in the story of King David. Lord knows he did some horrible, horrible things, yet it was God he wanted from the beginning. I can only ask God for the strength to be a fraction of the man that David was, and to love Him with everything that I am.
Or at least try to.
What I'm discovering at this point in my life is that I have no idea what's going on, or really where I'm going. I believe that I'm being molded into something with a purpose. Now, I have no idea what that purpose is. I have some ideas about what I'd LIKE it to be, but really I know God has other plans. But what I do know is that I have been created not to lead a "normal" life. I don't want normal, I want my life to be an adventure (which goes against what I talked about last night, with hating change). I mean, look at me! I'm working in Hollywood! If I had told my younger self that I'd be working at a studio in Hollywood at 21, I would have laughed in your face. I never thought this would be me. But the last few years, I have longed for the extraordinary.
Life is weird. I look back on my life, which really and honestly, I don't do a ton anymore. Well, then again, I do it a lot. Ok, let me explain. I tend to think about certain things a lot. There are points on my life's timeline I tend to think about way more than others. I think about my family, my Mom and Dad and sister and grandparents. I think about how sucky high school was. I think about Jessyca, my first serious girlfriend. I think about Cannon Beach. I think about SMT. I think about classes at Compass. But there is so much of my life that I've buried deep inside me, so many things I don't think about on purpose, because it either hurts to think about it or possibly because I'm still in denial that I could have possibly journeyed from there to here. I don't believe my life at times. I know it's real. Sometimes its way TOO real. But my mind is having a very hard time believing all of this stuff that has happened so crazily in the last 4 years. Is that weird? I feel like it is. I'm having to force myself to just live in the moment, which comes much too easily sometimes.
I am at a point in my life that is just going with it. And I feel like that's how my spiritual life is going right now too. I grew up in a Christian family. I went to church every Sunday. I went to Ecola Bible School for a year. I go to Church of the Open Door, where Ed Underwood is the pastor. I know what the Bible says, I know that Jesus is Lord. But I'm in the stage of my life that I'm trying to figure out how it all applies practically. What is it that God wants from me? Perfection? No.. I can't do that. I am an imperfect wretch that sins day after day after day. I feel like everyday I'm having to decide which sins are worth fighting against in that day or hour. So what does He want? I think right now, He just wants me to live life and listen for His lessons in my life. I honestly believe that. I am in a place where He just wants be to be content and to wait.
My "growing up" experience is far from over. FAR from over. I'm still so immature in my age, life, and faith. I can only ask God to be patient with me, as I try to figure this thing called life out. For some reason, He has been for 21 years thus far. And I take comfort in the story of King David. Lord knows he did some horrible, horrible things, yet it was God he wanted from the beginning. I can only ask God for the strength to be a fraction of the man that David was, and to love Him with everything that I am.
Or at least try to.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Laying It Out There.
I haven't posted on this blog in months. I guess I've sort of been afraid to. My life has been crazy, yet not crazy. Interesting, yet nothing I really had anything to say about. But I realize that this isn't a blog about interesting things. It can't be. This blog isn't meant to get people's attention. I used to use it as a cry for help. I started it when I was in Michigan, when I felt trapped and unguided as to what life was supposed to be. So far, my life hasn't been the status quo. At all. I was never popular in high school, yet got good grades, so I found some redemption in that. I didn't really go to college like everyone ever expects you to. I went to a small Bible school in Oregon for a year, and then an even smaller film school in Michigan for a year.
Then, I moved to LA. I haven't even had time to think since August. Well, maybe I have, but for some reason my brain hasn't allowed me to. It's almost as if my brain went into fight mode, denying that my life's future was unsure. And then I went home for a month. That was even more confusing. I loved being home! Yet, I knew I had to come back to LA. Career-wise, there's nothing in Oregon. Plus, the family dynamic right now is... rough. All of our lives are in transition, whether we want to admit it or not. My Grandpa is learning to be a bachelor again, my Grandma is in a rest home, my sister is about to graduate from high school and has a boyfriend in the navy, and my parents are having to deal with their entire world changing in ways they never ever expected. Yeah, I loved LOVED being home, but I was never settled when I was there. The one place in the world I felt was safe suddenly didn't feel like home as much anymore. Why? Because I had grown up. I had spent 2 years away from home during some of the biggest times of growing a person experiences in life: 19 and 20. And I wasn't ready for that change. I hate change. In fact, I hate change so much, I feel physically sick when I get nervous for something. And, HOLY COW, did I feel nervous. I purposely didn't seek out people to hang out with when I was home because every time I stepped out my front door, I felt like I was going to be sick. It was awful.
Then I came back to LA. And if I thought it was bad at home, that 2 day drive back down to LA was even worse. The entire second day I felt like I was going to hurl. When I got to the Trerise's house, the next couple of days, I still felt sick. I played it off as a bug, but it was a lie. Even now, I'm not eating a ton because I'm somewhat scared to. The Trerise's think I'm not a big eater. I used to be before all this change and transition happened. I was scared out of my mind to be here.
And I still am.
I have a job now. A great job! I work at Smashbox Studios in West Hollywood. I get to be in the same room as big Hollywood names on a weekly basis. But I'm still scared out of my mind. I leave the house every day for work feeling sick to my stomach. Why is that? I think I've finally figured that out.
TRUST.
Or lack there of. This week, the History Channel has been airing "The Bible". Awesome, awesome far reaching big budget retelling of the Bible. One of the big themes, obviously, is trusting God in your life no matter what. That's been my problem. I haven't been trusting him. I get nervous for work because I haven't been trusting Him to guide me through it. I get nervous around girls (oh, you have no idea..) because I haven't been trusting Him for my love, or lack there of, life. God is literally teaching me that I HAVE to trust Him ALL THE TIME, or otherwise there are literally consequences.
I literally don't care if anyone reads this blog from here on out. I just need it to say things I haven't had the balls to say up to now. Yes, I'll check to see how many people read it. I am human. But this blog is no longer a cry from help. At least not to man. No, it needs to become a place to get things off my chest and a place to pray to God.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Crazy.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy. I've posted on Facebook before that the reason I will be successful in life is because I'm crazy enough to think I can be. As this crazy journey continues, I find this statement to be more and more true. Currently, I'm am heading into my last month of interning at Pop2Life, I've been working gigs off and on, and I am living out of a hotel in Van Nuys. It's a cheap hotel, so we can afford it. Side effects of staying here include: sketchy wifi, creepy hallways, and prostitutes everywhere. But it's not horrible. I really don't have anything to complain about.
But I have no idea what direction my life is or even is supposed to head in. So far, all I know is that I'm learning a ton of things and that it is all leading to something, I just don't know what exactly. The skills I am slowly learning are way too specific to not think there is a guiding force behind it, so I'm really excited to see where it all leads. But what I do know is that I need to be doing the very best I can at what I'm doing now and ask a ton of questions. That will be the key. That, and meeting as many people as possible. And I think I'm doing all three of those things. And I hope I'm doing them well.
Something else I've noticed about my crazy life: The events that have transpired in the last year have changed me greatly from who I was just a year ago. I've grown up, I've learned hard lessons, I take life more seriously, I'm more cynical, I think more deeply about things, and I'm bold enough to do things I never thought I'd have the balls to do. But through all of those things, I also realize that I still know next to nothing about anything. And that I really don't have any control over mostly anything, but what I do have control over is how hard I work.
Entertainment is a crazy industry to get into. It is literally all about giving people a high and making them feel as good as possible for the short amount of time that they let you. Honestly, I've never understood it completely. People will pay so much money just to feel good for a few hours. I do it, you do it, we all do it! And sometimes, it's hard to decide what the point of it all is. But that's the point: What you do with your life has meaning, no matter what you are doing. Whether its a bad or good meaning, it still has meaning, especially when you've specifically handed it all over to God and asked Him to take care of it and guide it. I want to live a life of meaning, but not just of meaning, of good meaning. I want to take the skills I'm learning and apply it to what I do with my life, no matter what that turns out to be.
I need to learn to have focus. Right now, I feel like I'm just floating. I'm very much living in the moment these days, which is hard not to do when you don't know what you'll be doing or where you'll be in a week. But the problem with needing to focus is I need something to focus on in the future, which I also don't have right now. So I guess I'll keep floating along and see what is going to happen. Which, really, is crazy. But thats what I am: Crazy. And it's something that I will just have to get used to. Which, in all seriousness, I guess I've gotten used to being the last 21 years anyways, so... Bring on the craziness!
But I have no idea what direction my life is or even is supposed to head in. So far, all I know is that I'm learning a ton of things and that it is all leading to something, I just don't know what exactly. The skills I am slowly learning are way too specific to not think there is a guiding force behind it, so I'm really excited to see where it all leads. But what I do know is that I need to be doing the very best I can at what I'm doing now and ask a ton of questions. That will be the key. That, and meeting as many people as possible. And I think I'm doing all three of those things. And I hope I'm doing them well.
Something else I've noticed about my crazy life: The events that have transpired in the last year have changed me greatly from who I was just a year ago. I've grown up, I've learned hard lessons, I take life more seriously, I'm more cynical, I think more deeply about things, and I'm bold enough to do things I never thought I'd have the balls to do. But through all of those things, I also realize that I still know next to nothing about anything. And that I really don't have any control over mostly anything, but what I do have control over is how hard I work.
Entertainment is a crazy industry to get into. It is literally all about giving people a high and making them feel as good as possible for the short amount of time that they let you. Honestly, I've never understood it completely. People will pay so much money just to feel good for a few hours. I do it, you do it, we all do it! And sometimes, it's hard to decide what the point of it all is. But that's the point: What you do with your life has meaning, no matter what you are doing. Whether its a bad or good meaning, it still has meaning, especially when you've specifically handed it all over to God and asked Him to take care of it and guide it. I want to live a life of meaning, but not just of meaning, of good meaning. I want to take the skills I'm learning and apply it to what I do with my life, no matter what that turns out to be.
I need to learn to have focus. Right now, I feel like I'm just floating. I'm very much living in the moment these days, which is hard not to do when you don't know what you'll be doing or where you'll be in a week. But the problem with needing to focus is I need something to focus on in the future, which I also don't have right now. So I guess I'll keep floating along and see what is going to happen. Which, really, is crazy. But thats what I am: Crazy. And it's something that I will just have to get used to. Which, in all seriousness, I guess I've gotten used to being the last 21 years anyways, so... Bring on the craziness!
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